Learning Life: A Tribute to River Phoenix
by CloudNine
Summary: Many said that he got caught up in the lies of Hollywood and that he was underwater for the last few years of his life. I would be the first to disagree. The life and love I shared with Rowan Hawke was something rare and indescribable. It was also unknown


Many said that he got caught up in the lies of Hollywood and that he was underwater for the last few years of his life. I would be the first to disagree. The life and love I shared with Rowan Hawke was something rare and indescribable. It was also unknown and kept between us. The personal relationship we shared was something that we had that was special and ours. No one knew about it, even his own family. It was a complete different world then the real ones we would tend to lead, including that of drugs and the lifestyle of many musicians and actors. But it wasn't the fame and money that Rowan lost himself in, it was the insecurity and loneliness that so many of his fellow actors also felt. The insecurity and loneliness that even if it was just for a short while, was filled by the time we shared.

We were in an airport flooding with people and yet I felt an emptiness of time passed and promises unkempt building in the pit of my stomach. My son sat on my right, fiddling anxiously with the rim on his baseball hat. I rested my hand on his arm and smiled gently.

"Don't be nervous." It was as if I was trying to assure myself.

"I'm not nervous." He responded with a shrug. "Just anxious I guess." He looked up at me and I saw the twelve-year-old eyes that I had grown to love.

"Anxious is good." I nodded, looking at the large empty window that sat before us.

"You say I know these people…but I can't remember them."  
"Do you want to see the pictures again?" I reached for my purse.

"No. No thank you." He took in a couple deep breaths.

"You'll remember them once you see them."  
"How do I know them, mom?" He asked as if he had been meaning to for some time.

"From when you were little, I told you."  
"But why are they coming all this way? Why won't you tell me?" Right in the middle of the airport he began to get anxious, putting a tight hold on my lower arm, squeezing it.

"Stop," I pulled his hand away. "They've helped me through a lot of things…things that my parents weren't there to help with. Just—I'll explain it all once they get here, I promise, okay?"

"Don't bother." He pulled away, a bit hurt and angry. "If you don't tell me now then why would it be important later?" He crossed his arms in a childish manner.

"Hey you two," David approached us with two cups of coffee and a candy bar.

"Abigail, do you want to see something?" My son stood up and approached the window. "Look at all those planes."

David's six-year-old daughter Abigail picked which one she liked the best, flailing her arm about in a quick motion.

"Right, dad?" She turned around to get her father's attention.

"Sure." He winked at me and slid his hand in mine.

I watched as a plane approached, the one that they were aboard. I smiled, my stomach beginning to flip wildly. I grasped his hand tighter as the doors opened.

At that moment I felt myself being lost in thought, freezing up in a sense. My son approached me and allowed me to rest my hand on his shoulder, his breath increasing.

I remember few things about my childhood. My unfaithful father and fragile mother, only some things seem to stick out in my past. Some things tend to be more clear then others. One thing that seems clearer then any other occurrence, wrong or right, that went on throughout my life is him.

I vaguely remember how it all started which sometimes tends to be a blessing. I do remember, however, the late nights and early mornings and the way his breath smelled after I hadn't seen him in months. The way his hand brushed mine at moments when they weren't supposed to. I remember everything I chose to remember about him and I tend to leave the hard things out of my memory. I'm sure it's denial, but everyone has something they wish to forget.

.1.

It was a cold yet dry atmosphere and I was thirsty.

Finding Gainesville Florida on a desperate whim was one thing I had not planned during my childhood. It was far from my imaginary town where I dreamed of growing old with the man I loved, but rather a place to be old in and feed my grandchildren chocolate chip cookies every Sunday. I had left my family in Maine without a reason, only explaining that I needed freedom and to find myself. I took all of the money I possessed along with some of my fathers and left late in the night, leaving them with nothing but my empty room. Sometimes I regret leaving, other times I'm not sure where I would be if I had stayed.

I had been barely getting by in random places for the past five weeks and already I found that the money I thought I had so deviously stole from my father was now the only thing that was keeping a roof over my head. My rent at the current place I was living at was late and I was still yet to find a job. But I was absolutely in love with the small town as well as my studio apartment. I had decided that I wouldn't leave Gainesville until my painting was underway and I wouldn't leave my apartment for anything.

"What can I get you, miss?" A man approached me.

"Something warm to drink?" I smiled. Although it was barely March, something warm always seemed to calm me. I was born in France and raised there until I was four yet even after the continuous summer visits I still held hint of a French accent, lining my words like a threat over being American. Most people found it intriguing, but it just reminded me of my father.

"There you go." He returned quickly with a cup and handed it to me. He stood behind the bar in front of me and watched as I pulled out the small stack of papers.

"Thank you." I blew gently on the drink.

"Looking for a job?" He guessed.

"Actually, yes."

"But that museum is old—hardly anyone travels over there anymore. I would hire you if I could, love, but there's no jobs open." He shrugged, leaning over the counter and pointing at the cut out paper.

"Why would you hire me? You don't even know me." I slowly looked up at him, a smile forming.

"Well I can tell things about people. You're a good child, I can see that."

"I'm just trying to get my foot hold, somewhere, you know? It doesn't have to last forever, just long enough to give me some cash to pay my rent." I explained while searching my bag for a pen.

He handed one to me and winked.

"I'm Jake, I own this place and you're welcome here anytime, blessing. To put your tired feet up or to take a break, sound okay?"

His face was round, a smile sent from ear to ear. He was almost glowing, his dark eyes mixing in with his dark skin and dark hair with gray trim around it. He was heavy set, bearded older man. But his lips sunk together tightly, sending out a young look. When he spoke a thick Jamaican accent shown through. He was the kindest, most considerate and gentle man I have ever known. To this day, I'm yet to find someone as warm and loving as he was.

"Thank you." I wasn't sure how else to respond.

"And your name?" He began to wipe at the counter.

"Celeste." I held out my hand.

He took it and then shook his head a bit.

"Heavenly, simply heavenly." He grinned.

A man walked up the counter as Jake drew his eyes to him.

"Hello, Jake. Can I a drink?" He asked, walking up next to me and leaning on the counter. He moved his hand through his hair that small v-shaped hairline that sat against his scalp. I tried to make it look as if my eyes were drawn to him but it was hard not to. I watched slowly and cautiously and observed his nervous and restless behavior. I ignored him for as long as possible before he sat down.

His hair was dark, waves spinning around the middle of his head. He had hidden eyes, the kind that look deep into you and that can read each part of you. His lips were put tightly together, fitting perfectly. Yet when he talked a British accent filled his voice. He was small, quiet and mysterious; the kind of person that you know you shouldn't talk to. In this case there was nothing I desired more.

He glanced over at me, smiled politely, then looked back at Jake.

"Hey thanks, you have a great night." He stood, lit a cigarette and then leaned up against the counter sipping his drink.

"You playing tonight, Rowan?" Jake asked.

"Yes sir…nine o'clock." He turned around to speak.

Rowan. He was simply fascinating.

"Well good luck, you've been sounding real good the past couple of days, when are you going to be cutting a record?"

"Soon sir…I've been sidetracked a bit, but I'm back now…and ready to get the band underway" He took a puff of his smoke.

"That's good. We haven't seen you much," He replied.

"Yeah, business hasn't been too good…I've actually been talking to a good friend of mine, discussing something he's been a writing…" The boy was talking intently, speaking each word carefully. I caught myself starring at him, and then quickly looked away.

"Sounds good, Rowan. It'll be good to see you again." The older man pointed to the stage.

"Thank you." He smiled, then looked at the stage then glanced at me. "Are you here for the show?" He asked me, as if I hadn't been eavesdropping.

I shrugged, and then nodded.

"Great, well enjoy yourself." He smiled, still keeping his eye on me as he headed to the stage approaching a girl looking a bit younger then he fixing a microphone next to him. I sat, my legs stretched on another chair, a cigarette in one hand while the cup of coffee rested in my lap I watched as this boy began to play. He was mesmerizing, amazing and quickly lurching you into his music. I didn't want to stop watching him and at that point I wasn't sure if it was because of his charisma or his spark when you watched him.

"I need to get going." I set down a couple dollar bills.

"So soon, grace? You just got here." Jake chuckled.

"I'll be back again, thank you for all your kindness, Jake."

"Ah, no, no…it's all for you. Kindness is returned with kindness, remember that heavenly." He said warmly.

"Thank you." I looked at him.

"Hey, anytime." He pointed at me as if in a way to invite me back.

A few days past but I was too scared to return to the restaurant that was within walking distance of my apartment. I had found myself a job and when I wasn't painting endless canvases I would be forced to fill the rest of my time with work. It wasn't anything out of the ordinary, just a custodian job at the nearest museum. My focus was getting my artwork into Gainesville so that I could prove my father wrong and find a career. I figured that if I worked at the museum for a while they would allow me to display a few of my works.

It was late, I was mopping the floor repeatedly each swipe making the water flow in the same sequence. Lines began to cascade themselves across the tile floor when I heard footsteps a few feet away. The museum was closing in about ten minutes, but yet the steps were slow as if they weren't planning on making a quick stop. I led the broom across the floor continuing the motion until I heard someone walk up near me, glancing around.

"We're closing in about ten minutes." I mumbled softly.

"Oh, right." I heard him reply.

I looked up but not at him, a slight grin forming at the corner of my mouth. I slowly turned around, trying not to be obvious.

"Can I…can I help you?"

"Well actually miss…I do believe I am looking for the restroom."

"Restroom?" I tried not to laugh.

"Yes miss, um, I had a long walk from my apartment to your work here and I failed to use the restroom before I left. I knew I had to get here before it closed or else you wouldn't be here."

"How did you know…I…"

"Just a lucky guess." He shrugged, smirking.

"A guess, huh." I blushed.

He looked around, putting his arms behind his back.

"It's around the corner," I muttered, continuing to clean.

"What is?" He looked at me, a smile forming around his lips.

"The restroom." I let out a small laugh.

"Right." He nodded, and then turned to leave. "Um," He put his index finger against his lips briefly. "Did you enjoy yourself?"

"Excuse me?" I glanced up at him.

"The other night…at Jake's…you had told me that you were there to see the band…did you enjoy it?"

"Well, yeah, it was great." I shook my head. "But how do you remember me? That was a couple of days ago, no?"

He shrugged.

"I wish you would have stayed…I wanted to talk to you. You know, maybe ask you your name…or what brought you to Gainesville, things like that." He looked at me his eyes not leaving me.

"I'm sorry." I couldn't look up; I could feel my cheeks turning a shade of red.

"It's okay. Maybe another time." He shrugged and turned to leave.

"Well maybe you could ask me now?" I suddenly spit out.

"You're closing in ten minutes." He playfully remarked.

"Right, well, can I meet you when I'm done?" I asked.

He shrugged.

"Sure. I'll be out back."

With that he turned to leave, then spun around jolting towards me.

"I'm Rowan." He put out a hand.

"Celeste." I responded.

"Great, thank you." He then turned to leave again, rushing out in a sort of geekie behavior.

I laughed to myself, finishing up the cleaning and putting the items in the closet. Walking out to his car, he helped me in then rushed to the other side.

"I hope this isn't inconvenient." He turned the car on.

"It's no problem." I assured him. Backing up the car, he wrapped his arm on the seat.

"So," He drove silently for a while to no place unparticular. That's what attracted me to him immediately. He had no intention of going anywhere but to pass time.

"So," I responded.

"You're not from around here?"

"No, I'm not." I looked over at him and flirted a bit. "Um, did you say you wanted to ask me questions or something?"  
"Right, yes I did." He cleared his throat.

"And?" I leaned forward as casually as possible.

"What brought you to Gainesville, Celeste?" He half-grinned, raising only one side of his lip saying my name clearly.

"Freedom. And yourself?"

He looked over at me, surprised at my short answer.

"Kind of the same reason." He shrugged.

"Well we have something in common already."

"Did…is a boy what brought you here?" He began to get nervous, fidgeting and glancing over at me.

"What?" I laughed.

"Nothing." He quickly said.

"No…no, there's no boy."

It was silent for a few minutes.

"Rowan. That's a different name."

"People have different names, if we were all named the same life would be boring, wouldn't you say?" He got slightly defensive.

"I like it." I said assuring him.

He nodded in acceptance and then pulled into a parking lot.

"Is that short for something?"

He looked over at me, debating on whether or not to explain. He shrugged and looked away.

"Just Rowan, I guess."

"Oh, like rowing a boat?" I grinned, for some strange reason wanting to break into song.

He looked back to me, shaking his head.

"No, like Rowan." He smirked, repeating himself. "What do you do?" He turned off the car and unbuckled his belt.

"I'm an artist…kind of. Well, I try to be." I unbuckled myself. "And you?" I asked.

"Music is my first passion." He opened the door to the small restaurant. "Then acting."

"You're an actor too?" I stepped out of the car as he opened my door.

The room was cloudy the air thickened with smoke. The couches were a muddy brown, but looked comfortable and inviting. Music played softly, loud enough to hear but not too loud so that you couldn't talk. The lights were low, a soft blue color covering over them. Tables and chairs cascaded the room and a small bar sat in the corner.

"This is where I spend a lot of my time." He responded avoiding my earlier question. "Can I get you something?"

I thought back to the things I had had earlier that evening.

"Do you think they have herbal tea?" I asked, a bit scared that he would find my taste odd.

He laughed, amused at my question then left for a few minutes.

.2.

I wasn't sure what he meant by an actor, I didn't remember seeing him in any films. Then again, I hadn't had enough spending money to go to movies for almost a year now. At that point in my life I hadn't done a lot of things.

"There you go," He motioned towards a table about five feet away. Sitting down I gulped my drink burning the roof of my mouth and my throat. I coughed, finally feeling the heat overwhelm my body. Slipping off my coat I set the cup down.

"I don't think I've ever seen anyone drink something that fast." He laughed.

"Warm things calm me. It's like once something warm hits my stomach my worries all disappear. Just a stupid analogy." I figured I was being annoying, talking too much maybe. I hadn't told anyone my personal opinions in so long it was then that I realized how lonely I had been.

To my surprise he smirked, sipping on his drink.

"It's not stupid…it's true."

I blushed.

"I see you at Jake's a lot."

"You noticed?" I began to feel uncomfortable, almost threatened.

"Sure, I notice a lot of things…when I want to." He finished off his drink, setting it down and asking for another.

"You paint?" He asked to break my silence.

"How did you know?" I looked at him curiously.

He gently reached for my finger and brought it to my attention the blue dried paint coloring my right finger.

"Oh, right." I began to rub it off, embarrassed from the moment.

"What do you paint?" He sat next to me, relaxing.

"Canvases lately…in my apartment."

"Could I see them sometime?" He seemed almost interested. Not in any kind of way, except for in my paintings.

"If you want." I smiled.

He nodded, taking another long sip.

"Why is music your first passion?" I slowly asked the question; afraid it would be too overwhelming.

"Because its what I love…sometimes I wish that I had chosen that over acting…acting is what my family needed. I was just trying to help."

"Do you enjoy acting?" I asked.

"Sure, it's great. But for so long it supported my family and that's why my dad was so pleased with it. If I had a music career like my acting career, he may as well be just as happy. But I'm not far enough along with that…I came too late. Acting is a job…a gift…but music is a fascination. If that makes sense?" He looked over at me as I watched him talk, watching his lips move and the way his eyes crinkled when he spoke. He leaned forward, his elbows pressed against the end of the table in a determination to get his thoughts across. I nodded my head, following exactly what he said.

"You will find your place in things, Rowan. I know you will. If acting is your gift then music could be given to you also. You never know what life could bring."

"Maybe you're right." He smiled at me then leaned back, relaxing. He glanced at his watch that sat on his left wrist. "We've been talking for almost an hour." He leaned forward resting his elbow on the table. "I haven't had a talk like this in a while. It's perfect." He said seriously.

I laughed.

"A little too perfect, no?"

"Not perfect enough, I have to see your paintings…" He inched forward.

"They're nothing really. Huge canvases with my emotional feelings on them." I tried to make a joke.

"Sounds appealing." He leaned closer to the table, preparing to stand up.

"Maybe tomorrow." I shrugged.

"So there will be a tomorrow?" He sat back down.

"If you want." I shrugged.

"I want there to be." He replied.

"I think we can arrange that." I giggled.

We talked for another hour or two about life in general and mostly of my past. He didn't want to touch on his much, which was fine, I hadn't talked to anyone about what all had happened in so long I needed to let my emotions escape.

It was quiet for a little while, as if time had slipped itself from our grasp. I was trying hard to keep my eyes open as I felt something swipe against my fingertips. His face looked focused as if he was trying hard not to blush or lose concentration. I felt the swipe again as I looked at the table from which beneath it our fingers were gently touching. I didn't move nor care to. Time felt like a very delicate thing, but yet it was growing late. He finally put his fingers through mine and leaned forward, his grasp tightening.

"That's it, let's get you home."

Sitting there I began to think of the possibilities of this mysterious and intriguing British gentlemen. I hadn't known him for more then a couple of hours and he was perfect. Yet, I didn't know if he had a girlfriend or for that matter a family. All I knew that what I needed at that point in my life was someone exactly like Rowan. Standing, his hand remaining in mine I tried to rationalize with what I getting myself into. It seemed to be a situation that could very well either be the best or the worst thing that had ever happened to me.

.3.

We walked to my apartment hand in hand not allowing the chilly air to split between us. We talked and he told me about his father and their relationship. At moments it would get quiet, he would let out long sighs and I wouldn't say a word. I would listen. Later Rowan would tell me that that was his favorite part about me. I would tell him that my favorite part about him was the way he would talk. He could talk for hours about deep subjects that I had trouble even bringing up. He would tell me I was a closed book, and then I would remind him of my friendless childhood due to my shyness.

"Right up there." I said, pointing down the block a bit.

"Are you sure you'll make it up, I'm not even sure if you can make it to the door." He joked.

"I hope so." I replied.

"Can I walk you?" He waited a few minutes to ask. I clung tighter to my grip on his hand.

"Sure."

When I opened my apartment door he stopped before he stepped in.

"I want to be surprised when I see your paintings."

"Then close your eyes." He did as I said and I reached for his hands, slowly leading him into my room. "Okay, open them."

He ran a hand through his bulging amount of hair, swaying in separate directions about an inch above his head. I giggled at him, while he trailed his fingers down the canvas hanging from the high windows flowing to the ground. He looked for a while, glowing in admiration. His face was bright and I actually noticed his nose, the way it perched out. It was cute.

"These are fascinating, Celeste. Really."

"Thank you, that means a lot. I just wish that others would see that."

He looked at me for a while.

"They will. Trust me." It was then that I noticed his British lisp that showed through everything that came from his mouth.

Walking over to me he stubbed his foot gently against the wood floor.

"I don't want to go." He mumbled, looking up at me and squinting a bit.

"Then don't." I shrugged.

"I can't do this to you. I can't weigh you down. You have such an amazing…amazing opportunity in store for you Celeste. With me pulling you down you won't ever go far."

"Then let that happen. I don't care."

"You should! You're an amazing artist."

"Rowan, maybe if I don't need you then maybe you need me." I walked over to him, my lips only centimeters away from his.

He nodded his head, leaning in slowly to kiss me. For the first time in my life I wasn't in control, and I wondered how someone could do that to me. Perhaps I had put up a guard to everyone else, enabling them to do so. Either way, he had this strange ability to make me think that he needed me as much as I needed him. I sunk into the kiss, desperately wanting to be closer to him.

.5.

He restlessly slept on the couch. I tended to do most of my work until the late hours of the night so I painted while he slept. I watched him sleep out of the corner of my eye, recording every move so that if this were a dream I would always remember it. He slept lightly most of the night, tossing and turning. He would talk in his sleep, groan and mumble. When he did wake up he laid there for a few minutes, not saying a word.

"Celeste." He spoke up.

"Hm?" I reached down onto my paint board.

"I don't know if this is possible." He pushed a hand through his hair.

I stopped, dropping my brush near my paints then reaching for it again.

"Probably not." I mumbled.

"No…that it's possible for me to know you for such a short amount of time and care about you so…so much. I do care about you." He walked over to me his pants beginning to slide around his hips, his shirt wrinkled and old.

"I feel the same way." I set my paints down and looked over at him.

"Is it wrong?" He looked at me.

I smiled.

"I don't think so."

"Alright then, no one can know about this…I want it to be ours."

I sat down next to him on the hard wooden floor.

"It's going to be special and unique…something that we share in these four walls. This is too amazing for me to let go." He gently scooped my face into his hands, kissing me. I kneeled on the floor, resting my hands on my knees.

"I like that. Sharing something that can't be shared with any other two people."

He kissed me again.

"I don't want this to end." I reached for him.

"It doesn't have to." He kissed me softly as if in a reminiscent tone.

I had only known Rowan for a little over ten hours and it was as if I could imagine myself loving him for the rest of my life. But then did I want to? Did I want to indulge myself in this person? Was it healthy? When I was younger my mother had told me it is impossible to love someone without spending years of time getting to know him, she said that she should have spent more time conversing with her husband before she married him. I never quite understood what that meant until I meant Rowan and saw that it's not about conversation and habits but about love and a connection that I have never felt with anyone else. It was almost magic, no matter how fairy tale that sounds.

Rowan was reading something on the couch when I woke up. I sat up in bed and glanced across the room.

"Good morning." Crawling out of bed I joined him on the couch.

"Morning." He wrote some more.

"What's that?"

"Nothing…just something I'm working on. I need to run home and get a few things." He mumbled, setting the paper down on his lap.

"Oh, okay." I shrugged.

"Thank you."

"For what?" I laughed.

"For letting me stay here last night."

He was making it sound like it was all over, like our time together was over. I was so confused.

"Sure…should I be expecting you again anytime soon?"

"If you want to be." He mumbled.

I began to feel uncomfortable, fiddling with the end of the pillow.

"You want to get breakfast with me?" He glanced up at the clock on the wall.

A smile spread across my face.

"I'd love to." Jumping up I rushed to get ready, taking a shower and quickly dressing. My apartment wasn't large but due to the studio style of it I had a lot of open room. My bed in the right corner, a bathroom in the left, a stove and table next to that and a couch a few feet from that. It was all in the open and that was the way I liked it. Even with Rowan there, he seemed to love it just as much.

Walking out of the apartment he slipped his hand in mine, squeezing it a few times.

"I didn't mean to make it sound like I was brushing you off earlier. There's just…some other things-"

"Wait, stop…" I stopped him in the middle of the steps, putting my hand on his arm. "When we're together let's not discuss the outside world."

He smiled, laughing a bit.

"Alright."

It was then that we decided that we both wanted something different then either of us had ever had, something unique and personal. We decided the life that we lived in my small, dirty apartment and the time that we spent together was a different life then the one we lived in the clubs or on the movie sets. We were in a different life together and that's how we wanted it. We shared something that could never be shared again with any other two people. We were one and there was no need of anyone to ever know.

At that time was when I began to notice particular things about Rowan that I would cherish for the rest of my life. He was very persistent, he would push until people gave into him, but at the same time he was sensitive and kind, he was very aware of other's feeling.

"What can I get you?" The waiter asked.

"I think I'm just going to have tea for now." Rowan skimmed the menu.

"And for you miss?"

I caught myself looking at Rowan again, smiling at his approach to things.

"Sausage sounds delicious to me right now, to you too Rowan?" I laughed, looking down at my menu.

Rowan looked up at me, a hurt expression flooding his face. I was confused and I waited until after the waiter left to say anything. Reaching under the table I felt for his hand that was resting on the red seat.

He glanced at me out of the corner of his eye.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?" I giggled.

"I just…I can't support that, Celeste. Killing animals…all of that…it's an irrational way of using our power…taking a weaker thing and killing it. I don't believe in it…so I can't—I won't—sit here and watch you eat meat, I'm sorry." He pulled away. "Ever since I was old enough to realize the harm that is committed against animals I've devoted myself to being a vegetarian. I don't want to hurt animals, Celeste. I just…don't feel comfortable watching you eat meat and-"

"Rowan…I understand, it's okay. I won't eat it, I promise."

And I didn't. I became a vegetarian from then on, sometimes wondering if I only did that to add another interest to the list I had of Rowan and I.

"I need to go, can I see you tonight?" He walked me up to my apartment, standing on the steps. I leaned against the banister smiling.

"Well, I suppose…I guess I don't have any other social plans for this evening." I rolled my eyes, laughing.

"That's cute." He mumbled.

"What?" I leaned forward.

"It's cute when you do that." He tried to get out.

I blushed.

"See you." He kissed my softly then skipped down the stairs.

Collapsing on my floor I turned on my old Billy Joel tape and tried to comprehend when my life changed into something so amazing. I was dying to tell someone, the landlord, the old man I see by tenth and Garlingford Street. But then I realized I wasn't sure how much I actually needed to tell anyone. I stopped myself and completely disconnected that thought, I may want to, but I didn't need to. It was special, private and enclosed. A completely different life then that of which we lived outside.

We spent the next two weeks together every night. He would sleep on the couch, sometimes in bed next to me, but we never made love. I don't feel that it was because we weren't comfortable enough, but rather because we saw no need to. We would go and eat breakfast together then he would leave for the afternoon and return late at night. I never asked where he went during the day, another thing that wasn't needed. His afternoon work was something we rarely talked about.

.6.

He came back one night, later then usual. He dropped a small paper bag on the floor and then sat down on a chair.

"I got a job." He began to take off his shoes.

"You did?" I exclaimed.

"Yeah." He mumbled.

"Why don't you sound so happy?"

"Because! It's not something I want right now."

"Then why did you take it?" I asked slowly.

"I need money, Celeste! This is how I live." He stood up, pacing the room.

"Okay…well…what's your job?" I tried to sound interested, but at that moment thousands of things were sliding through my head.

"I have to cut my hair…" He mumbled, scratching his mop-like head of hair, greasy with the lack of washing. I grinned.

I sat next to him, playing with his locks. As our hands met he brought it down, softly kissing it. I pulled up my other hand, continuing to play with his hair.

"I have to go away." He looked up at me.

"What?" I stopped.

"To film a movie in Washington…I have to go to boot camp and everything."

"A movie." I sighed.

"I'm so sorry Celeste. Spending time with you is what I want to be doing right now, I swear to you. My publicist keeps on calling me, and wants to know how my films are coming. How could I tell them that I decided to be a musician? They wouldn't accept that. I have to do this film, Celeste. Please believe me. These past couple of weeks have been the best thing in my life, the last thing I want to do is give it up."

"What are you talking about, Rowan? We aren't giving anything up…in fact this could make us stronger. No matter where you go I'll still be thinking about you." I wrapped my arms around him, giving him a hug then kissing his hair. "How short do you have to cut it?" I played with it again.

"Short…too short. I play a Marine."

I nodded my head, then stood up.

"Why don't we cut it now, so that the next time I see you I'll recognize you and it won't be hard."

"Are you sure?" He walked over to a mirror.

"Yes, I'm sure. Come sit down…I'll cut it for you."

We laughed a lot that night, constantly telling jokes or making fun of how weird he looked without hair. We made fun of every item possible in the room and by the end of the night I discovered every ugly quirk about my apartment.

"When do you leave?" We were curled up in my bed, the white sheets covering our clothes that we were too lazy to change into pajamas.

"Two weeks." I sighed, curling closer.

"Will you write?"

"I'll call." He smiled.

"Promise?"

"I swear."

The night before he left he came home later then usual, sopping wet. I was reaching my sleep on the couch; my reading glasses still perched on my nose. He walked in and I could almost feel the breeze he carried with him. He kissed me softly, sitting on the floor in front of me. Letting his moist, soft hair brush against my shoulder as he curled up next to me pressing his lips against my neck. Then beginning to softly sob allowing me to feel the warm tears against my bare skin.

"What is it?" I slowly whispered, bringing his head onto my lap as I sat up.

"I can't deal with it." He wrapped his arm around my waist, sobbing harder.

"With what?" I stroked his hair gently.

"I'm sinking, Celee. I'm sinking so fast and I'm not sure…I'm not sure if I can make it out." He looked up at me, the tears slipping out of his blood shot eyes.

Reaching for his cheeks I kissed him.

"Not if I'm here to help you."

He stopped, looking up at me and then slowly moved towards me. With a slow motion, he reached for me kissing me more passionately then he ever had before. His body soon found its way next to mine; he let his wet clothes run against me, the dampness beginning to fill the sheets. I slipped my shirt over my head, his hands beginning to caress my back. He led me to the bed, sliding the sheets down so that we could climb inside.

It was near two when we woke up, his clothes were still drenched with rainwater sitting on the floor, my shirt lying on the floor somewhere. I curled closer next to him, longing to feel his warmth.

"What happened tonight Rowan?" I asked, reaching for his fingers.

"Hm? Well…some like to call it making love, but maybe you call it-"

I grinned

"No…why were you so upset?" I looked up at him. His face grew serious, a deep expression flooding his eyes. He didn't answer for a while and I was almost sure he didn't want to discuss it.

"My father and mother aren't doing so good…their marriage is falling apart and I get letters from my sister all of the time, begging me to help her and be with her. I couldn't handle it so…I went to a friends house…"

I curled closer.

"…I can't get into that Celeste. I can't drown myself in that."

"In what?" I begged, reaching for his face. I ran my fingers gently down his cheek.

He began to cry again, this time softer. Rolling over on his side he began to mumble things.

"There's so many things that people do that shouldn't be done. I don't want to be apart of that."

I wanted to hold him and listen to him while he told me things but I knew that he wasn't ready to tell yet. I waited patiently, drifting in and out of sleep.

"Celeste." He rolled over and looked at me. I opened my eyes, leaning towards him.

"I…I need your help…I can't do…I can't do a thing on my own." He stuttered.

"Rowan-"

"…let me finish. I want to be with you…not just for tonight, but forever. I don't want to you let you go. I can't talk to anyone else about this…Celeste. Not my family, not a friend, no one. You're my life right now…in these four walls, in this tiny apartment, you are my life, I love you." He kissed me softly.

He didn't need to say anything else I was his completely. I knew he didn't want to talk about the drugs he had earlier that day or what he had to drink last night. I knew that he didn't want to discuss any of that, but I knew the only thing he truly needed was my love and I was never going to stop giving him that.

.7.

A couple of months past and looking back I view those as the worst ones. I had begun to submit my work eager to get more money then I was getting working at the museum. I was turned down every time, complaining that my work was too large or too many colors, or just didn't fit right. I was depressed; eager for another joke with Rowan a smile that he would put across my face.

He kept his promise, calling whenever he got a chance. It was then I realized how stressful filming could get. When we did talk, he was bitter, angry. He would say it was because we weren't together but there was something bothering him.

In the beginning of June 1990, he came back for a visit, surprising me. I was sitting alone at my table, only a tiny lamp giving me the working light needed. Painting, I slowly looked up as I heard the door open. I reached for the gun that sat on the chair. I turned around slowly, preparing to shoot whoever was at the door. It seemed strange to me that I had never before shot a gun but was given one by me grandfather when I was younger.

"Wow, put that thing down." He laughed. I dropped the gun then drew him into a hug. He dropped his bag and then kissed me everywhere, hugging me and caressing me. We laughed as we fell onto the floor rolling around I'm sure making more noise then the landlord would appreciate.

"I missed you." I said between kisses.

"I love you." He responded.

"When do you have to leave again?" I asked.

"In the morning." He mumbled.

I kissed him again, then rolling so that we were lying flat on the ground. We were breathing hard, all the energy taken out of us. We began to giggle, then burst into laughter, unable to stay still.

"We're being so loud." He grinned then snorted.

He pointed at me in response to my outburst and then laughed, curling in a bit. I began to laugh harder, throwing my head back when he turned on his side looking at me. I slowly stopped, then turned towards him. Gently, he reached for my hair and pulled it away from my cheeks, kissing my forehead then my nose and my cheek.

"I love you." He sighed. It seemed as though I'd heard that before. From boyfriends back home and even the summer boyfriend I had as teenager when I visited France, but Rowan seemed to say it differently. Anyone can say I love you, but it takes someone that truly feels that way to mean it. I wasn't sure if he meant it, but I realized then that I loved him.

He pulled me against him passionately kissing me, his hands searching me. Delicately he coaxed me towards the bed as we continued kissing. I laid down gently, closing my eyes slightly to somehow capture the moment so that when it had all passed and we had shared our goodbyes, I could remember him in a way that I had never thought of another man before.

"Celeste?" He kissed my cheek gently. "We don't have to."

I opened my eyes, pulling him towards me with a kiss.

"I love you, Rowan." I responded and then relaxed, releasing myself in his arms as we made love for the rest of the night.

When I woke up he was gone. He left a note saying he'd call me when he got to the set. I taped it on my bedpost, then curled into my sheets and went back to sleep until around noon.

"Hello?" I swung the telephone off its hook and against my ear.

"Good morning my beautiful." He mumbled into the phone.

"Rowan?" I sat up in bed.

"Yes love?" He answered back. "Sure, right over there." He said to someone near him.

"I miss you." I twisted myself up in the covers, eager to feel his touch again.

"I miss you too, but I have to go now. I'll call you soon. I love you." He said softly, so as for no one to hear.

"Bye." I whispered, then hung up the phone.

I collapsed on the bed and flew my arms out against the pillows. Last night had been one of the happiest nights of my life and yet it was lost in the morning.

I understood that Rowan was busy, but it had been such a treat to hear his voice over the telephone. We both agreed not to do it for fear of giving someone evidence of our relationship. It was almost as if the phone call gave me a lift of hope, a sort of sign that our relationship could stay strong.

He didn't call me for the next few days therefore I was left alone in my apartment. Those were the dark months of our relationship, we were to later joke about them, but when they were occurring there was nothing to laugh about. I discovered the sin of drugs that Rowan would normally keep me away from more often then not. I tried everything, bringing people back to my apartment and discovering new feelings, new emotions. But to have them all over flood me and give me no sign of life. I allowed myself to get lost in them, to forget about money, work, and pay. To forget about Rowan and drop the burden I just recently began to carry.

.8.

The high point of the summer weather was approaching. I was told that it reached such high temperatures in Florida that your entire body would sweat if you walked around the block. Yet today was dreary and one of the few occasions in which we experienced a down poor of rain upon my tiny apartment. I hadn't paid my rent, I hadn't taken a shower, and all I was concentrating on was selling more paintings to get money for the drugs. That seemed to be all that I cared about. I was a mess and the first to admit it.

"Look lady, I can't give you anymore, okay? Leave me alone about it."

"You don't understand." I hissed through the door. "Don't leave me out in the dark like this, please-"

"I have to go. I'm sorry." He rushed away as I collapsed against the door, sliding down it completely in tears. I'm not sure exactly how long I was there, but the next thing I remember was someone banging on the door.

"Open up!" He yelled again.

The sharp voice was alarming as I drew my breath in. I slowly opened the door; leaving the bolt on until I saw Rowan's grin as he pushed his fingers through the small area I gave him sending out a small wave.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

"Celeste, didn't you get my letter? And the phone's been disconnected, will you please let me in?" I closed the door, leaning against it. "What's the matter? Let me in, come on…please." I slowly unbolted the door as he walked into the room. I backed away, curling my hands inside my shirt, afraid of what he would say when he saw me.

"What happened?" He asked, setting down his suitcase.

"I got tired, Rowe." I mumbled.

"I understand." He nodded his head, reaching out for me.

"Can I borrow twenty bucks?" I quickly said, pulling away from his arms.

"Why?" He looked at me.

"I just need some twenty bucks! Give it to me will you, come on." He put his hand in his pockets.

"No Celeste, I can't give you any money."

"Why are you doing this? You above all people, I would have never imagined. Ha, you probably don't even have twenty bucks because you spent it on a fix this morning. Can't you help a poor girl out and give me a little of what you got…come on…?" I went up against him, wrapping my arms around his neck.

"Stop it, this isn't you Celeste. I know you, and you wouldn't do this…I know the world of drugs Celeste, trust me, I know them all too well and you are too…too wonderful to be exposed to that-"

"Why is it that it's okay for you to do it and not for me? Huh? Why is that?" I had begun to cry, and yet I wasn't sure exactly what it was that I was crying for. It had been a terrible week and my head was still spinning from the night before.

"Because I don't drown myself in them like you have been…look at yourself, Celeste…when was the last time you took a shower or paid your bills or did anything for you?" He stroked my hair gently.

"I've needed you here!" I screamed.

"I know and I'm sorry, but I couldn't be here…we talked about this."

"Rowan! I'm tired…I'm so tired of fighting it."

"I know, shh…" He pulled me into his embrace and cradled me in his arms.

He laid me on the bed, and then kneeled down next to me.

"I'm sorry that I haven't been there, Celeste…I'm sorry you had to get into this."

"Don't be sorry Rowan…and you're right. There are different ways to handle things, I just took it all too quickly…"

"Don't live your life from what I say, Celee…I'm no…I'm no good. You're better than all of this."

"What are you talking about? You're the most amazing person I know." I smiled, running my fingers gently through his short hair.

"I wish you wouldn't do that." He closed his eyes slowly.

"Why not?" I dramatically began to run both of my hands through his oily hair, then kissing his forehead.

"Because, I haven't seen my girl in almost a month." He then jumped in bed next to me, letting go of all his passion.

The next few days were priceless; Rowan helped me with the bills as I promised I would pay him back. He loaned me money to get groceries and fix up the house a bit. His paycheck for his movie, he joked. He said he was glad to be away from the movie set and eager to get back to the streets of Florida. I hadn't been happier in my life. We made love each night while he was home, treasuring each minute of it. He would tell me what a gift I was and we had little parties. It was just the two of us and I loved them. Though he and I both knew it would take ages to break my habit, we would have our own times out on the street, getting high and drenched with the rain. Yet for the first time, it wasn't a depressing moment and I wasn't alone. He was standing next to me, my hand entwined with his and I was in love.

.9.

It was early a couple days later and the weather was beautiful. Rowan had slept in, which was unusual, and I had been working on the bills and on a letter to send to my father, though I knew I would never send it.

"What time is it?" He jolted up in bed.

"A little after ten." I bit slowly into a bagel.

"Shit." He mumbled, slipping out of bed and began to run around the apartment. "Where's my clothes, where'd you put my clothes, Celeste?" He yelled.

"Clothes might be a good idea." I giggled.

He looked down at his bare body, and then laughed, setting his hands on his hips.

"Very funny."

"Sorry, they're hanging over there…they might be dry." I pointed towards the back of the room.

He came by a few minutes later, and kissed me quickly on the cheek.

"Bye." I mumbled.

I didn't ask where he was going, for I knew it had something to do with work or his girlfriend or something important, he hardly ever rushed. He used to say that you could cause more trouble rushing to be on time then going late. He faithfully followed his saying.

I fell asleep, I think, after that. I'm not sure what brought on my tiredness or why I couldn't keep my eyes opened but I slept most of the day, hardly able to get out of bed.

When I awoke he tickled drops of precipitation against my chest, dripping the shower water on me.

"Celee?" He whispered.

"What is it?" I set my book down, trailing my fingers down his cheek.

"I need to ask you something." He turned so that his head was resting on my stomach.

"So ask." I shrugged, picking up my book again.

"Will you meet my parents?"

I looked at him, shaking my head and then standing up. His head fell gently on the mattress, but he quickly positioned himself on his knees.

"Rowan, we discussed this. Our relationship is only here, in this room. We can't be making any exceptions…first your parents, then one of my friends—it could turn into exactly what we didn't want it to…a media relationship. Didn't we want to sway away from that, Rowe?"

"But Celeste…these are my parents. My mother brought me into this world. She loves me, unconditionally. She's the only one that has stood by me no matter what…through every screw up I made, she still loved me…now…now that I have something that I'm proud of, something that I love. Something that's good for me and for my life…now that I've found the most amazing person in my life…I want to share it with the one person that has never stopped loving me. I can't hold it in anymore…I love you too much." He's on his knees in front of me, begging for me to run my hands through his hair.

My curls dangled in my view, slipping over my cheeks and near his forehead. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me towards him.

"Please, Celee."

"Rowan…I don't think that this is the right time to meet your parents."

He pulled away and walked near the table.

"Why not?" He pounded the table, turning around and starring at me.

"Because Rowan!" I sat in the couch, curling up in my white nightgown.

"You give me one good reason why not and I'll be fine with it."

"They won't except it,"

"They will too." He yelled.

"They won't trust you anymore…the way you talk about your siblings, there isn't anything that they don't know what about you…but now, you've been keeping this hidden relationship from them for months…they could be so angry."

"They won't care, they love me Celeste. More then anyone…I just want to share something with them. They'll have no idea, but I want to share with them the one thing I'm proud of in my life and if you're going to keep me from doing that then—"

"I can't let you do this Rowan because I'm pregnant! How would your mom feel if her son that she loves and has never lost hope in just got a girl pregnant…how would she feel?"

"You're…pregnant." He stopped and approached me by the couch. "…Pregnant." He kneeled, slowly in front of me.

I felt the tears falling against my cheeks as I quickly pushed them away with the back of my hand.

"I didn't want to tell you because I knew that it would disappoint you."

"Disappointed?" He almost laughed, gently moving his hand against my stomach; he softly rubbed it, and then kissed me. "How far are you?"

"A month." I bit my bottom lip. "Are you disappointed?" I sniffed.

"There's no way." He raised his eyebrows, and then kissed me again.

I returned to the bed, while Rowan read a book at the table. Though I was sure he wasn't reading it, he could hardly read, let only be so indulged in a book for that long. I found myself hurt at the fact that he hadn't asked me to read to him. We always tended to do that; he would drag himself over to my bed with the book and lie down next to me while I would read to him until he fell asleep. It seemed silly of me to be hurt just because he wouldn't let me read to him. I remember wishing that he would at least say something. He hadn't seemed angry when I first told him, but I had no idea now.

He didn't come to bed, but stayed up all night at the table writing and reading. I didn't say anything or bother to ask what he was doing. I hardly slept anyway I wasn't tired. When I did get up the next morning he was gone, but a note was left that he had arranged us to visit his parents that evening for supper. I dropped the note and took a quick shower, scared out of my mind on how I was going to approach his family or what Rowan had in mind to do with his family.

When he returned around five, he was obviously high and he held a small loaf of banana bread that he had gotten from the Vegetarian bakery down the road.

"What is this for?" I asked, inviting him in the doorway.

"It's bread." He shrugged.

"I see that." I was racing around the apartment, trying to find something to wear.

"Why aren't you dressed?" He set the small container on the table and scratched his head.

"I'm getting there…can you button me please?" I pulled my hair away for him to button the back of my dress.

"This is pretty." He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me towards him. He kissed my neck gently, but his hold didn't loosen.

"I love you, Celeste." He whispered.

"I love you too, Rowe." I smiled.

"And I'm happy about this baby."

I turned around, still collected in his arms.

"Are you really?"

"And I don't see a need to elope for the gift of a child…we'll have it here, at home…together." It felt as though the words that seemed to casually slip from his mouth made every worry that I had been feeling slowly diminish. No matter how loaded he was or what he had to drink that day, I knew that he was serious. He had to be, I would hold him to it.

"Ready to go meet my parents?" He asked.

"Just about."

"I need to take a shower." He slipped off his jacket and then his shirt, then his pants.

"At the shower, please." I laughed directing him towards the shower.

"Oh yeah…do you need one too?" He turned around, putting his hand on his hip.

I began to grin.

"Hurry up Rowan." I shook my head while I looked for a nice outfit for Rowan to wear and something to take as a house-warming gift.

10.

Two hours later, we stood on his front porch the banana bread in my hands while Rowan itched at his tie.

"I don't see why I had to wear this thing, they're just my family."

"So we look nice Rowan, understand?"

He laughed, taking my hand.

"I'm not telling them about our relationship."

Before I could answer him the door opened and his mother greeted us, a welcoming smile spread across her face.

"Where is everyone?" Rowan quickly asked, taking my coat and setting it on a chair.

"In the kitchen…you're late for dinner…we wanted to do something special so I made that tofu salad that you like so much." She was leaning towards him, saying these words softly but sweetly, her arm around his waist.

"Hey Rowan." His sister attacked him with a hug, wrapping her arms around his waist.

"Iris, how are you?" He kissed her head tenderly, and then reached for his brother for a hug. "Yorke, where have you been lately?"

"Around." He smiled.

The family went into a fit of conversation, all talking at once, asking question and wanting answers. I found the British accent that flew through out the kitchen intriguing and quite entertaining. I tried to sway in the back to go unnoticed, however I had a feeling that Rowan wasn't going to let that happen.

"Everyone, this is Celeste. She's a good friend of mine." Like an idiot, I waved as Rowan put his arm around my shoulder. "Celeste, that is my mother, Oella, my sisters Iris and Cloe. This is my brother and one of my very best friends, Yorke." Interested in his hidden and shy younger brother I shook his hand.

Iris immediately gave me a welcomed feeling, coaxing me into the kitchen while explaining the house and the family. I liked her right away.

"Having fun?" Rowan caught my hand as I came back from the bathroom.

"You're family is wonderful." I looked to the ground.

"What is it?" He tilted my chin up and looked at me.

"I wish I could have you meet my family."

"Sure you can, tomorrow night." He shrugged, a smile appearing around his lips.

"Not tomorrow night," I shook my head slowly.

"Then sometime, okay?" He kissed my hand, then walked back into the dining room as we ate something sweet for dessert, but I wasn't exactly sure what it is. I thought it might be impolite to ask.

"So Celeste, what do you do for a living?"

"I um-"

"She's a painter, an amazing painter mother. She has these canvases in her apartment just hanging from the ceiling to display her work. She's really talented. She even works at the museum and sells some of her work there." He spoke before shuffling food into his mouth.

"Is that right?" His mother smiled, taking a bite of her food.

"Just a fun pastime." I blushed.

"Oh no, painting is a talent…Chloe draws some, you two should exchange work or something." She quickly assured me.

I felt relieved. She didn't look down on my passion.

"You've seen her canvases?" Iris coughed into her napkin, a grin covering her lips.

Rowan glared at her, shooting some sort of secret look as both Iris and Yorke erupted in laughter.

"Would you like some more water?" His mother asked, picking up the jar.

"No thank you." I looked over at Cloe who drew something on the table, paying no mind to what else was going on around her. She ate her dessert slowly, savoring each bite. She reminded me a lot of myself. Within the busy atmosphere and activities she seemed peaceful, and that she enjoyed being a hidden loner. She was incredibly sweet.

"Your English is very good, Celeste." Oella added.

"Thank you." I smiled.

"Are you originally from France?" She asked, sipping on her drink.

"Yes, well actually in Belgium, I spent my childhood there." I responded.

"How intriguing. I'm from London and I met their father there."  
"London brought you to Florida?" I grinned.

"London took us to Costa Rica which took us to Los Angeles and quiet and hopeful atmospheres brought us to Gainesville." Oella replied and it was quiet for only a few minutes when we all began to laugh.

We spent the rest of the night talking about old times and laughing about private jokes and old family memories. I was able to tell of all of Rowan's new tales that I was lucky to experience. It was hard to keep our life a secret, though I knew it was for the best.

It was near one in the morning and Cloe was dozing off by the couch. Rowan and his mother were talking quietly while Iris and I exchanged stories.

"How long have you known Rowan?" She asked.

"Only for a little while…since January." I mumbled, drinking out of my cup.

"Do you two spend a lot of time together?"

"On occasion." I shrugged.

She leaned forward and I could only guess what she was going to ask.

"I know all of Rowan's girlfriends and women he…spends time with…but you, he hasn't mentioned much about you. Not that that's a bad thing, there's a lot of Rowan we don't know entirely about."

"I'm not sure why he hasn't mentioned me, you should ask sometime." I grinned.

"I will." She sounded determined, but I really hoped she wouldn't.

"Do you go to his movie sets?" Yorke added in.

"No." I quickly answered, shaking my head.

"Well why not?" Iris asked.

"I don't want to…that would ruin the magic of the movie…and I love the magic in the movies." I quickly made up.

"Me too." Iris agreed.

"Celee, we're just going to stay here tonight. A storm's coming and mother thinks it's too late to make the drive home. Is that okay?"

"Sure." I nodded.

"I'll make a bed upstairs for you two." His mother quickly said, rushing upstairs.

I gave Rowan a look, but he all he did was smile and sit next to me, talking to his brother and sister.

"Are you going to be sleeping in my room?" Iris asked.

"I'm not sure." I looked back at Rowan.

"No, not tonight." He replied, and then returned to his conversation with Yorke. I slowly allowed my leg to touch his hoping he could feel how happy that made me.

We whispered back and forth in the spare bedroom that night. The room filled with a chill of air and we were both eager to get into bed.

"She doesn't even want an excuse, Celeste. She said you're the most wonderful thing she could ever want and she loves you like a daughter. She said that you're welcome here anytime…it doesn't matter." He rushed around the room, slipping off his pants and shirt, leaving on only his underwear.

"So what does this mean?" He crawled in bed next to me and pulled me close to him.

"Well…that you can find my mother has a friend…not a threat to our relationship…and that no matter what, she'll love you…both of us. My siblings are fine, they don't really suspect anything, but as far as the baby goes…I'll have to go away for a while. I don't want the landlord to start asking us questions…marriage questions. I'll just wait a while until you're fully pregnant and then return-"

"I won't ever see you?" I interrupted.

"Of course you will. I'll be around." He grinned, stroking my hair.

"You can't leave me while I'm pregnant, Rowan. That's when I need you the most." I couldn't help but begin to cry, even thinking that he wouldn't be able to help me through the pregnancy.

"Okay, shh…it's okay. I'll be there. I promise." He held me close, gently rubbing my back.

"Promise? Don't you lie to me, Rowan? I need you to promise me you'll be there."

"I promise." He looked at me directly, then kissed the tip of my nose.

It was quiet for a long time as I began to fall asleep in the unfamiliar bed.

"Will you scratch my back?" He suddenly asked.

I turned around and began to trail my fingers smoothly across his skin.

"After this, will you scratch mine?" I whispered. He nodded as if he was slowly dozing off. "Don't you dare fall asleep on me or I will stop right now." I hissed, a bit louder.

"Alright, fine. I'll scratch your back." He sighed as I continued my sweeping motion, drawing a picture against his bare back.

"You have such fine skin." I mumbled. As if in reaction to the remark he quickly turned around so that I could smell his breath.

"Do you want me to scratch your arm instead? I read once that there are these certain points on a woman's body that makes her feel the most relaxed."

"Maybe, but I doubt it's the arm." I grinned and turned on my side so that my back was facing him.

"Celeste," He began, gently moving his fingers around. "Do you remember when you were young and your mother used to do this?"

"My mother never did this." I replied.

"Never?"

"It wasn't natural where I lived. You know how some things just aren't said or done…that was one of them."

"But not having someone ever scratch your back?" He put his arms on my hips and nudged himself towards me. "That's terrible."

"I'm tired."  
"Wait, stay awake until I'm done." He let out a long sigh. "This may sound strange, but when we were little, Yorke, Iris and I used to draw pictures on each other's back's and…we would have to guess what they were…I bet that sounds pretty stupid, huh?" I began to feel him draw something against my skin as I closed my eyes, trying to decipher what it was. "I'm sorry." He immediately stopped and turned onto his stomach. I waited a few minutes, feeling myself nearly reaching sleep.

"I love you too."

.11.

When I woke up I felt the overwhelming urge to vomit. I could hardly make it to the bathroom across the bedroom.

"Celeste?" I heard Rowan mumble from the bed. He came stumbling in, leaning up against the doorframe, and scratching his head. "Are you sick?" He stroked my back, pulling my hair away from the toilet.

I shook my head, and then finished collapsing on the bathroom floor.

"What is the matter with me?" I ran my hand through my hair.

"Well, sometimes when you're pregnant…you throw up…"

I began to cry, sobbing on the bathroom floor. It wasn't as if I had just realized it, but it actually hit me that I had no idea what the hell I was doing. I wasn't old enough to be pregnant, financially stable enough to be pregnant nor smart enough to be a mom.

"Celeste…" He scooted over next to me and gathered me in his arms, gently rocking me. "It is going to be hard…but it will be fine, I promise."

"Rowan?" Yorke entered the doorway.

"What are you doing? Can't you knock?" Rowan threw the tissue box at the door.

"Sorry!" Yorke blocked the hit and rushed out of the room.

"I'm so sorry…he didn't know that-"

"No Rowan…don't be angry with him…don't make him angry." I pulled away as he kissed me on the forehead, and then rushed out of the bathroom. I sat on the chair near the bathtub and looked at myself in the mirror. I was young, light blond hair framed my face then going into curls after it hit my cheekbones, age grew under my eyes, and my lips were chapped, but red as always. My eyes were a dark blue, but inflamed red from crying. Reality seemed to come as a shock and slammed against me all at once. I had no idea what I was going to do in the next nine months, or why I had fallen so in love with Rowan Hawke. I was well aware about his wondering eyes and his other girlfriends that he dated. It was only those few minutes on the bathroom floor that I actually contemplated what I was doing. He soon returned, picking me up in his arms and muttering a few things.

"Come on Celee, let's get you home."

It seemed that all Rowan had to do is mention that we had a home together and eventually a family and my troubles vanished. But there was something that held strong in the back of my mind, as if had to remind myself that life wasn't perfect and the relationship that I was striving to share with Rowan was unable to be perfect. As for that instance, we said our goodbyes to the family and I clenched my fists so that I wouldn't vomit again. I truly believed that I wasn't making a mistake and that his love and presence was all I needed in my life.

When we returned to my cold, dirty apartment he laid me in bed and then crawled in next to me, stroking my hair.

"Are you mad at me?"

"For what?" I smiled.

It was still raining; no lights were on but only the clouded sky that dimly lit the room.

"For taking you there…to my house. I shouldn't have done that—Yorke was too smart for that…my mom, she's easy, but Yorke, he knows me more then anyone else in my family. He-"

"Rowan? It's fine. It'll be fine." I snuggled against him, closing my eyes.

"You sleep Celeste, I'll be here when you get up."

I didn't answer him just tried to sleep.

During the next few months Rowan and I would spend a lot of our time at Jake's, relaxing and relying on the free food to get us through our meals.

"I have some leftovers if anyone wants some." He carried out a plate of food.

I hit my spoon against my teacup as the excess tea fell from the spoon back into the liquid. I waved it, swallowing the rest of what I had put in my mouth.

"Eat up, darling. You need something besides tea in your stomach." He poured something into my bowl.

Rowan sat doodling on a napkin next to me.

"And how was your day?" Jake sat in front of us, pulling out his bookwork and setting bifocals on the tip of his nose.

"Good…I went grocery shopping and tried to clean my kitchen." I began to devour the food.

"And you Rowe?" Jake glanced up.

"Wrote some things…talked to people…" His reply was short and dull. He twisted the straw that he had found between his fingers. He looked up at Jake as he pushed his glasses farther on his nose. "Do you think its possible for the actor to become the character?"

Jake didn't respond for a while and it wasn't until I finished my food that Jake set his pen down and looked at Rowan.

"I think if someone would let themselves get lost in their character it is very possible. They say that the person adds bits of his personality into the character, but sometimes it switches and the character over takes the actor…possessing him and pushing him into another person. The character tends to suffocate the actor. That is why it is smart to watch yourself, keep your head above the characters." He picked up his pen again.

"Pete called…I need to go see him for a couple days, finish a few things." He sniffed, itching his nose.

I gulped, all of the food I ate itching at the back of my throat.

"Leave again?" I immediately asked.

He nodded, putting his arm on the back of my chair.

"Well, don't be gone for long and if all else fails, think of this heavenly face that's here when you return." Jake chuckled.

"And who could forget this face?" Rowan laughed, pulling me close to him and kissing me hard on the cheek.

I abruptly pulled away, crossing my arms.

"It's late, let's get you home." Rowan glanced at his watch. He stood up and put on his coat.

"Thank you, Jake. We'll see you soon."

Walking out of the restaurant, Rowan linked his arm with mine.

"It'll only be for a few days…at the most a couple weeks…I thought this kind of thing didn't bother you Celee." Rowan whispered.

"It doesn't." I mumbled.

"Obviously it does." He pulled away.

"It feels like you were keeping it from me…were you keeping it from me, Rowe?" I stopped walking and dropped my arms.

"Celeste," He shook his head.

"Were you?" I tried to stop my lip from trembling.

"No." He shook his head, sternly.

"I believe you." We walked home, parallel to each other yet not saying a word. I knew he wasn't telling the truth and it would have to wait until I actually saw the film myself that I saw why. It was terribly vulgar in every sexual way possible. I knew he saw it as an art and as a character but it affected Rowan in ways that if I could have stopped it, I would have.

.12.

Iris called me often, and even if I had to hide the fact that Rowan was sitting next to me, I enjoyed talking to her. Out of the few people I met in Gainesville Iris was and still is, the closest to my heart. She had this air about her that flew around in circles above her head and sent off unknown signals and emotions. I was surprised to find a good friend in her; I hadn't found many of those since I moved to Florida.

The more pregnant I became, the more time Rowan spent at his house or to the media, his girlfriend Ellen Davis. I didn't mind, and no matter how much it hurt me, I lied to Iris and told her I was screwed over by some old boyfriend and I was now pregnant. In return she would drive the two and a half hours often and sit on my hard floor and pick out baby supplies with me, even though I was well aware that I couldn't pay for half of the things. The magazines torn and ripped scattered themselves aimlessly around my floor. We cut and pasted each item we liked the best.

"This would be adorable. Do you know if it's a boy or girl yet?" Iris asked. I stopped, gently rubbing my stomach. I wasn't that big yet, only about four months along, but I could still feel the baby move.

"Not yet…I think we—I want to be surprised."

"Yeah, sure…well, I guess that he or she could wear this." She held up a clipping, smiling.

"That's so small. I was, um, thinking that I wouldn't dress my child in clothes like this. I just think its fun to look."

"Really? My mother didn't dress us in these kinds of baby clothes; though we didn't even have enough money to wear them…she made our clothes. Do you want to make your babies clothes?" Iris instantly got excited, moving to her knees.

"Well…I'm not-"

"I can help you! Mother taught me how to sew since I was little…so you could do that if you chose to."

The door opened and Rowan walked in, another loaf of bread in his hands.

"Hey there," Iris looked up at her brother.

I knew he was high, but I didn't say anything.

"What are you doing here?" He coughed.

"We're picking out baby clothes, well…just kind of imagining." She looked over at me. "But Celeste thinks she may want to make her clothes, do you remember when mother made our clothes?"

"I don't think you should make the baby's clothes, Celee…I think that…that you should buy nice clothes for the baby." He looked over at me.

"Well I wasn't sure-" I spoke up.

"I mean you're not poor are you? Our family was poor, that's why mother couldn't afford to buy our clothes." He interrupted.

"Rowan," Iris shook her head at her brother. "I loved the clothes that mother made for us."

"Sure, but didn't you think it got old when we were twelve, still wearing clothes that she "accidentally" made too small for us?" He walked over to get a drink.

"You're being very selfish." Iris shook her head and looked back at the magazines.

"No, I'm just trying to give the baby…help Celeste give the baby the best life she can." Rowan said.

"I need to get going, I'll call you tomorrow Celeste." Iris stood up to leave. "And I loved mother's clothes, even if they weren't the most stylish…that's what kept us grounded Rowan. What's the matter with you? Why are you acting this way?" She glared at her brother.

"I'm just trying to be smart, can't I help Celeste be smart while she's having children?"

"Mother and father were smart too, Rowe! They were smart to raise us the way they did."

"They didn't know what they were doing." Rowan mumbled into his cup.

"I don't think you know what you're doing!" She yelled, looking back at me. "Sorry Celeste." She slammed the door and I could hear her run down the steps.

"Rowan."

"No Celeste." He looked over at me, his lips beginning to turn slightly over into a frown.

"What, what is it?" I walked over to him.

"It's final." He looked up at me, tears filling his glassy eyes.

"What is?" I reached for his arm.

"My parents." His bottom lips trembled as he tried to look away.

"Oh Rowan." I wrapped my arms around him. He didn't return the affection just rested his chin on my shoulder, not moving or hardly breathing. I was waiting for him to begin to sob, but he was silent. I heard a noise and felt a movement as he slowly brought his arms around me and began to weep, releasing it into my arms. I moved over towards the couch and set him down, then I sat next to him. He laid his head in my lap, crying as I stroked his hair.

"My dad's permanently staying in England…can you believe it? They're not going to be living together ever again…they don't love each other…how could they form a family bond, make love and have five children and not love each other anymore…is it possible? He used to be in love with my mother's admiration for God but to think that he could let go of it and change his mind." He looked up at me, his bloodshot eyes red and inflamed from crying.

"I don't know." I stroked his cheek.

"I don't believe in it…I think they're in denial of what they really believe in," He reached for my arm and gripped it. "It won't happen to us, I promise." I leaned down and kissed him.

"I believe you."

"I love you." He began to sob, and then curled his head into my lap, resting it against my small stomach. "I love you so much."

.13.

It was December 1990 and the premiere of another one of his hard worked films. It seemed that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't be fully happy and as anxiously nervous as Rowan. He stumbled around his apartment when I walked in. He had asked me to pick up his suit for him so that he didn't have to go out. I didn't care that he asked me to run his errands for him.

"Here you go," I handed it to him then took a seat on the couch covered with random items of clothing.

"Thank you…" He ran around his apartment, franticly trying to make everything perfect.

"It's okay if the critics hate the movie, right?" He yelled from the bathroom.

I picked up a book and skimmed over the pages to see that it was music.

"Um, sure." I mumbled. I didn't mind his mess that devoured his room nor the small size of it. It nearly amused me and made me feel right at home. If it had been any different it wouldn't have been Rowan. I heard a knock at the door but I kept my position on the couch.

"Okay, Celeste…this is Ellen. Please," He looked at me, pathetically then opened the door.

"Hey." He kissed her quickly as she walked in, looking completely gorgeous. I looked down at my maternity shirt and my overall shorts.

"Who's this?" She whispered, as if I couldn't hear.

I sat up straighter, trying to come across as competition.

"This is my cousin, Celeste." He pointed towards me then rushed over to the kitchen.

"Why hello sweetie, are you coming to the premiere too?"

"No." I barely got out, the strength in my voice gone.

"Oh, that's too bad. I'm Ellen."

"Celeste." I held out my hand and shook hers.

"It's great to meet you." She sat down on a chair across from me as the awkward silence grew. "…So are you waiting for something or…"

"I was actually just delivering a message from my mother for his…you know, a cousin thing." I quickly made up, milking it for all it was worth. Rowan was not going to let this one down. I saw him peak his head outside of a door.

"Right…"

"Yeah, my mother wanted to remind his of the family picnic we're having tomorrow for lunch. You should come. I'm sure our parents wouldn't mind."

We both heard a loud noise in the bedroom and a yell from Rowan, assuring us he was fine.

"A picnic, how fun!"

I stood up, reaching for my light jacket.

"Um, do you mind if I ask you when you're due?"

"In two months." I rested my hands on my stomach.

"Who's the father?" She asked, then realizing she didn't think before she spoke she quickly looked away.

"Oh, he comes and goes. Sometimes he chooses to really go more then come…but that's fine with me, I think the flame in our fire was slowly burning."

Her face started to turn a shade of light pink, as I got completely explicit on my love life.

Rowan returned to the room dressed neatly in his suit, although anyone could tell from a mile away he didn't belong in one.

"Oh Rowan, you look amazing." Ellen stood up from her seat and kissed him patiently. "But you really should think about cleaning this place up." She laughed.

I turned towards the door.

"Celeste," He spoke up, pulling away from Ellen. "Tell you mother that the plans for tomorrow might not work out, I think I'm flying to LA after the premiere tonight in New York."

"Oh is that right?" I looked at him, shocked at his behavior.

"Yeah, yeah it is…and tell her that my family won't be able to make it because my mother is still really angry with the way she treated her when they had guests a few nights ago."

"Well if I remember correctly, dear cousin, it was your family who decided to invite the guests when your mother knew very well that they had family secrets to discuss."

Ellen's face was beginning to look uncomfortable and out of place. I was glad, I hoped she began to feel so awkward that she just had to leave.

"Well, I think that family secrets can wait when it's a matter of being polite and kind. Wouldn't you think?"

"Not when it comes to our family, Rowan. You know the way we are." With that, I swung open the door and slammed it. I heard discussion as Rowan opened his door again and walked out.

"When's the plane?" I could hear Ellen ask

"It leaves in about an hour." Rowan responded.

I couldn't control the tears that formed against my eyes as I kept my pace walking down the sidewalk as they walked a bit behind me to Rowan's car. I let tears fall freely against my cheeks when I reached the corner looking down at the long walk home. All I could think about was the fact that this might be the last time I ever see Rowan, and I wasn't sure how I, or the baby that was growing inside of me, would handle that.

I heard the phone ringing as I tried to force my key into my door.

"Hello?" I rushed over the phone and picked it up, eager to hear Rowan's voice.

"Celeste? This is Iris."

I sighed.

"Iris." I replied, I rested up against the couch and tried to make myself stop crying.

"Hey, I was looking through our books here at home and I found this baby name book…we have a couple different ones, do you mind if I bring them over? We can look at them…mom also made a new dish, I'm sure she'd like to get your opinion on how it tastes."

"Oh…okay. That sounds good." I tried to stop sobbing.

"Celeste? Are you okay?"

"Uh-huh." I mumbled.

"I'm leaving right now, okay? I'll be over there as soon as I can." She hung up the phone after that and the next thing I knew she was pounding on my door. I didn't want to get it, didn't want to move, I was so scared.

The door opened slowly and she walked in, setting down the books.

"What happened?" She asked, walking over to me.

I shook my head, pushing every question away.

"Is it Rowan?" She reached for a light blanket.

My bottom lip quivered, I smoothed my stomach gently with the bottom of my hand.

"Sometimes people make mistakes, Celeste. Mistakes that they only wish they could revoke, but they can't. Don't let his mistakes drown you, Celeste. You can hang on, you can pull through." She gently stroked my arm, wiping my tears off of my cheeks and whispering things through her British accent.

"I'm trying so hard." I was shaking as I sobbed. I wasn't sure why, but no matter how hard I tried to tell myself otherwise, I really thought I lost him. "I care about friendships, Iris…like you. If I thought you hated me, it would kill me, no? It gets so hard."

"I know, I know…but sometimes you have to try until it hurts."

I looked up at her and smiled, giving her a long hug. If I hadn't been so in love with Rowan, I would have spent those next few hours telling her everything, every joke and smile and every escape we'd had to make to stay out of the media completely, I knew I couldn't tell her though.

"Now, do you want to try the food my mother made, or do you want to look at the books?" She asked, her arm still wrapped around me.

"I am a little hungry." I itched at my stomach

"Good, come on." She urged me towards the table as she brought over the books and opened the tiny container of food.

We dissected the books as she gave her opinion and I wrote the ones I liked the best on a pad of paper.

I nibbled on a straw out of my cup and then ran my fingers down the list of names.

"Celeste." She said it slowly.

"Hmm?" I replied.

"Um…do you want something to eat?" She stood up.

I knew that wasn't her first question, but I shrugged.

"Sure."

"Good." She mumbled a few things on her way to the refrigerator, opening it.

"Who brought the bread?"

My stomach flipped.

"I did."

"For yourself?" She turned around, laughing.

"I crave banana bread…someone told me that you get the cravings when you're…when you're pregnant." I quickly made up.

"Oh yeah…right…" She then reached in the freezer for the ice cream.

Pulling it out she set it on the counter and proceeded to cut up carrots and celery.

"Do you need help with your laundry, Celeste?" She asked.

I shrugged.

"Not really."

"We can fold it while we're looking." She licked her fingers.

"Okay." I nodded my head, without thinking.

She walked across the room and picked up the basket of clean clothes and brought it over to the table, releasing them onto it.

"So have you found any that you like?" She asked, picking up a shirt.

"Um, not yet." I mumbled.

"Celeste." Iris said, almost scared. I looked up to see her holding Rowan's jacket, his gray one that had smelled so much like marijuana I had told him I would wash it for him.

"Oh, he must have left it here." I shrugged, silently praying that she would forget about it.

"And these?" She picked up a pair of white underwear, also Rowans.

"How about we just not do laundry?" I replied, and with a swipe of my hand sending all of the clothes to the floor.

"You don't have to explain, Celeste." Iris said, trying to hold in her laughter.

"What is so funny about this?" I asked after a few minutes of her giggling to herself.

"Nothing---really nothing."

"Tell me." I pressed my hands on the table.

She immediately stopped.

"I never thought Rowan would be able to pull it off…I really didn't. He's an amazing person, Celeste." Iris replied placidly and sincerely.

"Pull it off…you make it sound like he—he didn't…did he?"

"Did what?" She relaxed, swinging her arm over the chair.

"Nothing."

"Told me?" She asked.

I looked up at her, my eyes almost scared.

"No. We guessed. All of us, everyone but mother and that's just because to her Rowan is perfect." She laughed.

"You…you all guessed."

"Well, Yorke came up with it first…and then told me. You guys are so…exceptional…matchless. This life you live with Rowe, it isn't like anything else. Do you realize what you have with him? You have…this fantasy…an aspired dream that so many hope for. You are living a reverie and it's priceless. When everything is said and done, you'll be the one he yearns for."

"You think so?" I don't bother to tell her if it's true or not, or even try to deny it, I just looked at her.

"I'm positive. He doesn't love many people, he may lead people to think he does, but he doesn't. He cares for people. That's what Rowan does. He cares, he cares for everyone and everything. The most compassionate and kind man I know, but he doesn't love everyone. But he loves you, that's obvious."

I smiled, trying to stop the tears that slipped down my cheek.

"I didn't mean to make you cry."

"You didn't. Thank you Iris." I smiled, resting my hand on her arm.

"He'll call, Celeste. I promise."

I hoped she was right. I just smiled and went to cleaning up.

"I just had an idea." Iris slammed her hands on the table and then spun around in her chair. "What would you think about having the baby at home?"

"You mean giving birth, here?" I was shocked.

"Yes, my mother had all of us at home. She could come here and be your midwife. She knows everything there is to know. She helped deliver babies in Costa Rica when she was a missionary. Also that way, the media won't have to be involved at all."

I smiled, I knew that Rowan wouldn't be up to it, but I didn't care. Whether or not Rowan returned I was having this baby and whether or not Rowan wanted it to happen, his family was going to be there when I did. At that moment the only thing I was sure of was that I couldn't do this on my own.

"Your mother was a missionary? What do they do?" I began to pick the clothes off of the floor and fold them.

"She's very passionate about it, you should ask her sometime. She would…what we call witness to others about God and the Bible. She did it until Chloe was about two than we moved here. We were very poor and she felt that we weren't being supported properly. We had no money and no place to live. My mother strongly feels that God kept us safe, but His plan was for something different besides mission work. That's why we believe He led us to acting." Iris followed my lead and helped with laundry.

"I had no idea. I didn't even realize that people did that." I mumbled.

"We've all drifted, but not my mother. She's a very sincere and devoted person. She trusts in God through out everything. I think though, personally, that she's bitter that He made our family suffer when we were overseas."

"And your father?" I asked trying to sneak it in without her finding offence.

"My father drifted the farthest and has a hard time putting up with my mother's love for the whole Bible thing. He found that he truly loved the part of the world that my mother truly regrets." Iris stopped folding and looked at me.

"What about your family, Celeste?"

"What about them?" I tried to laugh it off, throwing the folded clothes back in the basket.

"Why don't you talk to them?" She stopped as well and leaned back.

"I don't know." I shrugged, resting my hand against my bulging belly.

"Cel," Iris put out her hands. "Talk to me." She leaned forward against the table.

"My father is very into his culture. He lived in France until he met my mother while she was studying abroad. They married and returned to Maine. He's stubborn, ya know? A devoted Frenchman and he refused to live any further into the states then Maine. He said he felt closer to France. But anyway, he was un-loyal to my mom…my brother has mental disabilities and was a constant burden for my father." I stopped briefly.

"Why did you leave?" She asked, slowly and softly.

"Because…I needed to find myself. I needed to let go of my parents and their constant struggle of marriage. I had to let go of my brother and how protective I was of him. I needed to be on my own. Besides all of that, my father never thought I could do anything with my life." It was quiet as I stared at my stomach. "Maybe he was right." I mumbled.

"Why would you say that?" She asked, shaking her head in a disgusted way. "You have become this amazing and powerful woman, Celeste. Your family would be so proud."

"I haven't." I shook my head, biting my lip so that I wouldn't cry.

"I think you have." She told me, crossing her arms. "If you don't believe me you can ask Rowan. He thinks the world of you."

I felt myself smile.

"I would never tell my father all that I've done. He doesn't deserve to know." I sighed and stood up, carrying my dish over to the sink.

"Do you think you'd be up to the home birth?" She changed the subject and gathered the books.

"Maybe, I'll have to think about it."

"Okay, well do that…I'm going to go…I have a date tonight."

"With who?" I asked excitedly.

"No one special…just a guy I met." She shrugged, slipping her purse over her shoulder. There was a pause and a moment of silence. "But you…you Celeste. You have someone special."

I shrugged.

"Thanks for everything, Iris." I yelled over my shoulder.

"Anytime. Oh and Celeste…I'm not sure what you want to name your child…but I think you need to name it something that describes you and Rowe and what the baby means to you. Make it something with a meaning behind it."

"I will." I smiled back.

.14.

I didn't do much for the next couple weeks, I continued to make up lists for the baby and sometimes I would catch myself going to the theater and watching Rowan's movie. Girls went crazy at the theater, even standing in line for their ticket. I couldn't count how many times they told me that they heard that Rowan lived in Gainesville. I shook my head with a smile on my face. They rolled their eyes and went on their way.

I sat in the back row watching him star on screen with a fellow actress and the only thing that continuously flew through my mind was if he seemed this wonderful on screen then why wasn't he wonderful at home? Yet at the same time, he was a complete different person in the film then he was in our one room apartment. This was the Rowan that I remember rolling on the floor in laughter with me, or chasing me up the stairs. It seemed like ever since I had carried this burden in my stomach his opinion of me had changed, his love for me had changed. I hated that realization. Maybe everything I read was right, maybe pregnancy does ruin the relationship. But if Iris was right, if she knew what she was talking about then the only way Rowe would pull away was because he was scared. I'm not exactly sure what he would be scared of, but there could be something.

When the movie was done, I stood up to leave before everyone else. Walking the short distance from the theater to my apartment I found something in front of my door. Climbing up the stairs, reaching for breath, I picked up the tiny box and opened it to see a piece of banana bread sitting in it. I closed it, my expression not changing, and opened the door. I knew what the bread meant; I knew that he must have had a hard day like he normally did. I could picture it so clearly. Ellen had been busy, something had kept her out late and he was upset. He had gotten loaded and bought the bread and then made his way down the street debating on whether or not to eat the bread, he decided not to and to left it at my house like he normally did.

I walked back out of my apartment and headed to Jake's, not stopping until the door swung open and he guided me to the back table, helping me sit down.

"What's wrong, blessing? You look upset." He slid in next to me, bringing out a container full of clean napkins to fold.

"I'm fine." I smiled.

"Where's Rowe tonight?" He looked above his glasses.

"Around, I think…keeping himself busy." I mumbled.

He nodded, unsure of whether or not to further the question.

"Are you saying that from a knowledge or from an observation?" He asked.

I shrugged.

"I'm scared, you know…what if he's not there when the baby's born…I need my best friend there when that happens."

"Ah, I see…I know Rowe pretty well and I know he can be quite the bottom of all bottoms, but deep down he's true, a little unwise on his decisions, but he's true. Your friend, Rowe, will pull through, heavenly. I promise you that."

"I hope so." I sniffed.

"What are you plans for the holidays?" He asked.

I picked up a napkin and folded it.

"I'm not sure yet, Iris asked me to spend it with her family, but I told her I wasn't sure if I could do it." I shrugged.

"Hasn't the Hawke family become like your own?"

"To an extent…I love them all…especially Iris. She and I have become real close. But you Jake, you have been like a father to me." I patted his hand.

"Oh, no…no…that responsibility is too great and I do not deserve it. You are heavenly, child, you are a blessing from above, one that I only wish I could call my own." He replied. "I wanted a daughter…" He paused. "My wife disagreed…the only thing I ever wanted was to pass on my kindness to a little bundle of joy. To show her and grow her to be loving towards others so that the kindness would be passed on."

"I'm sorry." I could feel the tears itching the back of my throat.

"But since I've met you, I've realized that I don't need to deliver a daughter to share my kindness…I just have to be aware and the heavenly blessing will come to me…that's what you are to me, Celeste." He swallowed, composing his trembling voice. "I do not deserve you."

"Maybe you deserve me, Jake…all I ever wanted was for my father to love me…you have shown your kindness to me by giving me the only thing I ever wanted…to be loved." My voice broke as I freely let the tears slip down my cheeks. "And in return I have tried my very best to show my love to others…" I looked down at my stomach and slowly wiped my hand across it.

"Ah, young one. You are quite the blessing that I never thought I would receive." He moved next to me and wrapped his arm around me, kissing my forehead. "I thank God for you." He whispered.

Jake was all I ever wanted in a father, and looking back now he was the only one I can consider as one. I can recall one particular instance when I regret my real father the most.

"Celestine, do you not come when I call?" My father poked his head in the doorway as I put on my nightgown.

"Papa', I heard you but I was getting ready to go to bed."  
"Bed can wait, did I tell you of all the things that went wrong today? First you do not obey when I tell you to clean up your bedroom, then you disobey when I tell you to clean up after your brother and now you do not come when I call. Do you resent me, Celestine?" My father had a thick French accent and a large stomach to go with it. I feared him more then anyone else, and yet he had given me no reason to do so. It was the idea of my father that I was scared of, the idea of not being able to trust a person you love that much. I could never trust my father, no one in my family could.

"No papa'." I spoke softly and then set the hairbrush against the vanity. "I have to go and kiss mama' and Luke goodnight." I walked towards him and then stopped, as I knew he was expecting a hug or something along those lines. I inched past him towards my brother's room.

"Goodnight Lukie," I walked in and kissed his cheek, as any nine-year-old sister would do to her younger brother.

"Goodnight Celeste." He mumbled and turned on his side. My mama' appeared in the doorway and waited for me to leave so that she could kiss her son. I waited for her outside of his room so she could walk me to mine, a nightly ritual. My papa' was still standing where I had left him when I returned to my room, my mama' at my heals.

My mama' walked past my papa' as well, in an effort to ignore him.

"What is this? Am I not noble enough for my own family to talk to me?" My papa's loud bass voice filled my room.

"We are speaking to you, Ralph, we are just lacking in the response from yourself."

"I am responding!" His voice continued.

"Not out of love, Ralph, you have forgotten how to talk through love."  
"Do not tell me what I have and have not forgotten woman! I have not forgotten how to love, I have only forgotten how to love you because I gave up trying years ago!" He yelled and stormed down the hall. I raced towards my mama' and threw my arms around her waist, my cheek resting against her chest as the breath moved rapidly through her. I felt her crying as tears slipped down her cheeks and against mine. I wanted to ask for her forgiveness on his behalf, for if it was one thing my mama' never lacked, it was love.

.15.

I returned home early from work one night, stumbling up the steps I tried to walk with the large bundle I carried in front. I opened my door to a dark room, surprisingly; I thought I had turned on the lights before I left.

"Surprise!" Everyone wailed, throwing on the lights and tossing confetti and making noises.

"It's a baby shower." Cloe exclaimed just in case I didn't understand.

I smiled, nearly collapsing with astonishment. Iris collected me in a hug and then put her arm around me, supporting my weight. It wasn't until she released me in a chair that I realized all of the weight I was baring on her.

"We made food and decorated your apartment, hope you don't mind." Cloe continued, gathering the presents.

"I wasn't sure what time you would return from work, so we've been here for a while." Iris laughed.

"Thank you." I mouthed.

She nodded and rested her hand on my arm.

"We weren't sure if you would like the vegetarian food I prepared so we also brought a few other dishes, I hope that is alright." Oella turned around and looked at me at the table.

"It's wonderful, thank you." I replied.

"Look at you…you're just a walking smile." She walked over to me and hugged me, pressing my head against her stomach.

Cloe began to set the table, making her way around the small thing.

"Have you decided what you're going to name the baby?" She asked.

"Not yet, Iris and I are still working on it." I winked at her. "Do you have any ideas?" I asked.

I wanted to stand and help Iris and Oella, but my legs still felt wobbly. I quickly glanced around the room without thinking, looking for Rowan. Cloe reminded me so much of him.

"I love the name Bear…bears are amazing creatures …wouldn't that name be interesting?" She asked.

"Yeah, I like that." I smiled.

"Thank you." She responded proudly.

"A name with meaning is very important. It gives the child something to rely and stand firm upon. A name with an easy nickname also seems important." Oella explained while putting dishes on the table.

Yorke approached the table and sat down next to me.

"Where's Rowan?" Oella suddenly asked. I felt Iris put her hand on my shoulder as Yorke fumbled with something in his hands.

"Out." He said before anyone could reply. "He said he had a few things to finish and he'd come if he could…he's probably really held up." My eyes didn't leave Yorke as I searched for a reason as to why he did that. He didn't know the truth and he had lied. He had lied for his drug-addicted brother who no matter to what limit, he would unconditionally love.

"Who's hungry?" Oella smiled warmly.

We began to eat shortly after that, devouring the delicious vegetarian food.

"Have you and Iris decided on what you are going to do about baby clothes?" Oella asked, taking a bite of her food.

"Mm." I wiped my mouth. "We were thinking making some of them and buying a few sheets and other baby necessities."

"Great…if you need any help I'd love to lend my hand in sewing, though I haven't done it in quite a while." She spooned the food onto her fork and placed it into her mouth.

"I heard you were quite the clothes maker." I grinned. "Tell me Oella, about your missionary time? Iris told me briefly, but I never sensed that was what you did." I strived for conversation.

"It wasn't anything that I greatly accomplished. I planned to serve God and I felt that He was calling me to the mission field over in Costa Rica. Their father agreed and we left, a little after Iris was born. It was quite an experience and I felt God work in me with more ways then one, but when things got terribly hard I found the only thing I could do was trust in Him, I felt Him calling me back to the United States. There, He provided jobs for not only me, but my children, and He was such an amazing God that once again he was gracious and blessed me with not only one talented child, but four that would enjoy and devour the acting field."

"That's amazing." I said politely. I hadn't heard anything as a child about God or any of his "gracious doings" as Oella seemed to be expressing them as.

"Yes, it is. But sometimes I'm not sure what He's doing. I feel sometimes that I was betrayed when he put us through those hard times in Costa Rica. Missionaries do not ask for things like that, and in doing God's will I never thought that he would put us through such a thing." It was quiet again as everyone ate. Iris leaned over slowly.

"Told you she'd talk." She grinned.

"Celeste, forgive me if this question is rude, but is the father going to be living here with you?" Cloe asked sensing a free moment.

The majority of the eyes continued eating casually except for Iris', who gave her sister a bit of a discerning look. Cloe's eyes fell to the tablecloth.

"Not right now, Cloe. Maybe someday, but as of now I don't think he's interested."

"Besides, that's why we're here." Yorke looked over at me and smiled.

"Exactly, and wherever the Hawke family is, a party isn't far behind!" Iris laughed, loudly.

"And parties mean presents." Cloe added, a smile forming on her face again.

"And presents are for after the dessert." Oella added in.

An hour later we sat around my couch, tearing open each present that Cloe would hand to me. Many were homemade, beautiful clothing or toys for the baby. I had almost everything I needed and I didn't even want to imagine the amount of money for it all. We began to clean up, putting the wrapping paper in a bag while Oella and Yorke worked on something in the corner.

"We have one more present." She spoke up. I collapsed back on the couch, rubbing my stomach gently. "Dear, sweet Celeste, my one true wish was to give you Rowan's crib from when he was a child, but of course that was probably used as firewood by now. However, we felt that a crib would be too large to keep your tender child inside so we went with a small bassinette so that you may watch your child from your bedside. I'm not sure who the father of your child is, but God knows and that's what matters. Remember, you have the best of that man right there and no matter what happens, the baby will always be there for you." I began to stand up but couldn't control my emotion. To this day I haven't forgotten what Oella had said. I would always have the best of Rowan, no matter where he was or what happened in the future. His child would always be the best of him and I would have the opportunity to raise him. I stood and walked over to her and releasing all emotion in her arms, hugging her.

"Thank you." I whispered.

"We love you Celeste, just remember to give this child a name with pride and life. A name that represents something, something with hope and the acknowledgment that he truly is a gift from God." She hugged me tighter then released me. I walked over to Yorke and gave him a hug.

"You're so strong to be doing this, Celeste. Really." He whispered.

I smiled, wiping at my cheeks.

"Thank you." I sniffed.

Oella and the younger two left a half hour later while Yorke and Iris stayed to talk into the night. Iris's head rested next to my leg as I played with her hair, pulling out the dark ringlets. Yorke sat next to me, asking me small questions.

"Do you have family?" He asked, eating peanuts.

"Yes, somewhere." I sighed. "Its days like these that I miss them…I would give anything to spend as much time with them as you do."

"Why don't you?" He asked.

"My parents are on different sides…but it's my brother. His name's Luke and he was born with mental disabilities…I watched him grow…spent the time with him that my father refused to. I loved him more then anything but I know that if I were to be in contact with him I would be forced to be in contact with my parents and I don't want that." I explained.

"I bet it's hard." He pulled away a bit.

"Yeah, it is." I mumbled.

"Rowan won't be gone forever, Celeste." He spoke up.

I raised an eyebrow, unsure of how to respond.

"There's no way he can forget about you." He looked away with a smirk on his face.

"Yorke, Rowan and I don-"

"No…I don't want to hear it," He chuckled. "I don't want an explanation, a story, the truth…anything. That's between you and Rowan."

I looked down at Iris who slept peacefully.

"Rowan's my best friend…" Yorke began. "He always has been…but I feel like I'm losing touch with him. You know? He used to listen to me…even if it wasn't very important or if it didn't make any sense, he cared to listen. Now, it feels as if on purpose he avoids me. I miss him…I miss the brother that I used to look up to so much because I don't look up to him anymore. He says that father pushed him into acting but that's just an excuse. A sorry excuse for the life he's living." Yorke rambled off, frustrated.

"I know how hard it must be to love Rowan through all of this," I nodded understandingly. "But the only way to get through something like this is to be strong for them…be strong for Rowe, Yorke…he'll always love you no matter what, but if you push him away he'll be alone. We need to be strong for him, be strong for me…that's the only way we'll make it."

He shook his head.

"It surprises me how much you care about him, Celeste. Where is he? Do you have any idea? Honestly?" He dropped his arms in his lap.

"At Ellen's." I muttered, looking away.

"How can you support that?" He leaned forward widening his eyes.

"I love him." I shrugged. "I support him, and that's what matters."

"Rowan is one of the most caring people I know." He stopped, trying to make his voice stay steady. "He is genuinely kind. But he's confused right now." He stopped again and fidgeted, touching the fabric on the end of his shirt. "He has a lot to think about and…I don't want him to lose touch with you too." He finally looked over at me, his eyes turning almost a light pink from holding in his tears.

I shook my head, agreeing with him and then pulled him into my grasp.

"Thank you." I whispered.

He pulled away and wiped at his eyes, standing up.

"I better go." He muttered.

"Just spend the night here, I'll make a bed for you on the couch." I rambled, standing up and gently shaking Iris.

Once Yorke was settled and Iris lay next to me I tried to comprehend all that Yorke had told me that night. Obviously he knew about Rowan and I, but I wasn't sure how much he knew or how much he wanted to know. He cared and I knew that from then on I could always count on Yorke to care about my well-being. The conversation that night was to form a life long friendship with someone I still try to talk to often. He's intelligent and that's one thing I learned about the Hawke children, they're extremely intelligent.

I didn't sleep much that night and it wasn't until about nine that I got out of bed and began to get myself a bowl of cereal. I sat at the table trying to eat as silently as possible until I heard a knock at the door. I stopped eating and looked up. It came again, this time harder. I walked slowly over to the door and opened it a crack.

"What are you…doing here?" I asked.

He looked up at me, his lips tightly pressed together. He shook his head as if to open his eyes.

"I missed you." He whispered.

I slowly opened the door as Yorke sat up on the couch, looking at us.

"What…why is he here?" Rowan pointed to the couch. Iris rushed into the kitchen area, pulling her hair up. "And my sister…what are you guys doing?"

"There was a baby shower." Iris looked at him.

"Baby…shower." Rowan was completely lost.

Yorke was folding the blankets by the couch. He ran a hand through his short dark hair and then walked over near us, handing me the blankets.

"We better go." He reached for the door.

"Yeah." Rowan watched them both leave still confused.

"I missed you." He repeated and reached for me.

I pulled away and walked over to the couch.

"Didn't you miss me? I mean, I haven't been here for a while, is there anything you want to say?" He was rambling and from the smell of his breath obviously drunk. I had no idea if he was loaded or what was going through his mind but I listened and didn't say a word. "I came here last night thinking you would want me to return and you could care less. You don't care about me. I'm in love with you, Celeste. Are you hearing me?"

"Rowan, why are you here?" I looked at him forcing myself not to cry.

"Because I love you! Damnit, I just told you I'm in love with you, can't you hear?" He put his hands on his head, frustrated.

"I don't want to see you like this." I closed my eyes trying to block him out.

"Why not, Celeste! Huh? Tell me why! Why can't you love me anymore? Do I have to get on my knees and beg for you to love me? Here I am Celeste! Love me!" He crawled across the floor towards me, screaming and crying.

It was quiet as we both cried, the only sound were the extended sobs.

"You need help." I barely got out.

He brought his head up from the couch, looking at me his eyes sunken and sleep deprived. His bottom lip trembled as he tried to speak. Deciding not to, he just shook his head.

"I'm the father of your child, Celeste! The least you could do is look at me!" He said, gritting his teeth through his words.

"Get out." I whispered, my face pressed against my hands trying to control my tears.

"Please don't make me go." He begged, reaching for my arm. I quickly pulled away tearing another piece of me.

"Just go, please, don't make this any harder." I brought my face from my hands. "I'll be waiting here until you get help." I sighed.

He stood up, wiping his nose with the back of his hand. Preparing to say something else he turned to leave and walked out of the door.

I lost all emotion in me and broke into sobs on the couch. I didn't realize then but in the next year Rowan would tear me apart and permanently damage me emotionally.

.16.

I slept the rest of the day and didn't wake up until around eight the next morning. My legs were still shaking when I rolled out of bed. I made myself pancakes and ate them slowly at the table by myself. Deciding to try and paint I worked on a new canvas. I cascaded the colors together forming an object in the middle. Mixing two bright colors into the box I painted dull, fall colors around the outside. When I was done I realized how much the small object in the middle stuck out. It was beautiful, a painting saying a million words. I'm sure within the next few months I would trash it, but at that moment I saw the object in the middle as Rowan and I's affection for each other and the dull colors cascading the outside of the object were everyone else around us, the world that we wanted to escape from so often. The worlds that we hated and dreaded, but inside that object was our world. The world where it only consisted of he and I and we were in love and the only thing that mattered were each other. I treasured that world that we shared and I never wanted anyone to break it.

I traveled to Jake's for breakfast, stopping to see if Rowe was practicing anywhere with his band. I didn't see his car so I figured he had left town again. Walking into the restaurant I slid into our usual booth.

"Good morning sunshine." Jake hollered from across the room. I glanced in the corner to see the stage that I had experienced seeing Rowe for the first time. He had been strumming his guitar, beautifully, pulling me into his world. I was confused as to how I fell out of it so easily.

Jake sat down in front of me and slid over a plate of fruit and bread.

"Rowan was here." He glanced around the room. "He had to record a charity album with his band. Iris Hawke went too…is that a good thing?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.

I shrugged.

"Could be." I sighed.

"Give him time, sweet one. He will return in due time." He patted my arm and then stood up to help another costumer.

Time. I hated even thinking of the word. When it all boiled down to it, I couldn't throw time around for anything. I wanted to be assured he would get help so that he and I could share our life together.

I walked the short distance to my apartment and walked across the room to the small bassinette, the cloth that hung above it looked freshly ironed. I stroked the soft blanket on the mattress longing to see my baby resting safely against it.

I went to work early that night, struggling to make it through my schedule. My back was beginning to ache in the middle forcing all of my muscles to strain.

"You can go ahead and leave Miss Doisneau. It's late." My boss glanced at his watch.

"Thank you." I brushed my hair away from my face.

"When's your baby due?" He asked.

"About a month." I rested my fingers on the baby, then against my painful back.

"You know, maybe it's not such a good idea that you continue working here. I need someone I can depend on…I think I'm going to have to let you go." He tried to sound considerate or reasonable. So much anger flooded over me.

"But I need this job…I've been working here for over ninety days." I assured him.

"Sure, Celeste, but a janitor is something I really need and I can't wait the two months that you get off for maternity leave. You understand, right? Maybe once your baby is born you can come back and we'll hire you again, okay? We'll see." He patted my arm like an adult pats a child's head.

"No, you can't fire me. I can't let you fire me, please." I begged taking a hold of his shirt.

"Listen girl, I don't know your story or what you're like so I can't give you much pity. Just go on out of here and we'll talk after you have your baby. I'm sorry, but you're going to need to leave now." He motioned me towards the door.

"I have worked my ass off at this job and I hardly get paid enough to support myself! You're a worthless man running a worthless museum that people hate! Do you hear me? They hate it!" I was screaming at him as he pushed me towards the door opening it and forcing me out of it, shoving me out of the door.

"Don't bother coming back, you whore!" He yelled then locked the door.

Slamming my wrists on the glass I hit it several times, trying to get his attention.

"Open up!" I screamed then began rambling things in French.

After a few minutes I began to feel the chilly breeze that hit my cheeks turning them a light shade of red. I wrapped my arms around myself trying to get warm. I was now out of a job and out of a man to be by my side when my baby was born.

I walked around Gainesville; desperately trying to figure out what job I would work for. I had hardly enough money to pay for rent, food, and preparation for my baby. It was times like these that I would snuggle with Rowe and I would find a hundred dollar in my wallet with a note the next day. Iris was out of town with Rowan and I had already visited Jake once that day. My only option left was to return to my apartment and wait. Wait for a sign of truth and realization that I'm living a fake life and that I need to wake up and return to where my family will support me.

It was days like these when I made sure to tell my forming child about the cold and harsh world that we were involved in so that when reality was truly formed, it wouldn't be too hard. Despite what I had hoped, I treated motherhood just like any other human being and told only what could get us by.

"Mom," I felt something nudge themselves between my legs and then smile proudly once he had gotten my attention.

"I asked you to please not do that." I stopped painting and looked at the six year old who studied my drawing.

"It looks nice." He mumbled, his horse voice and lisp barely making his sentence audible. "But what is it?"

"What is it? What do you mean, what is it?" I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled his cheek close to my lips. "It's the ocean."

"It doesn't look like the ocean." He itched at his nose as he swayed back and forth, trying to look at it in an angle that it would appear as an ocean. "Momma, I have a question." He turned around and put his hands against my cheeks in an effort to keep my glance focused on him.

"And what is that?" I tried to look behind him at the work but he continued to squeeze his small hands against my cheeks.

"If sand is in the ocean then why is the ocean blue and the sand yellow?"

"Because water covers the sand." I looked at him and then leaned forward to peck his nose.

"But then why does the sand stop?"

"It doesn't, it's underneath the water." He seemed satisfied with that answer, his hands still clasped to my cheeks he looked past me and towards the kitchen.

"Well then what makes the grass green?" He continued to keep a hand against my cheek as he turned towards the painting.

"Green paint." I whispered with a grin and pecked his cheek.

"Does blue paint make the sky blue?" He asked, standing between my legs.

"No, because the birds are different colors and so are the clouds. Each was painted at a different moment." I picked up the brush and began to add clouds to my painting.

"How old were you when I was born?" He looked back at me, tightening his grip. I then realized how I had been putting him off due to my painting. I released his grip from my face and turned him around so he was sitting on my lap.

"Older then you."  
"But how old?" He asked, his voice cracking.

"Um, let's see…twenty?" I tried to avoid a real answer and another question.

"What was it like?"

"Life, we can talk about this later? Do you want to go to the beach?"

"Do I?" He sat up and ran past me as I heard his small feet clap against the hard wood floor and his bedroom door open and shut.

I looked back at the painting and began to wonder if I would ever finish it and when I did if I would sell it. I feared that I had lost my talent four years ago, along with so many other things.

I dialed the number for the third time and then waited until I heard a voice answer. I decided to let it ring until someone picked up.

"Hello?" The voice asked.

I drew my hand to my mouth as I trembled with tears.

"Hello-ah, is anyone there?" He asked into the phone again.

"Hi Lucas." I whispered.

"Who is this?" He asked, concerned, his voice becoming serious.

"I miss you, I love you Lukie." I barely got out.

He was silent, I was almost sure he knew it was me.

"Tell momma and poppa I'm okay. I miss you. I wish I could be with you forever and ever, really I do. Je vous manquerai à jamais, Je amour vous. Mon potite sheri." I then hung up the phone bursting into sobs. The precious sound of his tiny voice, a four-year-old living in a seventeen year olds body tore my insides until I began to feel them hurt. I missed him and at that moment I wanted to hold him and hush him while he cried, scared for the sound of my voice from my deceiving phone call.

I left my apartment, my petite body beginning to feel overwhelmed from my stomach. I went to the park and sat on a bench, resting my feet I let the cool breeze from the late January weather as it dried my moist cheeks. A man walked past me, pushing a stroller as his daughter pleaded to play on the swings. With the twist of his hand, he turned the stroller around and looked at his daughter, bringing her cheek to his lips and then pulled her out of her seat, setting her gently on the ground as she waddled over to the swing, motioning towards the seat. He rushed over to her and helped her into it, then going behind her he swung her, letting his movements control her, allowing her to go as high as he wanted, to sour into the atmosphere until he wanted her back to hold and treasure. I felt the baby kick as I stroked my stomach, realizing that was how I felt with Rowan. When I was with him he was leading me into an endless bliss of love. By the palm of his hand resting on my bare back I felt free, freer then I had ever felt in my life. For an instant, I realized how I didn't enjoy that, living the life of the child, Rowan pushing me only as high as he wanted for I wanted to be free. I loved Rowan, as I always would, but I needed to fly on my own and one day that child in the swing would learn to push herself, flying higher then she did when her father pushed her and that was the step that I found I needed to take also. I needed to learn to fly without the help of Rowe's wings.

I stood up and balanced myself against the bench, then walking slowly to the sidewalk I glanced both ways and walked the distance to my apartment. I planned what I would say to Rowan, how I would explain my reasoning, and what plans would be made when the baby was born. He would return later tomorrow and in a way I wanted to tell him of my discovery, hopefully he would agree, be in need of the same thing.

.17.

I sat in the bathtub, a leg slung over the side while I read the Vegetarian magazine that Oella had given me a few days earlier. I was reading a part on healthy diets for expecting mothers, Oella's blue pen circling the article. I set the magazine down, bringing a Pregnancy magazine up to my grasp and read the section of how to get to you know your baby before the birth looking at the pictures while trying to mirror them to my own body. I heard a door open and close as I nearly dropped the magazine in the water. I rested my fingers against the tile of the tub.

"Celeste." A voice said from the doorway.

I strained my neck to look past the kitchen table that sat in my view of the door.

"I'm in here."

He walked to the doorway, looking forgotten, his hair sticking up in the front he pressed it down with the swipe of his hand. He sniffed, holding up a small flower and then looked up at me, avoiding my eyes.

"Okay." His bottom lip was trembling.

I looked confused.

"I…I talked to my publicist…she's going to set up a meeting." He mumbled, his accent making it nearly incoherent as he scratched his eye with his wrist. He left it there, and looked over at me frowning a bit. "I'm not lying to you, Celeste." He whispered.

I nodded.

"Rowe, I meant that-"

"No, Celeste." He pulled his hand away from his face and continued to mutter. "Ya know, maybe I do have…a problem…something that I can easily take care of, but hell, can't you love me anyway?" He looked up at me his bottom lip quivering as he stopped fidgeting.

"There's nothing you can do to make me stop." I smiled as he walked over to the tub and kneeled in front of it, I dipped my hand in the soapy water and dabbed his hair with the tips of my fingers. He slowly leaned in, moving towards my lips but then kissing my forehead gently. His lips moved to my cheek and gently nudged his nose against mine, smiling a bit. He kissed me as I wrapped my dripping arms around him. He maneuvered so that his jacket slipped to the floor, continuing to kiss me until he had to pull his pants off, leaving on only his underwear. He slid into the water in front of me, pressing his chest against my bulging stomach. He stroked it, kissed it as I swung my legs over the side of the tub to allow him more room.

"Don't ever do that to me again, okay?" He leaned over and kissed me, moving my strands of hair away from my face.

"Do what?" I grinned, his lips directly in front of mine.

"Let go, even a little." He responded.

I pulled away, avoiding his lips.

"What?" He asked, reaching for my hand and slipping his fingers between mine.

"I need to talk to you about something." I stood up and got out of the bathtub, wrapping a towel around myself I heard him slide under water and then sit up, pushing his hair slickly back.

He joined me on the couch as I sat only in my bra and shorts, revealing my stomach. I rested my legs on the coffee table as he sat next to me in shorts, looking around the room he leaned towards me, his arm on the back of the couch.

"Now what was it?" He narrowed his eyes towards me.

"I love you." I said first.

He reached towards my cheek and grasped it with his hand, leaving it there and gently smoothing his thumb against the left side of my jaw.

"But I'm scared too, Rowe. I'm scared to love you because I'm afraid that if I love you too much then I'll never be able to stop. I need you always and I think about you…I even dream about you sometimes…but I need to know that if something happens, that if we decide that this isn't working or life is too important…I need to learn to fly." I quickly put my hand over his to assure him that I didn't want him to move it.

"I can help you." He quickly assured me.

I smiled.

"I know you can, but it's my turn to learn on my own. Rowan, you have clearly been doing this for a long time, but it's my turn. You understand, right?"

His eyes faded, looked down at my stomach.

"You're strong, Celee. You're the strongest person I know, you don't need me to pull you down from that…or tell you that you are. No matter where you go Celeste, I'll love you, I promise." He kissed me over and over.

I snuggled close to him.

"I just need you to support me Rowe. I need to know that I'll always have you as a friend, can you promise me that?" I asked.

"Yes, yes I can." He whispered in my ear, and then gently kissed it.

I snuggled against his neck, breathing softly on it. At that moment my future held only one thing and that was the child that I carried. I knew then that Rowe and I would never have the love and sexual desire we had for the past year, but a friendship that would forever carry us, to guide us.

But even throughout all of this I couldn't help but hear my father's thick voice balancing itself above my head in a scheming way, realizing that all along he knew my future before I had even fell into it.

"I am telling you this now, Celestine. You will live the rest of your life out of terrible discouragement and lack of achievements if you go and be someone who paints pointless paintings for pennies and dimes."  
"But no, papa'…they are paying more nowadays, especially here in America, I could sell a painting for hundreds of dollars if I desired to."

"Maybe, but you must have talent in order to do that."

"Which is something our daughter has." Mama' spoke up.

"How do you know? Do you watch her paint, Sara? Have you seen her artwork?"

"Have you, Ralph?" Mama' demanded.

"Do not take me for a fool! Of course I have!"

"Papa', please, it was just a silly idea. I won't say another word about it."  
"Fine, because you will never go, Celestine. You can never leave Maine without my consent."  
"Maybe they do that in France, papa', but we do not do it that way here."  
"Under my roof we do." His voice was steady, low and soft as his eyes set deep into mine.

I stormed from the table and rushed up to my room, slamming my door. I was seventeen years old and I felt as though for my parents to tell me what I could and could not do in a free country seemed ludicrous. I had to find my way into things, even if it was to go against my parent's wishes.

An hour later my mother knocked on the door. I invited her in as she sat against my bed.

"Your father may not be just, but he is your father, Celeste. You must obey him."  
"Mama', I long to be outside of Maine. He has lived in France and many other places besides that throughout his life, why would he deprive me of seeing new places for myself?" I began to feel tears forming out of anger.

"I can not tell you the answer to that Celeste, for I do not know. However I do believe that if you obey him it will help you in later years when you would have been alone." She leaned forward and put her arms around me.

"Do not hide behind, papa'. Is that what you thought when you married him?"

"Celeste, that is-"

"He's unfaithful and rude to you mama'." I pulled away and stood up, pacing my room.  
"I know little of his unfaithfulness and even if it occurs, and rudeness is just the French way of loving someone."  
"Did he tell you that too?" I scoffed and then turned away from her. "I will find my way out of this house, even if it's to another town. I cannot hide behind papa' because I do not agree with him. Maybe you should consider that as well." I spoke slowly.

I didn't hear her respond, just the slow motion of her walk to the door as she softly shut it.

"Want something to eat?" He said softly and then sat up, pushing his hair away from his face.

I nodded.

"Something good." I closed my eyes momentarily.

"You're so beautiful." I heard him mumble as he walked to the kitchen and opened a drawer. I opened one eye to see his actions, the movement of his hands and body so that I could record it and remember it forever.

He brought me an orange and sat next to me, his legs curled up in front of him he began to peal his, setting the skin on the table in front of us. His arms fell in between his legs resting next to his feet that stretched across the seat. I smiled to myself as I sat up, pealing my own orange.

"No, that was one was for me, this ones for you." He grunted a bit, trying to force the orange peal off of the fruit.

"Here let me do it," I giggled, reaching for it.

He pulled it away and shook his head.

"Just let me do this, Celee…I want to peal your orange!" He laughed as I leaned against him, playfully reaching for the orange.

"Rowan! Just give…me…the…orange." I attacked his side as he squirmed, hiding his laugh as he threw the orange across the room and then allowing my hands to tickle him. He sunk deep into the couch, trying his best to avoid my hands. I couldn't stop laughing as he fell onto the ground, then sat up, resting his arms on the couch.

"That was not fair." He muttered out of breath.

"You're a baby." I rolled my eyes, standing up.

"Yeah, well." He shook his head to move his strands of hair. "You still love me for it right?" He stood up in front of me and rested his palms on my stomach.

"I suppose I can pull that off." I replied and there was that single moment, the moment where you want to kiss them because that would complete the moment but then you realize that you can't kiss them because it would ruin everything you had worked so hard to reach. Instead, I pecked his cheek and then turned to pick out a shirt to wear. From then on we hardly ever kissed each other with the passion we had just used earlier in the bathtub, relying solely on a peck on the cheek, the tiniest realization for our feelings. We only shared our feelings clearly through our friendship.

I walked towards the door a few hours later, as Rowe walked in front of me, my hand locked in his. He turned around and let go of my hand, looking up at my face.

"What?" I looked away a bit.

"I'll always need you Celeste." He rested his hand on his chest, touching it a few times.

I nodded, trying to control the urge for tears.

"You were wrong, you know." He shook his head. "I never got the chance to learn on my own…I was expected to already know how." He coughed, forcing the words out. "But when I'm with you, I remember that I can't fly at all and that hurts, but I know I can over come it. I…I know you can too." He moved forward, slowly, softly kissing the tip of my nose and then rubbing the side of my stomach. He turned to leave, opening the door. "I'll be around." He muttered, then walked out of the door.

It was silent, my room was empty and alone as I realized that the part of Rowan that I had met at the Jake's Café that day was gone, that the Rowan I had so passionately made love with was gone, and that in his place I had this new Rowan that I was just yet to discover, this completely different side of him that I could tell already, he was new at discovering. A side that even he didn't know very well yet. The side that my child would grow to love and call papa' and the side that I would grow to love as a friend and as my other half. It was the beginning of a new life, one that I would learn to live moving only day by day.

Part 2

.18.

"Will you pleaseeee hand me the salt?" She begged her hands covered in some kind of batter working hard in front of a bowl next to the stove.

Yorke looked at Iris, crossed his arms, and thrust the tiny jar at her.

"Sorry Celeste, as I was saying…my dad has this great restaurant that he's opening up, you want to come and see it sometime, right?" He asked.

I nodded, sticking a carrot in my mouth.

"Sure." I smiled.

"What smells so good?" Oella walked into the large kitchen, setting down a bag full of groceries.

"New recipe." Iris smiled, nodding towards the book that sat in front of her.

"Thank you Iris, I really appreciate you making dinner. Have you seen your sisters?" She glanced around the large acres they owned in the back yard.

"They're out picking vegetables off of your plants." Yorke spoke for Iris.

"Wonderful. Celeste, you're staying for dinner, right?" She smiled.

I shrugged.

"If that's okay."

Oella's face melted, a glowing grin spreading from ear to ear.

"You're always welcome." She said.

I blushed, then thinned the shirt that hung over my stomach.

We gathered plates and silverware, decorating the table with them appropriately. Yorke began to make jokes, sending Iris and I into fits of laughter, listening to his analogy of forks and why they were created.

"So in a sense, it's basically for people that are too lazy to pick up their spoon and knife. A fork is for lazy people." He concluded, sticking a piece of carrot in his mouth.

I laughed again just as the door closed. I heard muffled conversation as Rowan walked into the room, Ellen's hand entwined with his. I almost saw Iris's face fall pale.

"Is that supper?" He let go of her hand and walked over to Iris, setting his hand on her back.

She nodded.

"New recipe." Yorke finished for her.

Iris gave him an annoyed glare, and then looked back at Rowan.

"Hi Ellen." She said quietly.

"How are you Iris?" Ellen asked.

Iris shrugged.

"And…Celena, right?" She approached me. A smile broke on my face.

"Celeste." Yorke quickly answered.

"Celeste, right…a cousin. How are you?" She asked, resting her hand on my stomach. "I bet you're getting anxious."

I nodded.

"I've begun to count down. Just a week or so more."

She looked back at the table Yorke aimlessly fidgeted with the set of forks that sat in his hands.

"You have room for two more?" He asked, setting his hand on Ellen's shoulder.

"Sure." Yorke mumbled and then walked over to the counter for two more plates.

"Where's mother?" Rowan asked.

"Outside." Iris hesitated.

He smiled, and then opened the screen door as the sun hit the carpet that sat in front of it. Ellen followed as she closed the door.

"Cousin." Iris chuckled, then began laughing, stirring her food.

"That was most definitely not my idea." I rolled my eyes.

"Hopefully not." Yorke grinned.

"She's nice." I mumbled.

It was silent for a while.

"Yeah, she is." Yorke agreed.

Iris shook her head, smiling as she looked at me.

"But she doesn't complete him."

"No one seems to complete Rowan…he's his own person, own identity, own existence…he wants it that way I think." I said slowly.

Yorke shook his head.

"It's just denial, I think."

"Maybe." Iris shrugged.

"Let me help you with that Iris." I stood up as she struggled to spoon the food around the bowl.

"No way, you just settle yourself in that chair, if you get too close this stove you may burst." She giggled.

"Will not, I'm perfectly capable." I stood up taller, the weight hitting my calves, shins, ankles and feet all at once I nearly collapsed from the pain. Yorke caught my arm and rested me on a chair.

"I can't wait to see the baby." He crossed his arms.

I smiled up at him, amused by his comment.

"No really, I want to show the baby everything…I was almost too little to do that with Cloe, but I think I'm old enough now to show him or her things…life."

"I'm sure he'd love to have you show him." I looked down on my stomach.

"What's it like?" Iris asked, turning on the oven.

"What's what like?" I asked.

"To carry a child? Mother says its like carrying a treasure chest and then finally opening it, loving every inch of the gold. Is that what it's like?" She began to make lemonade, stirring the pitcher.

"Kind of. I'm sure it's about as heavy as a chest, but I haven't seen the gold yet. I am extremely anxious…nervous, you know?"

"Nervous about what?" Rowan opened the door and walked in, Ellen remaining outside with his mother.

"Nothing." Yorke glared.

"The baby." I laughed.

"I'm nervous too." He whispered, slowly creeping over to the table and inching his fingers up my maternity shirt, softly rubbing my expanded skin. I loved that feeling, it was one of the warmest feelings I've ever had. The sense of a hand touching a forming life, a forming body that we would soon be able to hold in our hands, bare against our skin. I loved it.

"Rowan, your mother wants you to help carry in the fruit." Ellen said from outside.

He nodded, and then walked back outside. Chloe walked in a second later and smiled. She approached me and put her hand against my stomach.

"Tell me when it kicks, okay? I want to feel it."

"It happens all the time, I'm sure it will while I'm here." I grinned.

"Are you feeling better?" She asked referring to my morning sickness that she been seen over the last few times I had visited.

"A little, it goes away gradually throughout the pregnancy. At one point is was pretty bad wasn't it?" I laughed.

"I can't imagine." She said and sat on a stool.

"I'm so glad you're here for dinner. It's been a while since we last saw you." Cloe approached me again. "It's good to have you." She stated simply. Finally, in some strange way I felt at home.

After dinner and desert we sat around the couch, Rowan strumming softly on his guitar as Ellen and Oella had deep conversations. Iris sat; her legs slung over the chair humming along with Rowan, sticking a carrot in her mouth and slowly began chewing it. I sat next to Cloe who aimlessly drew, sketching the pot of fruit in front of her. I leaned back, holding up my paper and slowly sketching the scene in the room. Yorke's endless urgency to join the conversation, Iris's oblivious reaction to the others around her, Rowan's world that he was losing himself in, while in the back of his mind eager for a cigarette. Oella's sweet facial expression towards Ellen who talked with her hands, trying to explain things as clear as possible. I finished as Cloe sat back next to me and then looked at the drawing.

"That looks real." She whispered, gently running her fingers down it.

I looked at her and rolled my eyes.

"Right." I laughed.

"No, it does. Mother, look at this."

"Cloe-" I caught her arm.

Oella immediately wanted to see, holding her hands out for it. I gave it to her, biting my lip as I sat back.

"Oh Cel, it's beautiful." She muttered softly. "It really is." Handing it to Ellen, she looked at it then at me.

"Where are you?" She asked.

"Huh?" I was confused.

"Where are you in the picture? I even see Cloe, but where are you?"

"I guess its not really where I belong." I answered quietly.

"Oh." Ellen shrugged.

"You just put yourself before others, Celeste, that's all." Iris suddenly spoke up.

I quickly shook my head struggling to stand up.

"Not true." I grinned.

"You're leaving?" Yorke asked, standing up also.

I nodded.

"It's late and I'm really tired."

"You can stay the night." Yorke shrugged.

"No, but thanks." I answered, reaching for my coat.

"The food was wonderful, Irisa, you did a great job." I winked.

"I'll make sure you make it to the car okay." Rowan mumbled as he stood up, setting the guitar down. Immediately Iris reached for it and took it in her hands.

"We should get going too Rowan, I have that show tomorrow." Ellen spoke up.

"Right." He answered then walked towards me, resting his hand on my back. "Lousy time?" He asked once the door was closed.

"Not at all." I smiled. "It was good…good for us to actually live the life we had tried to show."

He laughed, shaking his head.

"It was hard."

"Yeah, it was."

"But its been going good, right?" He asked.

"So far." I shrugged. "I just miss the late nights…and the early mornings…" My eyes met his. "But I could never tell you that." I blushed.

"Sure you can, it's just me remember?" He gathered me in his arms and pecked my cheek as he pulled away. "I'll call you tomorrow. Iris and I want to go to the doctor's with you."

"Really? Okay." I answered excitedly.

"I love you." He mouthed, scrambled together.

I nodded in return, turning on my car.

"Goodnight."

.19.

I made my way slowly around the kitchen, realizing how hard it was becoming to continue and do my daily chores, keeping my apartment neat and spending the endless hours trying to find a place to work. I hadn't been to see Jake in ages, and I was anxious to tell him of my new discoveries.

"About time!" He yelled when I walked in.

"Sorry." I struggled to get into my seat.

"No need to be sorry, sweet thing. Life takes us on roller coasters that we never asked to go on, especially when we are scared of heights, right?" He winked.

"Right." I laughed, picking up a menu.

"You need soup, you look washed out. What are your plans for the day, love?" He asked. The restaurant was decently full, but he had hired new people and they were working hard to get the things done.

"Doctor's appointment." I mumbled.

"Always exciting. How's Rowe these days?" He brought me water, resting it on the table.

"He's…good." I nodded.

"Good? Well, that's wonderful." He replied.

Jake began to cough, making it sound like he was going to lose a lung.

"Maybe you're the one that needs the soup." I giggled.

He shook his head, coughing harder.

"Now, now. I am doing just fine. Don't you worry none."

"Are you sure? You need a break soon. I'll work for you as soon as I have this child, I'll help you." I stood up and put my arm on his shoulder.

"I can take care of myself just fine, young one, and you telling me any different will make me think less of myself."

"I have to go." I laughed, reaching for my purse.

"No time for food?"

I thought for a minute.

"Of course." I sat back down and waited for the food to arrive.

Thirty minutes later I stood outside the doctor's office, Iris standing next to me as Rowan smoked a cigarette on of the other side of me.

"Come on Rowan! How long does it take you to smoke?" Iris got irritated.

I let out a laugh as Rowan rolled his eyes and took a long smoke.

"Alright, my dear sister and lovely Celeste. Let's go see this baby." He dropped the cigarette and put his arm on the small of my back, leading me into the office.

"We have an appointment." I said softly as I leaned against the counter. I could almost see myself get shyer.

"Name?" The girl chomped on her gum.

"Doisneau." I replied.

"Huh?" She leaned forward, her eyes widening.

"Doisneau. Sound it out." Rowan put his hand in his pocket and leaned forward, annoyed.

"Someone has an attitude." She sat back and typed randomly on her computer.

"Yeah and it sure as hell isn't me." He replied.

"Rowe," I grinned, resting my hand on his.

"No Celeste, we pay a whole lot of money to go here and we will not get treated like a bunch of idiots. Do you understand? We pay you." Rowan furrowed his brow and tightened his lips.

"Sure you do, just sign here." She rolled her eyes as far as they could possible go back and handed me a clipboard.

I signed my name and time I got there, handing it back.

"It'll be a while." She motioned to the waiting room.

"Better not be." He said over his shoulder.

Iris erupted in laughter, throwing her head back.

"Brother, you are too much." She slapped her hand on his back. "Who taught you to talk back like that?"

"That's what I've learned the most in life." He closed himself together, tightening his shoulder.

"What's that?" Iris sat down next to him.

"To put a wall in front of you when you're around people and not let them know where you really stand. People can come into your life but they don't have to really know you, unless you let them." He put his hands in his pockets.

Iris was a bit confused as I felt my stomach nearly cave in. I had no idea if he was talking about me, people he had met from his past or if I really didn't know the real Rowan.

"But anyway, she was terribly rude. We have to stand up for what we know is right. Right?" He looked at Iris and I.

"Yeah!" Iris joined in.

"You two are crazy." I laughed.

"That's why we are here spending time with you." Iris grinned, her whole face turned into a smile.

I got a puzzled look on my face just as the doctor called my name.

We walked into the room as I rested on the table, an anxious Rowan pacing the room, biting his fingernail to control his urge for a cigarette.

"Why are you so nervous?" I looked over at him.

He looked at me as if I had just asked a stupid question.

"Don't you get it? This is one of the most exciting moments of my life."

"Sure it is." I rolled my eyes.

"I swear." He put his hand on his chest. "To see…this child that we formed together." He leaned closer and whispered it softly in my ear. "I can't wait."

"Neither can I." I smiled as he pulled away.

He stroked my cheek with the back of his hand.

"Where would I be?" I heard him whisper as he looked at my forehead and my hair.

I closed my eyes momentarily as he gently pecked my nose then pulled away walking over and talking to Iris who was looking at the pictures surrounding the room.

"Celeste, it tells us what to do in preparation to deliver a baby…in a step by step form."

"Take notes." I giggled as the doctor walked in.

"Ah, I see." He sighed, nearly rolling his eyes.

I had no idea what the doctor's problem was, but at that moment more then ever I was glad I was having the baby at home.

"How have you been feeling?" He asked in a routine sort of voice, cascading my stomach with a clear gel.

"Good." He didn't even care or look at me.

"Any abnormal abdominal pains?" He felt around my stomach.

I shrugged.

"Nothing besides the kicking."

I saw Rowan smirk at my joke but the doctor's facial expression didn't change.

"Let me set up the camera so that you can see the baby." He felt around my stomach harder, then turning the screen a bit while I tilted my head to see it. Rowan rushed next to me as Iris stood behind him with her hand drawn to her mouth and her face was intrigued. Rowan took my hand and stroked it with his thumb, a smile spread across his face.

"This is amazing." Rowan whispered.

"Do you want to know the sex of the baby?" The doctor asked.

I quickly shook my head.

"Sure." Rowan responded, his eyes not leaving the screen.

"And you are?" The doctor closed his eyes momentarily and then looked at Rowe.

"Rowan." He responded. "And you are?"

"Dr. Hamilton. Her doctor and I don't remember an M-r-s coming before this women's name so I would appreciate it if-"

"Do you know what I appreciate?" Rowan took his eyes away from the screen slowly and glared at the doctor. "If you would just keep quiet for a few minutes while I watch this amazing child. I don't want to miss anything." He smiled, looking back. "But I'm sure no one at this hell hole of a doctor's office knows that. By the way, the service here is terrible." Rowan's eyes still remained glued to the small screen as a smile was plastered on his face. "Is that…the hand?" He leaned closer.

The doctor ignored him.

"Excuse m—excuse me!" Rowan yelled, snapping his finger to get the doctor's attention.

I couldn't help but snicker as Iris rolled her eyes laughing to herself.

"I would like to know if that is the baby's hand!"

"Rowan, will you just calm down!" Iris grinned.

"I can't." Rowan shook his head.

"He's a little bit of an over achiever." Iris looked at the doctor and patted Rowe's back. "But I'm sure you see those all the time, I mean, you were one yourself weren't you? Stressing to be such a responsible and loving doctor, like the way you are today. Because, you are such a considerate doctor, don't you agree Celeste?" Iris moved her hands while she talked. I felt trapped, my shirt pulled up the top of my bulging stomach while it was covered in gel, a doctor controlling a machine against me. I laughed, throwing my hands down against the table.

"Oh yes." I laughed.

"Well." The doctor removed the device and began to clean off my stomach.

"Did you ask me if I was done? Because I swear that real doctors are supposed to ask and make sure everyone is comfortable." Rowan removed his chin from resting on his hand and looked at the doctor.

"Look, I-"

"You didn't ask me and to treat me at least like a normal human being you should ask before you take things. Remember that." Rowan pointed a finger and took the towel from the doctor, cleaning off my stomach.

"You children are very disrespectful and disappointing." The doctor stood up, tightening his tie and smoothing down his white jacket. I sat up and put my shirt down.

"Well you sure do sound like you're on a mission to tell our mom and dad!" Iris laughed, standing up also.

"Yeah, why don't you go do that prick face, and don't let the door hit you on your way out?" Rowan replied, with a shake of his head before going into a fit of laughter, Iris joining him. They both looked at me for a rude comment.

"Because we're not paying for this appointment and if you have a problem you can just talk to my lawyer or kiss my ass!" I replied, scooting over so that my legs were swung over the table.

Rowan nodded and stood up and then helped me off the table.

"You spoiled irresponsible children. I should call police you know, you're nothing but children. Celeste, if you even care your baby is due on the eighteenth of February, any later and I wouldn't be surprised." With that the doctor slammed the door as we all erupted in laughter.

"Can you believe that was as good as he could do?" Rowan nearly fell back in laughter, his whole face turning red.

We walked out, leaving the place behind.

"You never have to go back there, Celeste." He took my hand squeezing it a couple times. "I'll find you the best doctor's office in all of Gainesville, I swear it." He kissed my forehead.

"You don't have to." I replied.

"I want to." He answered.

"Who's hungry?" Iris opened her car door.

We all nodded then got into the car.

"We were rude." I mumbled.

"He was a dick." Rowan responded.

"But we were rude and I never wanted my family to come across that way. When I was young our family was rude to everyone. Mother was rude to the women who tried to convince her of her husband's wandering eyes and my father was rude to the ones that would talk about him in any sort of way good or bad and when I was eight years old I made a promise to myself that my family would never be rude."

"I'm sorry." Iris mumbled.

"I didn't know that bothered you so much, Celee…it won't happen again." He rubbed my leg softly.

"It was funny though." I responded after a few minutes.

"Did you see his eyes expand? They were about to fall out of his head." Iris joined in.

.20.

I decided that night that Rowan wasn't changing enough for me and that I needed to take a break from him completely. He was becoming more loving and affectionate then he had ever had been in the past. I knew that a lot of that had to do with the date of the birth soon arriving and the fact that he knew he needed to at least be a loyal father. I loved Rowan for that. He was a completely different father then anyone else I had seen and that's what scared me. The fact that he was forcing me to fall more in love with him when what I wanted to do was be able to stand on my own.

I didn't call anyone for a few days, but stayed at home and painted, trying to get a little bit of extra money though I was very unsuccessful. Iris would call but I refused to answer the phone and it wasn't until three days passed that she erupted into my room.

"Celeste!" She nearly screamed.

I sat up from the kitchen table and looked at her.

"Hello Iris." I answered.

"Don't you 'hello Iris' me! Where the _hell_ have you been?" She stomped over to the table.

"Here…though I'm in major need of groceries so maybe I should go out soon-"

"What is this, some kind of maternity leave? You haven't had the baby, you haven't been sick, you aren't _dead_ so why is it that you won't pick up the phone or call me or anything?" She said, exasperated.

"Iris, I'm fine. I just needed a little time, that's all. Honest, I didn't mean to hurt you."

"You just scared me." She collapsed into the seat. "I mean, goodness, Rowan's been worried sick but he's too proud to get himself over here. Do you realize what you've put him through? What you've put all through?"

I began to smile to myself.

"Where's the humor, tell me, because I'm dying to hear it somewhere." She crossed her arms.

"It's not…that…I just. It's what I needed to realize, that's all." I began to sit back down to continue my drawing.

"Realize? I'm so lost." She leaned against the table.

"I wanted to see if…um…if I could do it."

"Do…"

"If I could do without the people that mean the most to me. If I'm strong enough to do it on my own."

"That's why we have those people Celeste. They're given to us so that we don't _have_ to see what it's like. I for one, don't want to even imagine what its like." She explained, her tone returning to its sweetness.

"I needed to." I glanced down at my stomach.

"Why? Why did you feel you needed to do that?" She asked.

"I depend on people too much Iris, I always have. People for me are a crutch so that I don't have to go through things alone."

"They're no crutch, they're just a ladder helping you through your trials. Besides, its selfish."

I glared at her, shocked.

"Selfish!"

"Yes selfish. You're testing friendships to make sure if they're good enough. It's not a gift-wrapped package. People aren't perfect and if you don't need them then for God sakes keep them around because you never know if they need you." She stood up and grabbed her purse. "I need a smoke." She said, frustrated and then left the room.

I felt like someone had just smacked me across the face, her words still swarming around the room and hitting me over and over. I was being selfish.

That night I went to the _Rainbow's Way_ performance. I walked to the back of the room and caught Yorke's eye approaching him, stumbling to walk with the overdue birth date.

"You made it." He smiled.

I nodded, winking at him.

"When do they go on?" I looked around.

"Not for a few more minutes, I'm gonna get a drink. Do you want anything?"

"No, but thanks." I responded.

I walked near the stage searching for Iris. She came out from behind the curtain and walked up to the microphone, tapping it with her fingers.

"Check. Check 1, 2, 3." She said into it. I waved for her as she looked at me and then walked off the stage and over to me. "Hey, you came." She smiled as much as she could.

"Yeah, I needed to get out." I answered.

"I'm glad you did." She said genuinely.

"Iris I'm sorry. You were right. I was thinking of it the completely wrong way. Without you, Iris…I don't know where I would be." I stopped forcing myself not to cry. "You've been there for me more then you could ever know. And to think I almost lost that-" I nearly burst into tears as she wrapped her arms around me in a hug, holding tightly to me.

"You didn't a lose a thing, Cel, don't talk like that." She whispered.

I smiled, hugging her back.

"You gonna stay for the performance?" She pulled away and wiped her hand against my wet cheeks.

I nodded.

"I need to talk to Rowan after the show, will you remind him?"

"Sure, talk to you later." She squeezed my hand then walked back through the curtain.

I found Yorke again as he motioned for a table.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Thank you." I stopped him and gave him a hug, not even wanting to explain.

"It was just a table, really, no big deal." He laughed.

We sat down even though we could hardly see Rowan came onto the stage and thanked everyone.

"It's great for all of you to be here tonight. I want to welcome you and hope you enjoy hearing _Rainbow's Way_." With that he went into a rhythm on his guitar bringing his lips to the microphone.

He sang, Iris joining him and it was amazing, they're voices blending perfectly. I watched Yorke's face as he drank slowly, his brow pressed tightly together doing the lip thing that I would always catch Rowan doing when he was deep into thought. I nudged him.

"What are you thinking about?"

He quickly shook his head.

"Nothing, don't worry about it." He said in a calming way.

"You sure?"

He shrugged.

"Business crap. Sure you don't want to hear about it"

"It's not that I don't want to hear about it, it's that I won't follow it." I laughed.

He nodded, grinning.

"Or that."

The concert ended later on and it took me nearly thirty minutes to get a hold of Rowan. He came out of the back door as I rushed after him, eager to get his attention.

"Rowe!" I yelled.

He turned around, still walking.

"Hey Celee." He answered.

"Great job." I nudged him softly.

"Thank you. Thank you very much." He answered very formerly.

"Can we talk?" I asked slowly.

"I'm actually kind of going somewhere…um…can we talk later maybe?"

"Um," I bit my lip.

He itched his nose then ran his hand through his hair.

"I'm sorry but I can't do anything tonight, I already have plans."

"But I thought…"  
"Thought what?" He stopped walking.

"You…you were worried." I answered, immediately feeling stupid for saying it.

He shrugged, pulling out a cigarette.

"Didn't seem to stop you." He lit it.

"I'm sorry. I got your point, or your revenge or whatever, can we talk now?" I asked.

"I really can't Celeste. I…I have plans I can't just…you've given me time Celeste." He looked at me squinting his eyes a bit. "You've aloud me to think about things…what you said a while back about needing to be free…to do this on your own…I want you to know that I support you completely, but I can't do it." He coughed a bit, looking away. I nearly thought he was done until he looked back at me. "I can't…I can't look at you and not think about you. I can't hold Ellen and not think about you. I want to be able to do that Celeste; I _need_ to be able to do that. Because if you don't need me as much as I need you, then I need to learn not to need you because that's the only way I can get through this." He began to talk with his hands, resting a grip on my arms.

I gulped, completely surprised by his comment.

"I'm so sorry." I answered my mouth felt cotton dry.

He shook his head, confused.

"I've been so selfish." I continued.

"Celeste-"

"No, Rowe, I don't want to stop you. I don't want hold you back from being with Ellen. I never meant to make you feel that way."  
"So you understand?" He asked me, looking at me sternly.

I nodded my head.

"Of course." I answered, my breathing becoming rough.

"I still want to…talk. I want to know you still." He ran his hand up and down my arm.

"What…" I mumbled, nearly choking on my words.

"I mean we have a child together, I think…I know that we need to be together and…"

"Rowan, are you saying you don't want to…do this anymore?"

His face turned nearly white, the color draining completely.

"I'm sorry." He whispered.

I pulled away, mumbling things.

"I need to go." I answered, the tears reaching my throat.

"Celeste, don't leave like this."

"Why not? I came here to tell you that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I pushed you away, that I want to be with you and that I don't care about Ellen or about the media or about your habits because I'm in love with you and none of that will hold me back." With that I left nearly choking on my tears.

I heard him walk to his car and leave. I kept walking until I reached my apartment standing in front of it I saw a figure by the door.

"Why are you here?" I asked, my cheeks bright red from the continuous stroke my hands made to hide the tears.

"I just wanted to make sure you got home okay…you left in such a hurry." Yorke replied.

"I'm a big girl, Yorke. I can take care of myself." I fumbled for my key.

"Yeah I know it was stupid of me." He turned towards me I knew he could see that I was shaking. "Celeste."  
"I can't talk about it." I whispered.

"Just let me help you upstairs, please?"

"I can't do that." I answered, looking up at him.

"You look upset Celeste, let me help."

I finally gave in and handed him my keys. He unlocked the bottom door entering the apartment building and held it for me.

"Thank you." I mumbled, holding my arms against myself.

Walking up the flight of stairs he struggled to unlock my door. Without a word he turned on the lights and immediately turned on a pot for tea, bringing down a cup he waited for the water to boil. I just stood in the middle of the large room, cradling my stomach.

"Let's get you to bed." He looked sorry, a display of guilt nearly running on his cheeks.

"I'm not tired." I closed my eyes, not allowing his grip to move me.

"Should I call Iris?" He asked, crossing his arms.

I shook my head.

"Will you be okay?"

"I just need some time alone, okay?"

"Time alone isn't always good, Celeste."

"What do you know?" I smirked, looking at him, anger flooding over me.

"I know enough. I know that being stubborn won't get you anywhere."

"I'm not even sure why you're here Yorke, I don't even think you know."

"I'm here because I care about you. I want to make sure that you're okay, that you are-"  
"Yorke it's really nice of you but you're just a friend. I don't need your help right now." I said in monotone.

"Alright then…I'll be there when you do." He returned to the stove and poured me a cup of tea and then reached for his jacket. "Get some rest, you look like hell." He grinned.

I nodded.

"I'll keep that in mind."

After he left I reached for the cup as drops of the liquid fell onto the saucer, my fingers quavering. I brought them to my lips to stop the sobs that erupted from my mouth. I began to wonder why I cared so much about someone that from the beginning of our relationship made it clear that we were not going to last forever. That one day, maybe not the next or a week from then, but one day we would have to part ways and we would have to understand that. That no matter what we thought of each other we had to be able to let go. I couldn't seem to comprehend anything besides that at that moment, struggling to understand how I would let go of someone that I cared about so greatly.

I fell asleep on the middle of my floor on the Persian rug that Iris had given me for Christmas. I curled in a ball, holding tightly to my stomach and cried myself to sleep the tiny cup of tea on the saucer still sitting next to me.

.21.

"Can I help you?"

"Have you gotten strawberries in yet?" I asked.

"In the back." He pointed to the back of the small shop.

I began to put the various fruit in the basket, filling it with healthy food. My pregnancy was slowly coming to a close as Oella had explained. In some sort of translation I was a week and a half late and I had to struggle to even walk. Oella suggested eating nothing but fruit until the baby was born so that he or she would be as healthy as possible. I kind of thought it was an odd superstition but anything to make the delivery go successfully. I balanced the heavy basket with one arm as I hobbled over to the counter.

"Let me help." He took it from my arms and began to empty it, pricing it up. "When are you do due?" He asked.

"Supposedly a week and a half ago." I smiled with a hint of sarcasm in my voice.

"Excited?"

"I'm ready…and nervous." I grinned.

"I can only imagine. You shop here often…I've seen you in here, but yet you only buy fruit or wheat…I've never seen you purchase any type of meat."

"I'm a vegetarian."

He looked surprised.

"Really? For someone who's as pregnant as you, is it really safe?"

"I wouldn't see why it wouldn't be. Thank you so much." I reached for my bags.

"Do you need help?"

"No, I'll make it fine, thank you."  
I left the awkward conversation and hurried to my apartment, eager to unpack my things. Opening my door I nearly threw the bags on the floor struggling to catch my breath.

"I just let myself in, hope you don't mind." Rowan stood, holding a small key.

I shrugged, a bit surprised. I hadn't seen him for nearly a week.

"I just got back from Oregon." He told me throwing his hair away from his face.

"Was it nice?" I asked.

"I got to visit an old friend." He grinned, blushing. "But it reminded me of how beautiful Oregon is."

I nodded in understanding.

"I came back early though." He itched his nose uncomfortably.

"Why?" I asked him, looking up from my fruit.

"Because, I was worried." He shrugged.

"About what?"

"That you'd have the baby before I get back."

I quickly shook my head.

"Well I'm still as pregnant as I was when you left."

"Look Celeste I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…to hurt you." He walked towards me. "I want to be a part of our child's life and I hope we can do that without this other stuff getting in the way."

"Depends on what the other stuff is Rowe." I dried the peach and set it in a basket.

"Everything that we used to have. I want this to be a mature parental situation. Do you understand?"

I tried not to laugh.

"You make it sound so formal…so easy."

"It won't be but I think we can do it." He smirked.

I set down the fruit and turned towards him.

"You want to be parents to this child," He rested his hands against my stomach. "And remain friends but be the adult figures that the baby will need."

He nodded.

"To love each other as only the other parent of our child but to be there for each other…"  
"To still care about each other." He added in.

"Only in a way that we will support each other."

He drew me into a hug.

"Thank you." I whispered. "For coming over here and saying that."

"I'm just sorry it had to wait." He gently squeezed my arm and then headed to the door. "I need to get going, call me if you need anything okay?"

Later that day Iris came to visit and to explain the process.

"Everything will be set up exactly how you want it, Celeste. You'll know exactly what we're doing the minute we do it. There's nothing to be worried about."

"What if something goes wrong?"

"Mother is there, nothing can go wrong." She assured me.

"You make it sound so simple." I grinned.

"It's a birth of a child, Celeste, it's not a missile launch. People have been having babies since the beginning of time."

"Well that's encouraging." I laughed.

"Have you told your friend…what's his name…Jake?"

"I've been to see him a few times…he's nearly excited as I am."

"Is he coming?"

"No." I quickly responded.

"Celeste…do you want Rowe to be here?" She moved closer to me, saying the words slowly.

I thought for a few minutes and then shrugged.

"I don't care."  
"Well he asked."

"He did?" I smiled.

"Yes, he asked me if he could come and of course my natural instinct and because mother was standing right there was to say no…but I knew he was asking with all intention of coming anyway."

"Then he'll come. I know he's anxious."

"Why?" She asked drawing the word out as if she wanted me to explain everything so that she didn't have to wonder anymore.

I smiled, shrugging.

"It's a new person entering the world…just the fact is exciting."

She shook her head, giving up.

"This is hopeless." She said to herself.

"Someday I'll explain everything." I rested my hand on her arm. I wanted to tell her, I wanted to gloat with admiration and tell her everything that I had drowned myself in the past year, but I knew that it would never be the same if I did. She may be my best friend, but I respected Rowan more then that.

"Sure you will." She rolled her eyes, gathering the papers and booklets. "Maybe…um, maybe you should have someone stay with you until the actual birth. I just don't like the idea of you being here all alone." Iris stopped before she reached the door.

"I can take care of myself." I grinned, sweetened by the fact that she cared.

"Well, if anything goes wrong or if anything happens, call me, you swear it?"

"I swear." I did a scout's honor approval and then laughed. "With the way you're planning you probably won't miss a minute of the birth."  
"That's the way I want it." She replied and then closed the door.

.22.

I awoke to a sunken feeling in my stomach. I felt uneasy, sick almost. I sat up in bed and felt my stomach, searching for the spot to make the pain go away. My first instinct was that my baby was dying. For an instant I thought the past nine months were going to end without a blessing and I would lose my child forever. I pushed my hair away from my face and reached for the phone, dumping a book and a glass on the floor in my struggle.

"Iris?" My voice was hoarse, soft. It was had to only be about five in the morning.

"What is it?" She mumbled.

"I don't know, but…something is wrong. I'm not sure what it is, but I'm scared. Iris, I'm so scared please come over here."

"What? You mean, that…I'm on my way." I heard the phone slip onto the receiver as I stood up, grabbing my abdomen in pain. I screamed, grabbing onto the sheets for support, tearing at them. I walked to the kitchen, trying to ease the pain as I reached for a glass of orange juice. A bolt of pain shot throughout me suddenly, sending the orange juice to the floor, splattering everywhere. I grabbed my stomach against my nightgown and leaned against the kitchen table. I had no idea what was going on but my underwear felt wet which meant my water had already broke, but I had no idea when. Franticly, I paced my apartment, wondering what I would do until Iris arrived, how I would "walk it off" and if this pain was horrible what it would be like to actually give birth.

It was then I realized how terrified I was. I was too young to be a mother. My life would change so much and I began to wonder if it had been worth it? I knew in the back of my mind that Rowan wouldn't be the ideal father, but then again, who is? I was new at this, but to think that I was bringing an innocent child into my messed up world seemed very unkind of me. I didn't want to ruin someone's life just because of my mistakes. I remember that for the first time since I had left home I wanted to call my mother and ask her what I should do. I felt like I was seven again when I sat behind the couch and listened to my momma and poppa argue, their voices trailing throughout the entire house while she cried and his bass voice would pass between French and English. I always knew because the curse words were in French and the hurtful things were in English. When I was seven, huddled together behind the couch, I wanted to close my eyes and somehow forget about that moment and throw it as far away as possible. I had heard that a birth was one of the most amazing experiences in the world, but all I wanted to do was throw what I was about to experience as far away as possible.

I wanted to reach for the phone and call Rowan but I tried to stay focused on my breathing. I had to count in order to breath and in order to lose a bit of the pain, sweat forming around my forehead. Finally, I made my way to the telephone, picking it up I quickly dialed Rowan's number.

"Yes, hello?" He whispered into it.

"Rowan?" I panted; the pain was beginning to grow but not as quickly as before.

"Who is this?" He asked, still not awake.

"Celeste. Um…I was thinking…maybe, only if you want, you could…come help me deliver our child?" I swallowed, the thought processed and I tried not to cry.

"What? It's time?" He nearly yelled, bolting up.

The door swung open before I could respond as Iris burst in, still in her pajamas Oella not far behind. At the sight of them I dropped the phone as it landed on the floor, nearly collapsing on the ground. Iris caught me, glowing, as she helped me onto the bed.

"Are you ready for this?" She asked, pushing my hair away from my face.

"I'm scared." I tried to smile.

"Don't you worry about a thing, Celeste? We have everything under control." Oella assured me. She brought out a small bag, setting it next to my feet on the bed. She pressed her hands on my knees and looked over at me. "Love, are you willing to experience the pain?"

I gulped, terrified.

"Well, I mean, what else would I do?"

"It's not too late to go to a doctor."

"Mother, she doesn't want to do that. She told me, right Celeste?"

I was feeling drowsy, feeling as though I was being torn from the inside out.

"Iris, I'm just afraid that Celeste is not ready for this…not for her first child. It's perfectly fine if you want to, Celeste. There's no harm done now, but let's try to keep it that way. I must say it was one of the worst feelings I have ever experienced in my life…but I know you're strong Celeste." Oella told me stroking my leg through the sheets. "You can do this if you really think its what you're supposed to do. It looks as though you're nearly dilated." I rolled my eyes back, tears slipping down my red cheeks as I grabbed the mattress to relieve some of the throbbing. I could hardly feel Iris stroking my arm, trying to comfort me.

"I came as soon as I could, what did I miss?" Rowan walked into the door that sat ajar, putting his hand on his mother's shoulder.

I looked at Rowe, his eyes brightened as he looked at me. He gave me a sympathetic and encouraging look. He rushed to the other side of me and took my trembling hand.

"I'm ready." I looked up at him as Oella nodded in approval, gathering a bucket of warm water.

"Are you scared?" He whispered, grinning sheepishly.

I shrugged.

"I'm terrified." I laughed, my bottom lip shaking.

"You're so strong Celee, you can do it. I know you can. I have faith in you and that's what brought us here this far, let's not lose it now, okay?"

I smiled, nodding quickly. He pecked my cheek as I gripped his hand as the excruciating pain hit, sending me into screams.

"Hold on Celeste, you're not fully dilated, don't start pushing." Oella coaxed as Iris assisted her mother, doing everything the minute she needed it. "I've delivered five children into this world and this is my first chance to actually bring one into the world with my own two hands. It's amazing."

Rowan gleamed, tightening his grip on my hand and stroked my arm.

"Just hold on Celee, don't let go." He entwined his fingers with mine and grew closer.

"What are we doing?" I spoke slowly, terrified.

He looked at me, shaking his head out of confusion.

"What are you talking about?" He whispered.

"Our lives are terrible, how could we force someone as innocent as this to make them endure it too?"

It was silent as I felt another strike of pain, a scream releasing itself from my mouth.

"This child's life will not be terrible, I swear to you. As long as I keep my distance, you'll raise our child well."

I shook my head as I felt another pounding feeling.

"The baby is breached." Oella said, looking up at me slowly.

"What?" I panted. "What does that mean?"

"It means that this baby wants to come out feet first."

"No…no, I can't do this." I threw my head against the pillow.

"Please do something mother." Rowan leaned forward.

"We have to wait until he turns." She stroked my calf.

"No." I mumbled, breathing roughly. "No, he's coming out now."

"Celeste, you-"

"He's coming out." I looked at her and began to push although the pain was nearly unbearable.

I didn't hear much after that; I focused on delivering the baby and bringing the life into the world. I began to wonder what would happen after I had this baby. If I had never met Rowan, my life would be completely different. I would probably be gone from Gainesville, moving on, eager to get my art to another place. One thing is for sure; I would have never gotten to experience such an amazing thing. At least then I didn't think I ever would. At the time the future was just something I was ignorant to. I had no need to care about it, so why dwell on it? Rowan may not always be there, I was well aware of that, but why focus on that part of my life? What the next few months would bring was something I could never prepare myself for. Not many get the opportunity to love someone, to be apart of someone's life and to get to experience that other person. Maybe even many wouldn't want to do what I did, put myself through what I did, but I knew at that moment as I lay, sprawled across my sheets in the most pain I've ever been in, my hair wet and ratted, screaming loudly as Rowe tried to calm me. While he stroked my arm and told me not to let go, I knew then that if I had the chance I would do it all over again, but that time make sure I didn't miss a moment of it. There's the late nights now after my children go to sleep, that I try hard to remember every moment about those months but I can't seem to recall a lot of it and that tends to be one of my biggest regrets.

"It's almost over." Oella soft and sweet voice cooed against the screaming. "Just a little bit more, Celeste, you're doing great. He's coming out. His bum first, but he's coming out." She giggled, shaking her head at Iris.

I looked up at Iris who smiled giddily at me, beaming with pride.

The next moment was something that I wish I could see whenever I look at my son. The moment she brought him up, his tiny arms and legs flaying everywhere as Iris reached for him and covered him in a blanket. She motioned for Rowan who kissed my hand, the feeling of fresh salty tears slipping down into my palm. He walked over to Iris, cautiously and slowly, taking each step carefully. Iris rushed to clean the baby up, Rowe walking next to her.

I let out a sigh, a smile spread from ear to ear.

"You did wonderful, love. I just am so sorry that your parents couldn't be here to see it." Oella spoke.

"I don't want to have any regrets about today, Oella. I wouldn't want to have anyone else in the world deliver my child except you." She smiled, walking over to me and leaning over to give me a hug.

"It was God's grace and ability that allowed me to do it, He's brought a beautiful baby boy into the world." She pecked my forehead.

"A boy." I lay, exhausted as Rowan walked over to me, a tiny bundle wrapped in his arms. He leaned down and kissed the tiny head and then handed the baby to me. I sat up a bit as Iris and Oella talked in the kitchen. Rowan sat next to me on the mattress, leaning against my shoulder a bit. I ran my finger down the baby's cheek. His tiny lips were bright red, making smacking noises every now and then.

"Well?" He asked cautiously. "What do you think?"

"I think he's the most beautiful baby I've ever seen." I spoke softly and gently, kissing the tip of his nose. "I'm in love with him, Rowan." I whispered.

"Do you think…he'll remember me?"

"Remember you?" I whispered.

"I mean, when I have to go away. Do you think he'll remember me when I come back?"

"Of course." I grinned.

Rowan took the tiny hand and let it rest gently on his finger.

"What should we name him?" I asked.

"Well, I believe he was given to us to show us life. God granted us with his life…graced us with his life." He was mumbling, stroking the tiny features on the baby. It was the first mention of God I had heard from Rowan's mouth.

"Life." I mumbled leaning and kissing his fragile cheek. "He's perfect."

"More then I had imagined." Rowan tilted his head a bit. "Are you disappointed that…that I'm his father?"

I didn't answer for a while but watched Life grab the empty air in front of him and let out a scream, hunger overtaking him. Once I began to feed Life, I looked back at Rowan.

"No. I'm not disappointed at all." I grinned. "You're his father Rowan, and whether you want to believe it or not, you'll be a great one."

"No, I won't." He messed with a strand of my hair, brushing away the compliment.

"Yes you will." I whispered and leaned up, pecking his cheek softly. "I know that things will be hard for a while, but we'll do the best we possibly can and Lord knows that if my parents had tried that then things could have been better. We're all we have to give him and that has to mean something."

Life soon fell asleep, resting against my chest. I closed my eyes for a minute and felt myself drifting.

"Sleep Celee, I'll be here when you wake up." Rowan whispered and scooped the baby out of my arms. I believe I slept for the next three hours.

.23.

Making my way to full recovery, Oella stayed with me for the following week. I took things slow, spending as much time admiring Life then anything.

Oella was making breakfast when I heard the door open.

"Where's the baby, mother?" I heard Chloe ask in a hushed whisper.

"He's so precious, such a perfect baby." Iris walked into the kitchen leaving my bed area.

"Were you there when it happened?" Chloe asked excitedly.

"Of course I was. Why would Celeste's best friend not be there?" Iris explained proudly.

"Well I'm jealous. I want to see the baby. It's been much too long." Chloe said as I heard the footsteps walking closer.

"We should wait, I think he's asleep." Iris replied.

"She must be exhausted." I heard the conversation continue. I waited for the figure to turn the corner, but another one did first.

"How are you feeling?" Yorke walked over to me and sat at the end of my bed.

"Better, thank you." I smiled.

"He's…just what I thought he would look like." He leaned forward and looked at the baby.

"Do you want to hold him?" I asked.

He shrugged.

"I don't know…I may break him." Yorke laughed.

"No, I want you to hold him. Please." I held Life up a bit and set him in Yorke's arms.

"He's so tiny." He grinned. "Was it incredibly painful?"

I chuckled.

"Pain doesn't even being to describe it..." I winked. "But it was all worth it the minute your mother handed me this one." I ran my fingers down the blanket that held Life.

"I'm happy for you." He said, slowly.

"I wish you could have been here."

"Yeah, well, who would have stayed with Chloe?" He shrugged, nearly sarcastically. "Besides, it really wasn't my place." He handed Life back as the baby yawned, curling its fingers around a piece of my dangling hair. I didn't let my eyes leave Yorke as I sat, shocked. He'd known about Rowan and I for a long time and didn't even bother to say anything.

"Yeah, how so?" I grinned.

"Oh, I don't know." He rolled his eyes, a laugh escaping his lips. "Maybe just the fact that Rowe would have much more of purpose being here."

"Yorke-"

"No…don't say a thing…" He stood and held up his finger, pointing it at me and then using it to hush me. "I'm sending in my sister…she's been so excited." He winked and then walked around the corner.

I sat up, glowing. There was no way to describe Yorke. He's a very warm and kindhearted individual. Even to this day, when I think of Yorke I think of his smiling cheeks and the way his chin slipped out nearly apart from the rest of his face in a distinct way and when he laughed, which he didn't do often, his whole face would light up and his mouth would open and his eyebrows would fly up and he would laugh.

"Look at him." Cloe spoke as she and Iris approached the bed.

"Come in, nothing seems to wake him up." I grinned.

"He's so cute." She gawked, sliding her fingertips down his cheek.

"He's a handful." I replied.

"But mother's been helping you, right? And Iris?" Cloe asked.

"Oh yes, I have no idea what I would do without them. Really." I assured her.

Cloe was smart. A whit somewhere within her, but for the most part, she was an extremely deep and intelligent person.

"What did you name him?" Chloe leaned over her sister to get a better look at the baby.

"Life." I glowed.

"What's his middle name?" She went farther.

I thought for a minute.

"I haven't decided yet." I bit my lip.

"I still like Bear." Chloe smiled, eager to add in her input.

"We'll see." I smiled.

"Can I hold him?" She asked.

I quickly nodded and handed her the baby.

"It's really amazing what you're doing, Celeste. I want you to know how proud and happy we are for you." Cloe spoke while looking at the small baby.

"Yes, we really are excited for the future and watching him grow." Iris added in.

"I'm glad you'll be there to do so." I sighed.

An hour later everyone returned home, leaving only the baby and I. Oella had pleaded with me to let her stay one more night, she was scared that something might happen, but I knew I had to learn it on my own if I was going to be a mother for a long time. I rocked him slowly in an old chair that Iris and I picked up from a Flea Market a while back. He was sleeping softly and soundly, that I didn't want to take a breath for fear that I would wake him. He yawned, squirming a bit.

"Life Bearing." I mumbled. "Children bring many things into this world when they're born." I talked mostly to myself, yet to him also. "And no matter where they go or if they leave, you can always keep what they brought within you." I leaned over and softly kissed his forehead.

"Look at you. More like a mother every day." A voice muttered, walking into the apartment.

"Hi." I whispered and gently stood up, walking over to my bed and resting Life on it.

"How are things?" Rowan asked while fidgeting, ramming his hands into his pockets.

"They're going well." I replied.

"It's been so long since I've seen you with your figure." He smirked, then cleared his throat. "Were my family here today?"

"Yes, Yorke brought Chloe to see the baby."

"Oh…Celeste?" He barely got out, saying my name in a rapid way as if he was anxious or nervous to say something.

"What is it?" I dropped my arms to my side.

"What if…um, what if…what if they find out? I mean, I don't want my mother to accuse me of lying or cheating or anything…because, I mean, I know she never would, but Celeste. The look of disappointment, I could never handle that. I don't want her to ask why he looks like I did when I was a child or why…why I'm here with the baby a lot and---" He stammered.

"Rowan? This is your mother, not the media. Have you forgotten the difference?"

"Sometimes I wonder if I have." He runs his hair through his mounts of hair and slicks it back out of frustration.

"Do not worry about tomorrow, Rowan. Let tomorrow worry about itself." Remembering a verse that Oella had told me, I reached for him and pulled him into a hug. "Do you think it would be wiser if we…distanced each other even more? If you would only see the baby when you know your mother won't know or…"

"I couldn't handle doing that. I love my mother." He whispered.

"Right. I understand. It's okay, we'll be fine." I pulled him away and put my hands on his shoulders, trying to assure him. He reached for my hand and took it into his. My fingers were so tiny and frail compared to his. The thick, muscular fingers, veins scattering themselves against his hand, smelling of tobacco if they were even slightly near your nose. I loved that feeling.

"I'm not running away from this." He looked me into the eyes, his bottom lip beginning to shake as he bit down on it, trying to control it.

"I know." I looked away, shaking my head.

"Celeste, we agreed on this. This is something I'm ready for. I'm ready to be a father." He said.

"It's a drastic change, Rowe. Full commitment and time, he'll need you now more then ever. Introduce him to life, Rowan. You know so very much about it." I coaxed him towards the couch.

"Not my life." He dropped my hand to his side but kept a hold of it.

"I want him to see you. I know that you don't let many people see you and that's understandable but this is your son, Rowan. Show him who you really are."

"I can't." He shook his head. He didn't speak for a few minutes, but kept his eyes focused on his feet. When he spoke up his eyes were glazed with tears, forcing himself to keep them back. "I'm a failure."

"No—" I shook my head.

"Yes I am. What was I thinking?" He started to cry, tears running down his cheeks and onto his chin. "I'm not fit to be a dad. Celeste, I don't even talk to my own father…how could I take care of someone else and…expect them to respond…what am I doing?" He shook his head looking at me, desperately wanting some magical answer.

"Rowan, this wasn't planned, you had no idea-"

"How could I even think…I would be successful at being a father?" He bursts into full tears, sobbing he rested his head against his arms, shaking. I put my hand on his back, stroking it.

"You won't mess up, Rowan. I have faith in you and that's what matters—"

He stopped me with the raise of his hand.

"I have to get away." He looked over at me, his bottom lip trembling.

"You do?" My voice cracked, my eyes glazing over with tears.

"I can't watch myself fall anymore, Celeste. It's too discouraging."

"Then for God's sake let me help you!" I replied in an instance, yelling at him.

He looked at me and slowly smiled, partially, his eyes glowing with relief.

"You're incredible, you know that don't you?" He went forward and gathered me in a tight hug, trying to stop his tears, he rested his head in the cress between me cheek and my shoulder. He pecked it softly and then pulled away. "Goodnight." He whispered and then turned to leave. "I want you to know, now and always, Celee…I don't regret you. I…don't regret being with you. I only regret my mistakes." He then opened the door and left me standing in the middle of the room, once again, alone.

.24.

Rowan walked slowly next to me, his hands dug into his faded and torn jeans while the bottom of his Converse heal made a slapping noise against the ground, the heal slowly falling off. I held Life in front of me, wrapped in a cloth around my waist. He slept quietly, moving every so often to feel the breeze. I supported his back and bottom with my hands as Rowan walked into the local grocery store.

"I haven't been here in…since…I'm not sure I've ever made it to the grocery store." He smirked, letting a strand of hair slide in front of his eyes.

"Then how do you eat?" I laughed.

"I have my ways." He grinned.

"As always." I said sarcastically and reached for the cart.

"We should have told Iris to come."

I reached for his arm.

"Rowan, we're just two normal people shopping in the normal grocery store. There is no Hollywood in Gainesville." I whispered, looking dead into his eyes.

"Right." He nodded and then glanced around the store. "I won't eat anything here." He crossed his arms.

"Why must I be the adult the majority of the time? We'll find something, okay?"

"No Celeste, I have the restaurant where I eat and the Vegetarian store down the road a bit, I do not need a store full of shitty food that supports killing animals. Celeste, please, you know how I feel about that." His voice was rising, as he demanded he be heard.

"You're making a scene, we'll leave in a few minutes. I just needed some fruit and celery maybe. Rowe, don't act like this."

"I'll be in the car." He hissed.

Never again did I ask him to go shopping with me.

In the parking lot I searched for the car, Life wide-awake in front of me as I struggled to carry the couple bags of food.

I saw her before I saw him, her long blond hair circling in the wind as she reached for it to pull it down. Rowan was leaning against the truck, his arms crossed as she stood close to him, her arm touching his stomach. Anger overwhelmed me as I realized that my arms were beginning to feel like they were being torn off while he stood there…flirting.

"Some help?" I mumbled, loud enough for him to hear me.

"Oh, right." Rowan stood up and took the bags from me. "You remember Celeste, right?"

"Yes, of course." Ellen smiled. "You had your baby I see?"

"I did." I showed him off.

"What's his name?" She glowed.

"Gabe," Rowan mumbled. "Gabriel Alexander."

"Gabriel, that's a cute name." She seemed a bit surprised.  
I didn't say anything.

"I'll call you." He opened the truck door for me. He reached for Ellen and pulled her into his grasp, kissing her.

"I love you." She mumbled and then walked away.

"You're an ass." I hissed as I slammed the door.

"Celeste, if you would have told her you named your child a name like Life she would have automatically guessed that I had some part in it."

"So what if you did? You're my friend Rowe; can't you help me pick out a name for my child? Or Iris, for all she knew, Iris helped me. That was a real asshole thing to do." I glared at him.

"What's asshole about trying to keep you to myself?" He tried to grin.

"You know that's not the case anymore."  
"What?" He looked from me to the road and back again.

"It's not like that anymore, Rowan. You said that yourself. You disgust me, let me out right now."

"I'm not stopping-"  
"Let me out!" I yelled.

Life began to cry struggling next to me.

"Celeste, don't be stupid-"  
"I don't want to be in this car with you anymore. Stop the car, Rowan." I yelled.

"You're stubborn, you know that?"

"I'm not being stubborn, I'm just trying to get my point across." I grumbled as I opened the door and slammed it, walking away from the car. He sped off; angry I'm sure as Life stopped crying.

I walked aimlessly for a while, ignoring the passing cars and the endless traffic that made me unable to cross the street. After nearly a half hour of walking I saw the familiar car again, slowing down as it approached me.

"Come here." He hissed, rolling down the window.

"Why, are you calm?" I smirked.

"Damnit Celeste, get over here." He yelled, leaning towards the window. I winced, making my way to the car.

"Give me the baby." He demanded.

"What are you-"

"Give me the baby, Celeste! You're not being a very responsible mother, Celeste, over something so stupid. You can go ahead and make your mistakes; I have no control, but give me the baby because he doesn't have to make them too. Let me be the father, Celeste, give me the baby." He reached out his arms.

I pulled Life closer.

"Don't do this Celeste, let's not discourage things before they've even started." The anger slowly drained from his face as he rested his arms on the seat.

I rested my hand on the handle of his car and thought for a moment or two. I could very well get into the car with him, the choice that I had made from the moment I met him. I'm still not sure if I made the right choice by following him, but I've learned that it doesn't solve anything to live in regrets. I could have kept walking; I could have given him the finger and took my son with me, but the look in Rowan's eyes. The pleading and desperate look that wanted to be normal, to have a normal family and to live the normal life that he had so desperately wanted whether or not he admitted it. I wanted to give it to him, I wanted to be apart of his life and I guess I knew the chance I was taking as I opened the door.

"I'm sorry." I mumbled. He picked up speed, heading to my apartment.

We didn't talk the rest of the way home; Life fell asleep against my chest, his mouth slightly open, and a small sound coming from his mouth. He always looked so peaceful when he slept, he hadn't a care in the world and his beauty in the way he slept showed that greatly.

"Rowan, can we-"

"Put the baby down, okay?" He didn't look at me, forcing his eyes not to meet mine, brushing his hair away from his eyes.

I was scared, fear began to overwhelm me as I thought of the possibilities of what he was going to say. He nearly collapsed at the kitchen table, pushing his head through his hands. I set Life on my bed; stroking his soft hair I kissed his forehead and put supportive pillows near him to justify his safety.

I slowly approached Rowe; setting my hands on the top of the chair next to him, I cleared my throat.

"Sit down." He motioned.

I was about to cry, he was terrifying me.

"What is it?" My bottom lip trembled.

"We have to work on things."

I breathed in, dreading his next comment.

"I want to be a father, Celeste." He waited a minute before reaching his statement.

A smile formed on the corner of my lips.

"What, did you have doubts? I know for a while there you must have-"

"No, no…I didn't have doubts." I reached for his hand across the table and stroked it. A tear slipped down my cheek as I quickly brushed it away.

"Then why are you crying?" He looked concerned.

"I thought you were going to get mad at me." I began to cry, laughter flooding through along with my accent, which made it sound like just a mumble.

"No, no." He assured me, beginning to laugh and reaching for my other hand. "It just made me realize today when you got out the car that I could almost lose you as well as my son. He's the one person that will carry on a large part of me, he's more of me then anyone else will be in my lifetime and I don't want to even begin to lose that. I want him to know who I am so that when he is old enough he'll realize why he thinks the way he does…and why the habits are so hard to get rid of…and the laugh and pet peeves. I want him to think of them and know that they were from me. I want him to know me." He told me in desperation for me to understand, to smile and nod and to agree. I tried, but honestly, I couldn't begin to comprehend someone that would be like Rowan, someone that would have the same personality as Rowan. To me, Rowan was the most unique person in my life I couldn't imagine another. Even though I tried to ignore it, the thought still haunted me in the back of my mind that perhaps someday my son would fall into the same path that Rowan had and he would ruin his life the way that Rowan tended to.

"You're not with me, are you?" He pulled away a bit.

"No, I understand. It's wise, he'll love you no matter what, not because of what you do or all of the things you've accomplished but because you're his father. That will mean more to him then anything in his life."

"I hope so." He paused for a minute. "I just know I don't want to make the same mistake as my father made. I don't want to push him away or force him to change in order to get close to me. I want it to be a natural instinct…kind of like us…to want to be a part of each other's lives." He let go of my hands and sat, grinning at me from across the table. "Can we teach him things?" He began to get excited.

"Like what?" I smile slowly grew on my face.

"Like about animals and how important they are…and rainforests and family. How incredibly important family is. And music…that without music life is-"  
"Rowe…he can't even sit up on his own yet." I grinned. "Maybe you should think a bit smaller."

He thought for a moment.

"Well, maybe I can teach him how to hold a rattle or something. I don't know, but I'm going to be here to see it all so I guess it doesn't matter does it?" He sat, grinning anxiously at me, just the idea sending him full of glows over every inch of his face. Those were the moments that I most admired Rowan, for his genuine happiness of being a father. People have asked me if he was fake, if he didn't follow through with what he really believed in. Of course, my reaction to even the suggestion of that was anger, but after I settled down I would tell them that Rowan followed through with everything, no matter how small. If it was filling a pitcher with water after he had drunk the last of it to how dedicated he would be in becoming the characters themselves and becoming involved in them. Rowan was a determined person, sometimes that would cause him trouble, other times it would lead to satisfaction.

.25.

Spring began and brought with it were many trips to the Rowan's apartment. We decided that the more time we spent in one place, the more we fought over what to teach Life. We agreed that it would be random outings, random events, that it would be purely a friendship and he would be Life's dad.

Yet we enjoyed each other's company. The nights that he would hold Life while he fell asleep and then sit and talk for hours while Life slept in his arms. It was a very comforting feeling. He had become a companion that I only wished I could have had in my past. He had given me my son, given me his friendship and his love.

Rowan would leave, however, for weeks on end and not return. He told me Ellen had nothing to do with it, and that his movies were keeping him busy. I forced myself not to analyze and tried my best to ignore it. Rowan was a very busy person, and when he wasn't relaxing in Gainesville, he would visit friends in California or his family. It reached the point where he would come over while I got groceries or even cleaned, he would sit and watch Life trying to read and grasp every part of the boy and to remember it.

"Celeste!" Rowan bursts into my apartment one day while I was feeding Life. He didn't even glance at him.

"What?" I sat up.

"The stars…the stars are amazing. The whole atmosphere looks amazing. I wanted to show Life, let's take him out there, please?" He hurried over to my tiny veranda and opened the small doors and curtains.

"Rowan, he's almost asleep." I whined.

"Please." He motioned. I sat up and turned Life so that Rowan could hold him. Rowe took the baby and carried him over to the veranda. Holding him up a bit he began to mumble things in his ear, softly kissing his forehead. Life didn't move, didn't cry, and just let his eyes slowly lose focus and then close. "He fell asleep." Rowan grinned, maneuvering as to not wake the sleeping baby.

"He was tired." I responded, nodding my head.

Setting the baby next to me he sat on the bed and leaned forward a bit.

"How are you?" He asked.

"Fine…I'm fine." I situated Life so that he looked comfortable.

"You feeling okay?"

I shrugged.

"I need a job."

"Don't worry about that. You just take it easy until Life gets a bit older. I'm taking care of things now."

"Yeah, that's what I needed to talk to you about." I whispered.

He looked up at him, curious, yet knowing forming his response before I even said a word.

"I don't think you should pay my bills anymore. I really appreciate it, Rowe, but…I'm living on my own and you're hardly here anymore. Now, why pay for something that you hardly use?"

He looked hurt.

"I don't use anything here, Celeste."

"You know that's not what I meant." I quickly said, touching his arm.

"Maybe. But why can't you let me be the father, here? I want to take care of him and in order to do that I need to make sure he gets everything he needs to stay healthy."

"You don't think I could do that on my own?"

"Celeste-that's not-you know that-this is pointless."

It was quiet for a few minutes; I played with Life's soft hair, spinning it between my fingers.

"Things haven't been like this until tonight, what happened? I hate it when they are." I sighed, leaning my chin up against my hand my eyes still directed on Life.

"I don't know." He muttered, his voice soft and quiet.

"I miss you when you're gone." I pushed his hair away from his eyes.

"I do too." He smirked.

"Are you going to come back and visit later on this week?"

"I'm not sure…Ellen…Ellen has this insane idea that we're getting married." He rolled his eyes, sitting up so that he could talk in a normal voice.

"What?" I smiled, moving away from Life. "Elaborate, please…" I made my way off of the bed and onto the floor.

"It's nothing…I don't think anyway. She just expects to get married…as if it's going to happen whether or not I want it to."

"She obviously loves you."

"Yeah, I love her too."

"But…" I coaxed.

"But I don't want to spend the rest of my life with her. I have you." He ran a finger down my cheek.

"You have your son. She just wants settlement, Rowe. She's a lot older then you are."

"What, are you saying I should marry her?"

I gulped; forcing myself to nod my head but instead I slowly shook it.

"Then what are you saying?" He grinned.

"That you should be happy. And if she makes you happy then don't lose her, it's stupid to let go of things that make you happy, even the small things."

"What do you mean by the small things?" In the many conversations I'd had with Rowe, never once had he asked as many questions as he did then.

"Like…when I smoke a cigarette. I don't do it often, but when I do, it makes me happy."

He laughed for a bit, then laid on his back.

"It isn't right." He mumbled.

"Maybe not." I lay down next to him. "But maybe it is."

"How do you know this?" He glanced over at me.

"When you're forced to let things go in your life, it teaches you lessons."

"Right." He sighed. "I'm leaving…goodnight." He pecked my forehead and then stood up to leave. "Don't fall asleep on that floor, promise me Celeste."

I shrugged and closed my eyes. I felt him stand over me and nudge me with the tip of his foot.

"Celeste." He hissed. "Come on, the floor is hard." He put a grip on my arm, lifting me up, my whole body loose and tired. I didn't care where I was going as long as I could sleep.

.26.

Through out the next few days Rowan visited often, his glowing expressions and endless amazement at the baby were not just entertaining but also a joy to watch. He would talk endlessly to him, feeling his tiny feet and smoothing out the small patch of blond hair that sat upon his tiny head.

"Celee, are you going to feed Life organic milk?"

"Why would I do that?" I stopped what I was doing and looked down at the floor where he laid with Life.

"Well, because…it's not only good for him, but its what vegetarian's drink…is he going to be vegetarian, Celeste?"

"I haven't thought about it much, Rowe. I mean I'm still breast-feeding him…"

"Well, I understand…but when you stop, he'll be a vegetarian, right?"

"I want him to be healthy Rowe, he can choose whichever he wishes once he is old enough to understand the harmful treatment towards animals-"

"Celeste, we talked about this---he'll be taught French and practice vegetarianism. That's what we decided."  
"Rowan, he needs to be healthy and he's not healthy when he can't eat meat—"  
"But you said…" His teeth clenched he slammed his fist audibly on the table.

I began to laugh; quickly trying to cover it up I brought my hand to my mouth.

"Why are you laughing?" He looked confused, shocked maybe.

"We just had a fight about being parents. Rowan, this is normal. Everything's going to be fine." I reached for his arm and took it, smiling.

"Of…of course it is, Celee…I told you-"

"I know what you told me, Rowe…and I thank you for that. Let's take the baby to visit, Jake, okay? He hasn't seen him in a while…wouldn't you like that?" I pick up Life and cradled him in my arms, kissing his forehead.

"Yeah, okay, Celeste. Let's get his things."

We left the house around noon, Rowan controlling his urge for a cigarette and instead stuck a straw in his mouth, chewing on it.

"What are you wearing, Rowe?" I looked at him, moving Life from one arm to the next.

"What do you mean?" He looked down at his Indian style jacket, beads and fringe decorating the collar.

"Well…look at it." I couldn't help but let out a small laugh as Life demanded to look around, struggling to break free from my grip.

"What about it? I didn't buy my wardrobe for you, my lady, I found it and its comfortable and I'm wearing it."

"That's what I like about you, Rowan. Given, you could own any clothing item that you desired, but you choose to wear what's comfortable…what's you. And that's a good thing."

"And Life will do the same, right?"

"If you want him to. Excuse me." I passed an older woman, hobbling over her basket full of food.

"What a beautiful baby." The old woman stopped and brought her wrinkled hands to his face.

"Thank you." Rowan politely bowed a bit and then put his hand on my back and urged me on. "We're almost there, let's not draw attention to ourselves."

The comment forced me to briefly realize what we were doing. Walking down a street in a small town like Gainesville with someone like Rowan was exactly what he had not wanted, drawing attention to yourself. He, however, swallowed his pride and didn't even double think taking Life down to Jake's. I admired him more that day then I ever have. He truly was an amazing person.

"Hello, love." Jake hollered when we entered the near empty restaurant. It was more often used for evening activities then day activities. Which was fine, I loved going there any time.

"How are you?" I sat up on a stool.

"Well considering that this old body is getting tired with these old bones, I'm doing as good as I could be."  
"Are you sick?" I got concerned as Rowan took the baby from me, gently lifting him in the air and admiring his beauty.

"Nothing for you to worry your pretty little head about. Where are you of to today?" Without my response he turned to the baby. "Hello little one, come to your uncle Jake, how about it?" He took the baby from Rowan and gently rested him against his stomach.

"The beach." Rowan grinned, turning around in his stool.

"We are?" I laughed, looking over at him.

"Well, I thought it would be fun," He shrugged. "If you don't want to…that's fine, I'll take Life."

"No, I'll go. Knowing you, Life will probably have his first swimming lesson." I grinned, teasing him.

"Oh stop, I wouldn't do that. So are you coming or aren't you?" He stood up and anxiously moved his arms.

"Okay, okay…have a wonderful day, Jake. Perhaps Life and I will come back for breakfast or something." I gently scooped the baby from Jake's arms as Jake just waved his hand goodbye.

We left shortly after that, Rowan anxious and amused at his own idea.

"Make sure you bring an extra pair of clothes, in case he gets wet." He yelled from the kitchen as I rushed around my bedroom.

"Rowan, you aren't taking the baby into the water." I replied back, digging under my bed for a beach towel.

"Sure, I know. But just in case."

"In case what? He falls in?"

"Will you hurry up already!" Rowan yelled.

Satisfied, I let out a sigh as I walked back into the kitchen.

.27.

"Hold him still, or else the picture won't turn out." I sat on the sand, my hair blowing in the way of the lens. I had on a bathing suit, something I had vowed to never wear again after I had Life. Somehow, unknown to me, Rowan had talked me into wearing it, assuring me that I looked beautiful. Life lay in a diaper, Rowan leaning over the small child and kissed his forehead slowly and softly. Rowan had on light pants, a white tank top and suspenders holding the pants up. They were amusing, a straw hat keeping the sun out of both of their eyes.

"Read for a bit, will you Celeste?" Rowan squinted, turned on his back and lay next to Life, taking off his hat and using it to shield the sun.

"Read what?" I laughed, taking a few more pictures with the old camera that my grandfather had given to me when I was a child. It had been his, but it still worked decently well.

Without a word Rowan pulled out a book from the small bag.

"Where did you find that?" My breath was gone as I felt blood pounding in my ears.

"On the bookshelf." Rowan tossed it to me as it landed in my lap.

"No, Rowe. I haven't read that in a long time. Let's not open it, okay?"

"Why not? I'm sure that Life would enjoy hearing the story. He needs to get educated—"  
"What, like you were?" I suddenly became bitter, setting the camera next to me.

"No. I wasn't educated, Celeste. And look how I turned out. That's why he needs to be."  
"Rowan," I started.

"No, you're right. I'm not defending myself. Read the book, will you? Maybe he'll take a nap."  
I picked up the warn covers of the book my father had read to me over and over, constantly using beautiful and clear French. I hadn't planned on reading the book to my children once I left my house.

"There once was a small child that lived far in the city of Paris with his momma and poppa…" I continued for nearly an hour, letting the words slide with the soft breeze that hit us as we lay on the blanket. I stopped briefly; looking up I saw Rowan and Life, both asleep. I slowly maneuvered myself as I set the book down. I crawled on the other side of the baby, resting my head on my arm.

"Hey," Rowan whispered, touching his hand against my arm. I opened my eyes and saw him as he swung his head slowly as to move the strands of hair away from his face. "It was a good story."

"It was old." I looked down at the sleeping baby.

"It was something your father read, wasn't it?"

I slowly nodded.

"Have you called him?"

"No." I responded, bringing my other hand and running it down Life's tiny arm.

"You should call him." He cleared his throat. "What I've learned the most in this month and a half of being a father is that without that addition to my life, without knowing that someone would someday want to look like me and talk like me…without that my life would have not been complete. He makes my life complete. Don't force your father to miss out on that."

"He forced me to make a choice, Rowe. You don't know what you're talking about."

"I'd like to." He leaned closer, scooting next to the baby.

I paused, debating on whether or not to continue.

"He didn't love me, Rowan. I knew about his affair and it killed him that I held a secret like that. I held it over his head, threatening to tell momma whenever he would make me angry. Finally, he had enough. He began to threaten me. He had more affairs, hated me, and drove my mother to try to commit suicide. My father was not one that wanted to be loved by his child, not like you are. Though, I wish I could tell them about you. Tell them about Life and about my house…about the job I'm working towards. I wish I could tell them about myself."

"You can."

"You know…I'm not sure if I want to. I'm happy where I am now. I have my son and…you."

"Yes, you have me." He smiled genuinely, a smile that you give to assure your best friend. "Always." He whispered.

I nodded, relaxed.

"You should call him someday though…settle things."

"Maybe."

He let out a sigh.

"What is it?" I opened my eyes. "You have to away again, don't you?" I laughed slightly to myself.

"It's a new film…different from what I've been doing. It's a good project, a sturdy project. I'm taking a break after this to be a father…"

"Do you have to cut your hair?" I grinned, messing with his mop like head of hair.

He shrugged, smiling.

"Yes."

"How short?"

"Oh, not that short…my character is kind of ridiculous. Funny, however…you'll be amused. You both will. Anyway, shooting doesn't begin until after August, September even, I was just informed about it." He gently scooped the sleeping baby's head into the palm of his hand.

"Do you want to swim?" He scooted up and slipped his straw hat back on.

"No way." I laughed, hushing him.

"Oh, come on." He reached for my hand.

"Rowan, who will stay with the baby?"

"That obese woman over there…come on, won't you?" He pleaded, sliding into the sand and onto his knees.

"No…now stop pushing it." I tried to sound stern, but the look on his face made me laugh.

"Alright." He shrugged and tore off his hat and his suspenders, running down the sand in his pants. He dove into the ocean, letting out a piercing yell, letting everyone on the beach know that he had entered the water. It was amusing to watch him swim, the satisfaction that he would get out of being in the peaceful water.

We drove home in silence as I fed Life. The windows were all open, allowing the breeze to enter the car and permitting us to feel refreshed and relaxed. The baby made small noises, hungry and satisfied. Rowan stretched his arm across the back of the seat and drove smoothly, the highway empty yet stretching long.

"Now was that so bad?" He looked over at me with a small smirk on his lips, trying to give a sarcastic remark.

"It was wonderful." I assured him.

"I need a smoke. I haven't had one for over four hours." Rowan anxiously tapped on the stirring wheel.

"It's your decision." I mumbled, fixing the baby so that I could burp him.

Without another word he brought the cigarette to his lips and lit it, exhaling the smoke.

"The filming doesn't start for a while. But I think I'm going into the studio before then. You know, do some recording before I leave again. But for now, more then ever, the family is my main focus." He slid his finger down the side of my face as I smiled.

"And Ellen?" I began to feed Life again.

"Ellen and I are taking a break." He sighed. "She wants to have some time to think, but I'm sure she'll end up calling me by the end of the week. What about you?"

"What do you mean?" I shook my head.

"Are you…seeing anyone?" He struggled to balance keeping his eyes on the road and glancing over at me.

I laughed.

"No. I can't take breaks, I'm a full time mom, Rowan."  
"Are you saying that I'm not a full time father?" He looked over at me, frustrated.

"No. I'm saying that when he's hungry you aren't he one that will help him to stop crying…and that's not your fault." I laughed.

"I'm glad we're doing this Celeste." He slid his hand across the seat and took mine.

"I am too." I whispered, looking out the window.

The silence is long, never ending.

"Do you want to come see us play this weekend?" He let go of my hand to turn the wheel.

"Where are you playing?" I coughed as the baby stirred in front of me.

"A town about twenty miles away, just some charity event. Please come, Celee."

"Oh I don't know, Rowan. I need to find a job."

"Yorke can watch the baby. Please?"

"Rowe-"

"Celeste, this is all I'm asking from you." He pleaded, turning into our parking lot.

"I'll be there."

"Great, thank you." He pecked my cheek and got out of the car, rushing over to the open the door for me.

.28.

I stepped into the smoked filled room, the atmosphere drowning me in the smell of marijuana and alcohol. I saw a few people in the corner, obviously loaded and waiting to shoot up again. I saw Iris in the corner, smoking a cigarette. She waved, coaxing me over near her.

"Hey you." She messed with her curly hair.

"What's up?" I sat on a stool next to her, biting my lip, forcing myself not to ask for a smoke.

"Nice place, huh? Yeah, last time we agree to something over the phone." She laughed. "Want a smoke?"

I slowly shook my head.

"Oh, right, you're trying to stop." She laughed at me, mockingly. "I just saw Rowan a couple minutes ago. Do you want me to find him?"

"No, I'll look for him. Good luck tonight, I'm cheering for you."  
"Yeah, right. I need a drink." She shrugged and approached the bar.

I did find Rowan, about ten minutes later, stumbling in the back of the room.

"Hey, can I have some money for a drink?" I walked up to him, holding out my hand.

"Huh? Yeah." He mumbled, his words nearly incoherent.

"What are you doing?" I grabbed his chin and pulled it up so that I could see his face. His eyes were blood shot, nearly turning circles. I grabbed his arm and brought it up to my face to see the marks that scattered themselves in the inside of the cress on his elbow. "Are you crazy! You're about to go onstage, Rowan! What is your problem?" I gripped his elbow as he winced in pain.

"Damnit, Celeste, let go of me. You're not my…mother." He stumbled past me and bumped into the chairs. I walked over to him and put my arm around him, setting my chin on his shoulder.

"Are you okay?" I whispered.

He shook his head.

"This…its spinning, Celee…I can't…I feel like I'm in slow motion but everything's moving so fast. Why does it hurt?" He grabbed his head and squinted his eyes.

I sat him down and walked over to get Iris.

"He's high, Iris." I pointed over to his limp body against the table.

"What? No, he has to sing!" She got angry, running over to him. I watched her mutter a few words to him, get angry with him and obviously look hurt, bringing her cigarette to her mouth every few seconds. She stormed past him and into the bathroom. I approached him.

"Will you take me home?" He looked up at him and squinted his eyes as if the dim lighting in the room was hurting him.

I sighed, nearly feeling sorry for him. Though that was something that I promised myself I would never do. I never wanted to feel sorry for Rowan. Sure, I loved him, but I never wanted to feel sorry for him.

"Come on." I put my arm around him to guide him out the door. "What did she say?" I asked him while we walked to my small car.

"To leave." He coughed.

"Was she angry?"

"Didn't she look angry?" He laughed then went into another coughing fit.

We drove in silence for the few minutes. He sat; slumped over in the seat next to me, finally pulling out a cigarette he gripped his arm with pain.

"I don't do it because it makes me feel better." He spoke softly, as if he was talking to himself.

"Rowan, you don't have to talk now if you don't want to." I looked over at him, putting an assuring hand over his.

"No, I want to." He pulled away from my grip. "Sure, it feels nice but not at first. At first it burns…it burns my arm, as if it's slicing through my blood, cutting through it like a knife. It's a habit, Celeste. That's all it is. I get my enjoyment out of shooting up, what does that have to say about me? What if Life found out? I don't…I don't want to disappoint people. But why shouldn't I? I mean I'm just like every other typical actor in Hollywood. So hell, why not? I'm…typical, aren't I?" He cried freely, sitting up as the tears slipped down his dirty cheeks.

"Rowan, you're not typical. You're just confused."  
"Big difference. I'm not the only one confused in there, Celeste. I meet a lot of people…a lot of guys…and they're all confused too. When I go to California there's a lot of stuff that I do that you don't know about and I know that if you found out you wouldn't talk to me again."

"Rowan, stop it, we promised. We wouldn't bring the outside world into our lives."

"No Celeste, if I'm already disappointing you enough to treat me like a child then why shouldn't I disappoint you more? I mean, I want you to know what I do when I'm not with you. I want you to know the real me." He scooted closer, his voice rising in volume.

"Stop it, please." I gripped the stirring wheel, trying my hardest not to cry.

"This isn't anything compared to what I do there. I shoot up a lot, a lot more then I should. I get drunk, I wake up in places I don't even remember going to, I wake up with people I don't even remember meeting. I wake up with guys that I don't even remember seeing. I do a lot of things that if you knew Celeste, you'd be disgusted. You'd rather die then touch me again. I'm a dirty and a stupid, Celeste. I might as well be dead. That's how worthless I am."

I couldn't stop my tears as they streamed down my face. Not only was I terrified, but guilty. Guilty for hiding the problems away for so long, I knew he wasn't doing well, that he was struggling but I never knew it was this bad. He had changed, like everyone, but he had changed for the worst and sometimes I wondered if there was any hope. I knew, however, that he hardly knew what he was saying and that he was giving information that if he was completely there he would have never given. He was sick and he needed help.

"Do you hate me?" He sobbed, choking on his words.

"No, I don't hate you." I looked over at him and with a sweep like motion I ran my hand down his cheek.

It was silent as he cried to himself.

"You never went and got help, did you Rowe?" I looked over at him, trying to control my urge for tears.

"Sure I did," He shrugged. "But what good does that do? Just like my father I'll fall into the trap as soon as I get out. You know, I thought I'd be okay without you around. But I just can't stop missing you."

I wiped at my cheeks, trying to shield my tears as best as possible.

"Do you miss me?" He asked.

I nodded.

"Sometimes. In the morning when I wake up, sometimes I look over to see you, but you're not there."  
"I'm so sorry." He scooted closer and hung his head as the tears slipped onto the seat.

"Rest, Rowan. You must be tired." I put my hand through his hair and rested it on his head. He shrugged and pulled away, leaning up against the door.

We didn't say another word until we reached my apartment. I carried his jumbled body up the steps and into my room. Swinging open the door, Yorke rushed to our sides.

"What happened?" He hissed, checking Life lying on my bed and grabbing Rowe.

"He's just tired." I rubbed at my eyes, the emotional incident affecting me.

"Come here," Yorke guided me into the room and helped Rowan onto the couch. I took a blanket from a cupboard and drew it across him, pushing his hair away from his face.

"Are you okay?" Yorke looked up at me.

I shrugged, itching at my nose and walking towards the veranda.

"Cel?" He walked towards me, crossing his arms behind me. "He's…loaded, isn't he?" He whispered.

I nodded, beginning to cry again.

"It's okay, he does it a lot…um…I don't know if you were aware of this, but-"

"I know that he's addicted, Yorke. You should have heard him, the things he said." I lost it, bursting into sobs. Yorke enfolded his arms around me from behind me and comforted me. I put my hand on his arm and tried to control myself. "I wish I could help." I stopped crying briefly and looked over at Rowan's younger brother.

"You already are, Celeste." He assured me. "You once told me to love Rowan no matter what, unconditionally. If it was anyone else, they would have stopped by now, but you Celeste. You have loved him no matter what."

"I'm not that great, Yorke." I looked away, shaking my head.

"Yes you are." He said quickly. I looked at him, surprised at his comment. "And if he doesn't see that, then I will." He leaned forward, slowly, resting his lips gently on mine.

"Yorke." I pulled away and looked at the ground, biting my bottom lip.

"Celeste, my brother is stupid for…using you the way he is. He doesn't deserve you…you're too amazing for him." He touched my cheek, sliding his hand down it.

"Yorke. I care about you, you're a wonderful friend." He kissed me again, this time bringing his hands around my back. "But I can't love you." I pulled away from his grasp and set my hand on his shoulder

."Right. What was I thinking?" He turned around, embarrassed. "I need to get away." He looked back at me. "He really doesn't deserve you, Celeste, but maybe I don't either." He pecked my cheek and then walked towards the door. "You going to be alright tonight?" He reached for his jacket.

I nodded.

"Call me if you need anything. Good night." He opened the door and slowly left. I stood there for at least ten minutes trying to comprehend the last hour.

.29.

I awoke with Rowan next to me, his head resting gently next to my lap my neck bent to the side as I used my shoulder to rest my head on. My mouth hung open, drool escaping from my lips and onto my shirt. I felt my whole body become tense as I moved slowly as to not wake him. He lay on his stomach; his body sprawled across my bed. I got up and walked across the room to get breakfast started.

"Celeste." He mumbled.

I stopped midway and turned around to look at him.

"Thank you." He crawled out of bed in his small shorts, walking past me to pick up his jeans. He slid one leg in them and then the other. "I have one hell of a hangover though. It feels like a hammer…anyway, I'll be back later this afternoon, okay? Even though you didn't have to do—"

"Rowan, what about breakfast?"

"I'm not hungry." He concluded simply.

"But…but I let you sleep in my bed." I hissed at him, desperately trying not to wake Life.

"Thank you." He repeated.

"I can't believe you. Forget it, just go." I mumbled, pushing my hair away from my face and turning away from him.

"What did you want me to do, Celeste? Stay here for oatmeal while we talk over hot tea? I have plans, I have a schedule that-"

"A schedule that allows you to do this to yourself?" I flung his arm in front of his face and threw it against him.

"Come on, I thought you would understand." He begged. "Listen, I'm sorry Celeste."

"If you're sorry then you'd stop." I crossed my arms as I heard Life begin his noises that alerted me that his day had begun.

"It's…its really not that easy." He shook his head and struggled with his hands.

"Sure it isn't, Rowe. That is until you try." I explained, picking Life out of bed.

"Don't give me this. I don't need this. Goodbye Celeste." He opened the door and slammed it, sending the dishes in the sink to rattle slightly. I pulled Life closer as a chill went down my back; I hated it when he left that way. Rowan didn't return that day or the next for that matter, but kept his distance in attempt to somehow prove himself to me.

When he did return he was in a rush and had his day planned out. It was a little after ten and I set Life down on my bed, his head instantly turning to reach out for the lace from my skirt that sat on the bed. I struggled to keep his legs still as I tugged and pulled, trying to maneuver pants on the child. I bit my lip as he made baby noises, throwing his hands all about in an attempt to move.

"Good morning." Rowan rushed in, an old pair of pants and a thin tearing t-shirt sat on his shoulders, his hair uncombed and laying flat yet wavy near the end, it didn't look like it'd been brushed in a while.

"He decides to return…see that Lifey? Your father decided to come back." I ignored Rowan's outburst by scooping Life into my arms and patting his bottom, sliding my hands up and down his back rubbing it softly.

"Not for you, for my son. I have plans." He looked at me and smirked slightly.

"Plans for what?" I raised an eyebrow, trying my hardest not to be offended.

He reached for Life and took him from my arms, setting him in front of him against his chest and stuck out his lips, pecking the baby's forehead.

"To take my son on a little trip." He situated Life in the curve of his forearm and then turned to me. "I promised Ellen." He shrugged.

I felt like someone had just kicked me in the stomach, sending jolts of pain throughout my entire body. This was no way to get even.

"Ellen?" I hardly got out, swallowing hard as to keep back my frustration.

"Yeah," He gave me a weird look. "Celeste, come on, don't be like this. I want her to meet the most important person in my life right now. She doesn't have to know he's mine." He walked over near the table and began to pick up random things, putting them in a bag. "I told her it was my cousin visiting with my aunt from Chicago. She thinks I adore the child and want him to come along for the day. She's fine with it."

"She'd have to be completely stupid not to see it, Rowan." I walked solemnly forward and rested my hand on the chair, trying to keep my balance.

"Why's that?" He glared at me. "She trusts me."

"Well I don't understand why." I muttered, looking down at my hands as I hit my fingernail against the wood of the chair.

"Celeste, this isn't your decision. I've already decided and I'm taking my son out for the day to spend it with Ellen."

It was as if he twisted the knife even further. I was unsure at that moment if he knew exactly what he was doing. I wondered if he was aware of the wall that he was putting up between us, and the pain that he was causing me. If so, did he even care?

"Okay? Now stop being so selfish and think of it as a day off, I'll bring him home tomorrow. He'll be fine, don't worry." He assured me by patting my arm as if I was a pet dog.

"Can I see him?" I asked when Rowan was just steps away from the door. I turned and walked towards the two and took the baby from his arms. "Don't hurt him." I kissed the baby gently.

"Celeste, why on earth would I hurt him?" Rowan scowled at me, tightening his lips.

"Make sure he knows the truth, Rowe. You can lie to everyone else but don't lie to your own son." I didn't whine, or sound like I was about to burst into tears though I felt like I was. I handed the baby back, swallowing the sobs that were choking me.

"Oh, come on Celee. Don't give me that." He took the baby and opened the door, walking out. I closed it behind him and then hit it again and again, allowing my anger to escape through the pounds as I burst into tears, frustrated at the fact that I knew I couldn't stop him, try as hard as I could I couldn't have stopped him from taking Life. It was Rowan's pride and dignity and to take that away would have pushed him away further. Then I wondered why I wanted him to come back to haunt his son, constantly reminding me of the love that we had. I loved Life with every fiber in my being, but Rowan was right, I needed a break. Maybe not a full time break but definitely one to remind me that I wasn't over forty and I didn't need to devote my life to laundry, work and parenting. I was still young.

I walked back into the kitchen and composed myself, running my hand under my nose to stop the excess tears. I sat my hands against the kitchen table and leaned forward a bit, glancing around. I rushed to the cupboard and threw open the doors, sliding onto the floor on my knees and pulled out the alcohol that I hadn't touched for months. I opened it, freeing the cap from the bottle and letting it slide onto my tongue and burn my throat. I squeezed my eyes, feeling a rush of relief come over me. I indulged myself in the bottle and after that I had another one until every last ounce was completely gone. I roamed around my apartment debating on whether or not to greet the day.

I heard a knock at the door around eleven, a voice carrying itself in after it. I didn't move from my curled position on the couch but just looked at the door, yearning for it to open magically on its own. I stumbled over the door and swung it open and walking backwards I tripped over my own two feet, sending myself to the floor.

"Celeste?" Yorke looked surprised as he quickly fell to his knees and put out an arm to help me up. I gripped the side of it and tried to sit up but failed, going into a fit of giggles.

"I tripped." I snorted, throwing my head back in laughter.

A grin formed on his face as he shook his head, putting his arm underneath my back.

"Have you been drinking?" He mused to himself and then took all of my weight and put it on himself.

"Just a little bit." I put up my fingers with a tiny space between them and struggled to get out as I walked next to him, not realizing how much he was supporting me. I laughed as he set me on the couch and turned me to face him. He shook his head at me and then moved a piece of hair away from my cheeks. He rested his hand on the side of my head and laughed slightly to himself.

"You are…extremely drunk." He laughed to my face and then rested his arm on the back of the couch, lightly touching my shoulder. I leaned forward, feeling as though I was unable to keep my own head up and sunk the tip of my head against his chest.

"The world…is spinning." I laughed. "Do you have days like that, Yorke?" I looked up at him so that my lips neared his chin. He pulled back slightly and tried to look down at me.

"Every day." He muttered, unsure of what to do at that moment. Most people forget how they act when they're drunk, but I seem to remember everything but in much more detail then I do other things. I remember that day clearer that a lot of the hardest days I've had in my life. Yet at the time I had no idea what I was doing. I leaned forward quickly and kissed him or at least his chin. I pecked it a couple times and then laughed, a cackle kind of sound that comes out when your neck isn't strait and it sounds like its coming from the pit of your stomach.

"Yorke?"

He turned me around so that my ear rested against his chest. I felt him tense up, nervous as if he didn't know how to comprehend the moment.

"Hm?" He said quickly.

"Yorke…what kind of a name is Yorke? I mean, what were your parents thinking? That they were having a peppermint patty?" I let out another snort and curled closer into his chest, laughing harder. "But then again, they named their first child Rowan and maybe they figured that if they tried something even weirder then that then they'd have more luck!" I stopped myself and brought my hand quickly to my mouth. "Oops, I am so sorry." I said through my hand.

"No, its okay. It's fine." He assured me. I felt his voice echo through his chest as I curled closer, putting myself gently between his legs I felt him sit up straighter, nearly moving closer to the end of the couch.

"My parents named me Celeste after some French painter. You know, Yorke sounds a lot more like a painter name then Celeste. Celeste sounds like some stone in the ocean or something. Some stone that no one ever sees. That's what I am, I suppose. Something in the bottom of the ocean that no one will ever see." I laughed at my own joke. "Do you see me, Yorke?" I sat up and smiled at him.

"Sure I see you." He nodded slowly.

"Well, what do you see?" I laughed, sitting higher as I presented myself.

"I see a girl."

I opened my eyes and glared at him.

"A woman, who knows little of what she can do with her amazing talents and…cute quirks." He laughed to himself. "I see someone who's scared, scared of what she can lose in the process but yet aware of what she can receive. I see her hurt, discouraged, but too frightened to lose what she needs to in order to receive what she deserves." He looked away, embarrassed by his speech a small blush appearing on his cheeks. I haven't seen Yorke look that way since that day. I let out a small laugh and blushed a small bit myself as I leaned closer, slowly setting my lips on his. I didn't realize what I was doing, but I'm sure that even if I did I would have done it at that moment. While I was kissing him I tried my hardest to block out everything about Rowan and everything that I had experienced with him. I put my hands gently on the back of his head and pulled him closer to me, struggling to break free he reached for the armrest of the couch and pulled away, letting out a breath of regret he looked at the ground.

"I can't, Celeste. He's my brother." He slowly brought his eyes to mine.

"Rowan has nothing to do with this," I moved myself on my knees next to him and rested my hand on the couch.

"Sure he does. It's because of him I met you." He tried to assure both him and myself.

"He doesn't love me." I shook my head, discouraged.

"But do you love him?" Yorke asked quickly, squinting his eyes a bit.

"I'm not sure." I turned so that I was sitting directly next to him. "But that's not what I care about." I patted his leg and then stood up nearly stumbling over the coffee table. Yorke caught my arm and pulled me towards him, holding my balance. "I'm very drunk, Yorke."  
"Yeah?" He grinned slightly.

"I can't believe I got so drunk." I whined, turning to face him.

"Well," He mumbled, the silence becoming slightly awkward.

"Have you ever gotten…" I cleared my throat. "This so drunk?" I asked. Pushing past him I made my way across the room and into the bathroom.

"Celeste," I heard his voice behind me as I entered the bathroom and turned on the faucet allowing sprinkles of water to stream out of the shower. I climbed inside, my clothes still attached to me as I sat down letting the warm water slide down my cheeks and flattening my hair, my shoulder slumped I let out a long sigh as I felt the warm moisture against my dry lips. "What…are you doing?" He leaned down in front of me and positioned himself closer to me. He reached over to turn the faucet off, but I grabbed his hand and tugged on it. He reluctantly climbed in front of me and sat, facing me, crossing his own legs as his knees propped themselves against the side of the tub. "Are you okay?" An amused look covered his face. I brought my eyes to his, squinting to avoid direct contact with them and the water.

"You know, Life is my son. He's my baby and to think that Ellen is spending the day with him angers me, in…in fact it pisses me off! Who is she to come into my life and…mess everything up?" I'm moving my hands around causing separate water eruptions mounting from my fists. "I bet you anything she's sitting there right now with Rowan and my child, thinking that this could be a perfect family." I looked up at Yorke, a desperate look covering my face. "But I want the perfect family, Yorke." My lips quivered as I shook with tears. "I want the white picket fence and the dog that the kids call Nana. I want everything but then some girl has to come along and take that away from me." I leaned over and rested my head in my hands as the water ran down my arms and onto the bottom of the tub. It wasn't until then that I actually noticed how wet my pants and shirt was. I let out a long sigh and then put my hand on Yorke's calf, rubbing it gently. "Why…why are you here again?" I mumbled, trying to unsuccessfully move my hair away from being attached to my cheeks.

"Well, I just wanted to make sure that you were okay…I mean, you didn't seem okay last night and…" With one gentle movement of his hand he moved the hair away from my cheek.

I patted his leg again and leaned forward a bit.

"Well, thanks but I'm fine. How are you?" I laughed at my own joke, a hiccup escaping from my mouth.

"I can't really complain, I guess." He began to create a puzzle between our fingers causing me to become shaky. He moved his fingers around mine, softly rubbing them. "But I was thinking about the kiss last night and…and I was thinking that maybe it wasn't such a mistakes and…maybe if I did it again you wouldn't pull away."

My eyes became sharp as I looked up at him and struggled to see his face clearly. He came closer and rested his hands on my shoulder and pulling me towards him, kissing me tenderly. The water dispersed so that it slid down Yorke too, allowing water to splash nearly everywhere.

I could have stopped myself, but I saw no wrong in what I was doing. I put my hands on his cheek and brought him as close as I possibly could. I slowly drew my hands down from his cheeks and against his beige buttons that attached themselves to his damp shirt. I slowly began to unbutton them one by one when he moved away, detaching his lips from mine he shook his head in protest.

"What?" I moved closer.

He looked around and stood up and out of the bathtub, then reached for my hand. I unsteadily maneuvered myself out of the tub and watched as he reached for a towel. He flung it over my shoulders and pulled me towards him while kissing me. I nudged him backwards towards the bed, stumbling over our own feet we landed flatly and awkwardly on the bed. I struggled to remove my drenched shirt over my head. He smoothed my hair gently and kissed my cheek, allowing me to unbutton the rest of his shirt.

"Celeste," He whispered.

"What is it?" I asked, sliding off of him and allowing him to unbutton his jeans.

"You don't have to…to do this, to prove anything or…"  
"No," I quickly looked at him, putting my hand on his cheek. "Yorke, I'm not doing this to prove anything." I removed my hand and laid flat on the bed. "I'm drunk, does that bother you?"

He struggled to remove his pants as he took a hold of the sheets and pulled them around him. His breathing became short as he put his arm around my waist, sitting sideways.

"No, not at all." He pecked my cheek as I turned to face him, looking desperately into his sunken eyes, his finger resting gently on his lip.

"Are you scared?" I asked, running my hand slowly through his hair.

He quickly shook his head.

"But…what about Rowan?" He mumbled, looking anywhere but in my eyes.

"What about him?" I whispered and curled closer to him, nudging myself beneath him as we kissed and made love for the rest of the day.

I was surprised at how powerful Yorke was in bed, despite what many may think about the inexperienced younger aged males, at that moment, rolling against the needless sheets I felt his hunger for more. I felt as though I was depriving him of what he truly should have. He was satisfying me in every sexual way possible, but yet I could not give him what he truly wanted. My heart belonged to someone else and in that sense I was using him. After a while I began to feel disgusted with myself.

"Wait, what are you doing?" I knew this would be wrong, but I stopped

It was around four in the afternoon when I felt Yorke move next to me. My eyes grew wide as I jolted up, slamming my hand into the empty space next to me. He turned his head and let out a long sigh, still sleeping. I lay back down and turned on my side just watching him sleep. I saw the sunlight shine through the closed blinds to inform me of the time of day as I felt hunger evolve in my stomach due to the lack of lunch. I bit my bottom lip as I tried to contemplate what I just done. Sure, I cared a lot about Yorke. But I had been extremely drunk. I had started the day out wrong and then Yorke had to show up. He was younger, but far from vulnerable. I was aware of his feelings and I was sure I had feelings for him but I couldn't help but be aware of the tiny part of me that asked the question if I was doing this because I cared about Yorke or if I was doing this because Rowan had stolen my baby so that he could go and play family with his girlfriend. Then the thought occurred to me for the first time since I found out about Ellen Davis. Rowan was in love with someone; she was whom he shared his nights with, his love with, his smokes with. Though I had explained to him that I was okay with it that ours was completely different from those of the outside world, but had I lied to him? At one point in time, whether or not that time be now, I was in love with Rowan and whether or not I wanted to admit it we had a child together and that was a constant reminder in itself. But who was to say that I couldn't have that too. There were no rules or laws over the idea of me being in love with someone else. I was sure that I wasn't in love with Yorke and maybe I had just reacted on the unstable emotions to alcohol, but I had no reason to believe that I had made a mistake. It was at that exact moment that I felt an intense pounding in my head.

"What time is?" I heard Yorke grumble as he rolled over in his sleep. Like I had, his reaction was very similar as he jolted up and propped himself on his elbows looking over at me, his eyes wide and confused.

"It's just a little after four." I struggled to see the clock, putting my hand on my head in pain.

"Is it?" He breathed awkwardly.

"Yorke, are you okay?" I grinned removing my hand.

"Yeah, sure I'm okay. Are you okay?" He responded and turned on his back, setting his hand underneath his head. "Does it always make you that exhausted?" He smirked, looking over at me.

"Depends." I shrugged. "My head feels like a volcano is about to erupt. Do you want something to eat? I'm starving." I set my hands on the sheet. He struggled to sit up and wrap the sheet around his waist, eager to reach for his jeans.

"Celeste?" He slipped on his jeans by the other side of the bed.

"You don't have to get up, Yorke. I'll make it." I assured him, reaching for my robe.

"No, you rest, I'll get you some medicine to make you feel better, but that's not what I was going to say." He kept his back to me as he slipped on his shirt. He lay back down next to me, turning on his side he slid his hand underneath the pillow and looked at me tenderly. "Maybe we shouldn't tell Rowan about this."

I nodded, agreeing with him.

"Maybe not, huh."

"I'm just not sure…if he would understand." Yorke sat back up and got up from the bed.

I didn't move or respond to what Yorke said, but remained in the bed contemplating all that this knowledgeable man had just spoken to me. It wasn't that he was scared of what Rowan would do if he found out, he just wasn't sure if his brother would understand. Sometimes I wondered how someone could care so much for another person. Especially between Rowan and Yorke.

He brought me a bowl of blueberries and some hot tea. I sat and shared them with him as we talked about films and at the time the media that had surrounded us. We discussed Life and what to do with him when school would approach, we also talked of vacations and getaways that we had once dreamed of having.

"Alaska. My father once told me that the most remote and solitude place to stay at was in Alaska. I can't even begin to count how many times I've yearned for that." He laughed a bit. "What about you?"

"Ireland. My father used to tell me that he would take me there for a whole summer. Needless to say, we never went, but he'd still put me to sleep at night with stories about Ireland…filled with history and the beautiful people that roamed the streets, greeting you with kisses and sharing their love when they hardly knew you." I stopped myself before I went too far. "Anyway, it probably wasn't true. Have you ever been to Ireland, Yorke?"

He shook his head; a blueberry perched between his lips. "Costa Rica…Caracas…we experienced countless South American adventures. My father moved back to England…he asked me to go and live with him and I've really begun to consider the idea."

I quickly drew my eyes to him, surprised at his notion.

"Is that where you want to go to get away?" I asked slowly, sipping on my tea.

"I'm planning on it. I haven't told anyone yet…not mother or Rowe. I just want to escape, you know? I've done a few films, enough to take a break from. I want to experience truth…I can't seem to find it here in the cluttered and polluted North America." His voice hinted a bit of sarcasm, yet he seemed so determined.

"Well I hope that whatever you're looking for that you find it, Yorke." I moved a bit closer. "Either way, I'm happy I got to share this with you." I took a long sip from my tea.

"Really?" A smile spread broadly across his face.

I nodded, grinning as I reached for my robe and wrapped it around myself.

"I'm just not sure how frequent we can make these." I took the empty bowl from his hands.

Little did I know that that day would begin the short adventure that Yorke and I would share, secretly letting go of our passion until he would leave for England. Nothing was ever established, it just seemed to keep us grounded, allowed us room to have fun.

When Rowan returned back with Life it was a little after seven. I had begun to take up some stitches I needed to fix on my shirt while Yorke busied himself with the laundry, volunteering himself to fold it.

"He's exhausted." Rowan brought the small child over to me to display the tiny arm that flung itself over Rowan's, his mouth slightly open as he slept peacefully. I saw then how much Life had begun to grow; a personality was forming along with hair and sturdy legs and neck. I was falling more in love with this boy.

"Set him on my bed." I motioned. I stood up and walked to the kitchen where Yorke was folding laundry and as Rowan approached us in the kitchen I suddenly felt a strange feeling in my stomach. For that moment, I felt like I was fifteen again around my first crush right after my best friend had told him I liked him. I snuck a look at Yorke who franticly folded the clothes, piling them neatly on the table.

"How was your day?" Rowan walked over to the refrigerator and took out an apple.

"Fine." Yorke quickly replied.

"It was fine, just fine." I answered shortly after.

"Good." Rowan stopped and looked at us both and with a shrug of his shoulders walked towards the door. "Celeste, thank you for letting me take Life today. Ellen adored him."  
"When did Ellen see him?" Yorke looked up at his brother. I flinched, praying that he wouldn't say anything else.

"Today." Rowan replied, leaning against the door.

"Well why the hell would you do a thing like that, Rowe?" Yorke shook his head.

"What are you…talking about?" A confused look covered Rowan's face.

"I don't know, I guess I just don't see a reason for you to take Celeste's baby and show him off to someone like Ellen."  
"Do you have a problem with Ellen, Yorke?" Rowan closed the door tightly.

"Well, no…I guess I don't know her."  
"Right, you bet your ass you don't know her. Are you okay Yorke? Do you want to talk about it?" Rowan walked over to his brother and set his hand sternly on his shoulder, struggling to catch Yorke's eyes.

"There's nothing to talk about, forget about it." Yorke tried to pull away, staring at the article of clothing that sat in his hands.

"If there was anything, you'd tell me, right Yorke?" Rowan asked. I turned around and began to wash my dishes, wanting to block the discussion out of my mind.

"Sure I would." Yorke shrugged. I let a fork hit the bottom of the sink as it let out a loud noise.

"Good, then everything's fine. Good-bye Celeste, I'll talk to you later. I'll call you, Yorke." He then proceeded to the door, opening it and softly closing it.

"Why couldn't I stick up for you?" Yorke nearly collapsed on the table, slouching over against it in frustration.

"Stop it, you shouldn't have said anything. You don't have to, Yorke. I'm okay, really. I can take care of myself." I tried to assure him gently putting my hand on his shoulder.

"But I wanted to…I have to go, Celeste. I'll talk to you later, okay?" He pulled away from me and walked to the door. "I had a great time today."

"So did I." I nearly felt myself blushing.

It was later that night around one, Oella called me in a calm way and explained to me that there had been an accident. I rushed over after the few words were muttered and arrived in a panic. I took Life from the car and entered the house to hear quiet conversations and a mellowed atmosphere.

"Did anyone call?" I spoke up to break the discussion as Yorke approached me and scooped the baby from my arms.

"Yes, the hospital did. He's stable…he'll be fine." Oella made her way towards me and collected me in her arms. "Everything will be alright."

"I am so relieved." I sighed and pulled away as she ran a hand down my cheek.

"Iris went and picked him up from the hospital. They're having a nurse come back here with him…I don't believe in the dirty hospitals. If I can deliver him into this world, I think I can bring him back to health." Oella explained.

I nodded and followed Yorke into the kitchen.

"How did this happen?" I whispered.

"I have no idea. What if he knows? What if its because of what we did?" He looked like he was a child scared to confess about a wrong he had done.

"Yorke, if he did he had no reason." I placed my hands on his cheeks and kissed him gently.

"He'll be okay." He spoke, trying to assure both himself as well as me. I nodded and pecked his lips again, taking Life from his grasp.

Ten minutes later Iris arrived with Rowan, a nurse carrying him on a stretcher that they set up a bed in the family room. Oella spent that entire night by his side. I slept on the couch with Life on the floor next to me, Yorke sleeping next to him. Chloe slept across the floor and Iris sat in a chair, dozing off occasionally. I awoke around six, left the others sleeping and walked across the hall to where Rowan was. Oella, her hand attached to his, rested her head against the mattress.

"Oella," I softly shook her. "Go get some sleep, I'll watch him now." I assured her. She looked at me and didn't reply at first.

"Very well." She finally spoke and stood up. "He's dozed in and out the entire night." I looked to see the nurse but she was absent. I sat down where Oella had been sitting and cleared my throat, preparing myself to talk to him. My father had once said that helps people who are unconscious.

I felt his hand and it was cold, the blood almost seemed thick.

"Rowan?" I whispered, gently.

He didn't move and didn't say anything but coughed, turning on his side sending off the idea that he was obviously awake.

"Rowan please answer me." I begged, cupping his fragile hand in mine. He pulled away and rested his palm against the bed. "Your mother took great care of you, she said after the accident you'd be--"

"Accident?" He mumbled, his back still facing me. "Did you ever once think that perhaps it wasn't an accident?"

"What are you talking about? Was it not an accident? Tell me, Rowan. Do you know who it was?"

"Stop," He turned so that he was facing me but there was no physical contact between us. "Couldn't they have just have left me there?" It was quiet for a long time as I starred at him and tried to argue myself out of the idea.

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that maybe sometimes when people are bleeding to death in a car that ran head on to another that maybe you should just leave them." He glared at me with his eyebrows put closely together.

"I could never do that." I sat back, startled.

"That's right, you like to ruin people's life one at a time. I forgot." He sat up and pushed the sheets away from his chest. "I don't need this special care." I heard him mumble as his flat and bare feet walked across the floor. "You can go, the trauma is over with." He waved his hand at me.

"You're so selfish. Your mother has been worried sick the entire night-"

"And you probably had a good nights rest. Don't think I faked it, Celeste, it hurt like hell but I didn't imagine someone finding me and bringing me back here."

I stood up and began to pace the floor and then walked towards him. "Do you have any idea how worried I was? Do you? Do YOU?" I yelled, pointing a finger at him. "You're not only a dear person but the person that created my child. I'm not the only one that would miss you, but your mother and the media and—" I tried to whisper but my voice was reaching a level in which the next room could easily hear.

"What have they done for me? I've entertained them and they have clearly given me nothing in return. Don't take me for a fool, Celeste. I'm far from it. I've—"

"Gone through more things than I can imagine, right, I know, but get over it." I threw at him and then walked towards the other room. Stopping I slowly turned around. "Rowan, if you would have killed yourself and ended your life because of your own selfish desires then I can't imagine how terrible your life must have been." I scoffed. "It's a pity that people must endure such a horrible life as yours. Truly." I spoke sarcastically but I'm not sure if he could tell.

"It's a pity that people must meet people like you!" He glared, sitting upright on the bed.

I starred at him for a while and then turned walking back into the room, picked up Life from his sleeping position and walked towards the front door.

"Forgive me for ruining your plan, Rowan. I never realized caring about you would get me into this mess." I mumbled so that he could hear and then walked towards my car.

.30.

In the next few months I watched my son grow as Rowan kept his distance, returning only to be faithful to his son. I would watch from my position in the kitchen, as Rowan would animate his voices, display his talents while playing new songs for him, resting the baby on the floor in front of him. I never said much, but let him enjoy the time he had. He only caught me watching once, turning to face me abruptly.

"Are you making fun of me?" he asked in full offence.

"No," I stated, looking directly at him. "I could never do that."

"I'm just trying to teach him things." He turned back around and set the guitar in his lap, gently resting his fingers on the warn strings. He began to play a soft melody, gently humming to himself. I picked up the seven month old and rested him in my lap as he reached out for the guitar, eagerly wanting to discover it like he discovered everything else.

"Life, do you want to play the guitar?" Rowan looked at the child and took his hand away from the instrument and put his fingers on Life's cheek. Life tried to struggle free from my grasp and over to Rowan. I picked up Life and sat him in his lap, forcing Rowan to put down the guitar that he was holding.

Life cooed momentarily, reaching for his feet as he held onto them making noises his face full and animated. His hair was blond, the color of mine when I was born while his eyes held the deep clear blue of Rowan's. His lips were so tiny, yet wide and full as he let out a loud and happy noise. Rowan mumbled something as he looked down at the baby and ran his hand over Life's mouth.

"My birthday's coming up." Rowan looked up at me from his position of being slouched over behind Life.

I nodded and handed Life a small toy.

"We're having a party at my house. Would you want to come?" He asked the question literally yet it seemed almost stupid for me to agree.

"Oh, I don't know Rowan." I took Life from his embrace and stood up, walking over to the kitchen to find something for him to chew on. His two bottom teeth were coming in and he'd chew on anything he could get a hold of.

I glanced over to see Rowan stand up in a sweep like motion from his position on the ground. He walked over and slouched putting his weight on one side, something I'd seen Yorke do quite often. I quickly looked away, ashamed that I had related the two even for a moment.

"Well, I guess you don't have to. But I'd like for you to come." He reached over me for a carrot. I pulled back in an instant reaction, almost afraid of the contact. "What's with you, Celee? I'm not going to bite. Ever since that night at the club when I was messed up you've been acting so strange. I'm not messed up anymore, okay? It's me I'm fine. I haven't done that since then." He quickly assured me, and then reached for a cup above me.

"Right, I know." I mentally scolded myself for reacting the way I did. The last thing I had wanted was for Rowan to even assume that things were different. Even then, I knew that Rowan was lying about the fact that he hadn't done that since the night at the club. He reeked of alcohol, not as though he'd been drinking it recently but that he'd been surrounded by it the night before. "I'd love to come with you to your birthday, Rowe." I smiled after a few minutes passed. He glanced over at me as a grin formed on his lips much like the ones that he used to give me before everything had changed. I didn't have many regrets of what had happened, I just seemed to continue to go back to how much I regretted the way that he wouldn't smile at me like he had before.

"Great, it's tomorrow." He leaned in and pecked the top of my forehead.

"I just thought of something." I said as Rowan stopped, inches away from me.

"What's that?" He mumbled, smoothing his finger down Life's cheek.

"That Life is exactly seven months old today." I looked down at the baby.

"Is he really?" Rowan scooped the baby from my arms and held him up mid-air, smiling at him as he twisted him beneath his grasp. "Well that calls for a party, wouldn't you say?" He brought him back against his chest and then looked up at me.

With the small idea that Rowan had expressed and in my tiny apartment we celebrated the seventh month of our child's life and I couldn't help but be happiest I've ever been.

When the night was done the three of us lay in my bed, Life between Rowan and I. I didn't sleep well, fretting over the following days activities and the reaction on Yorke's face. At that time, Yorke and I would spend abundant amount of time together. I loved his presence and the random yet eventful discussions we would share.

"Celeste," Rowan turned so that his back faced me.

I acted as though I had been asleep the entire time.

"Did you say something?" I groaned.

"Yeah, you…you really don't have to come to my birthday if you don't want to." He said, his voice sounding a bit muffled.

"Are you kidding?" I whispered. "As long as I'm invited, I'd love to come to your birthday, Rowan." I reached over our child and rubbed his arm softly.

It was quiet for a few more minutes as I watched his back rise and then fall as he took deep breaths.

"Celeste?" I opened my eyes again and looked towards his back.

"Hm?"

"You know I care about you, right?" I didn't say anything in reply. "I may not always show it, but I do. Don't resent me because I make mistakes, okay?" He looked over his shoulder at me. I smiled slightly and then took my eyes away from his realizing that his was his only source of apology for the way he had treated me after his accident.

"Everything's changed, Rowan." Was the only response I could come up with. "It's just…gotten complicated." I rested my hand on my forehead. "I'm not going to say I regret a thing. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, good or bad." I looked over at him and began to grin. "You've taught me things…things I wouldn't have ever learned if I had stayed back with my family. You've helped me grow, and I think that's what I had been yearning for."

"So you think you found it?" He got excited, turning on the opposite side so that he was starring at me.

"Found what?" I grew embarrassed and turned over.

"Found what you had come down here for? Besides the painting career."

"Painting." I mumbled to myself.

"What did you say?" I heard him ask behind me.

I nudged his comment away and slowly let myself dwell on the reason why I had come to Gainesville. The thing that was funny was that I hadn't touched a paintbrush since I had Life. It seemed strange how that idea came about and how it all began to form together. Maybe my father was right; maybe I was running away from truth instead of on a search for my art. Or maybe my father knew that I wasn't on a search for art at all and that the only kind of art that I wanted to be in contact with was love and perhaps he knew that all along and he was saving me from suffering. The same suffering that he had to endure with my mother.

"Goodnight Celee." He sighed, taking a drink of some kind and then laying back down next to me. I turned my neck so that I could see him and watch as his short breaths became long and eventually led into deep sleep kind of breaths the kind that are slow and relaxing. I tried them myself but couldn't seem to concentrate enough to fall asleep. I felt something next to me move slightly and I looked down at him, nudging his way beneath my arm. I picked up my arm to see him as he groaned, a tiny frown forming on his small lips. He let out a cry and threw his fist in the empty air and then set it against my arm, moving closer he turned on his side so that he was touching me. I stroked his hair and softly and quietly hummed a lullaby to get him to fall back asleep as he took deep breaths. I looked up from the baby to see Rowan watching him as I ran my fingers through his small patch of hair. Rowan reached for my hand and took it, slowly bringing it to his face. He kissed my fingers gently and then set my hand back on the mattress. He turned on his side and let the sheet fall from around his shoulders. I smiled slightly to myself and closed my eyes. I don't remember many moments like that when Rowan would do things for the strangest reasons, if there was even a reason at all. He was such a passionate person and sometimes I wonder if people forget that.

.32.

"Who's all coming?" I forced Life into a pair of overalls and began to roll up the pant legs as I reached for cotton t-shirt to slide over his head. He struggled, reaching for any object in arms length to free himself from my grasp. I kissed his cheek and then set his bottom on my hip pulling him away from whatever he was reaching for.

"I'm not sure who mother invited." Rowan slid a dirty t-shirt over his head and then ran a hand through his hair as he reached for his sneakers. "Iris hasn't said much to me about it."

"Right." I nodded, considering the possibilities.

"Do you want me to carry him?" Rowan offered. I handed Life to him and then reached for a basket I had set on the kitchen table. "You made food?" Rowan sounded surprised.

"I couldn't sleep." I grinned sheepishly.

"Last night? I didn't hear you at all."

"That was the point, no?" I smiled and took a hold of the basket reaching for the door handle. "Do you think we'll be coming back tonight?" I asked, glancing around the room.

"Doubt it." He pierced his lips first then grinned. "Damnit, hold on."

"Rowan, please don't swear in front of the baby." I sighed, my shoulders slumping a bit. He perched Life on his hip as he played with his feet, sometimes putting his toes inside his mouth. I pulled his feet away from his mouth and followed the two around the room as Rowan searched for something. He finally found what he was looking for as he lifted up a box of some sort and pulled out from under it his glasses.

"There we go." He slid them on with one hand and then proceeded to put Life on his other hip and follow me out the door.

When we arrived at the Hawke estate it was later in the day around one o'clock. I walked towards the house with Life in one arm as Rowan balanced a bag and the picnic basket in another. A grin formed across his face as he squinted from the sunlight. His mother had decorated the yard with tables and chairs, plates and cups scattered themselves amongst them as a sofa sat under a tree and a hammock between two other ones. Looking relaxed and free from all worries Chloe ran up and attacked Rowe's full hands with a hug, wrapping her arms around his waist. He smiled and pecked her forehead.

"Happy birthday." She looked up at him.

"Thank you, love."

We approached the lawn as Yorke walked up to me and took Life from my grasp he lifted him in the air and making airplane noises and saying his hello's. Iris gave her brother a hug and kept her arm around him as Oella approached. She gave me a kiss on the cheek and then hugged her son, kissing him on each cheek as my father had done when I was little.

"We figured that the only thing that might make you truly happy would be to relax and what could be more relaxing with the Lord's beauties of nature and sun." Oella said warmly and opened her arms to the empty area around them. "Happy birthday, Rowan. I'm sorry that your father couldn't make it, he was delayed."

"Thank you." Rowan replied genuinely and wrapped his arm around Chloe as they approached the hammock. He dumped her into it and then landed next to her.

"You didn't have to make anything." Oella spoke as she opened my basket.

"Oh, it was nothing. I couldn't sleep so I decided to bake something." I smiled.

"Did Life keep you awake all night?" I looked over to see Iris who was now holding the baby and bouncing him around in her grasp.

"No, he slept pretty well actually." I replied and then looked out at the yard. "It's such a beautiful day." I admired.

"Perfect day for a birthday." Oella muttered and then held up a pie. "This looks delicious, Celeste."

"When did you get horses?" I asked as I walked to another table.

"Chloe took an interest. You ride?" Oella asked as she spooned some sort of salad into another bowl.

"No. I haven't seen I was a child. They're beautiful animals." I added in.

"We like to think so." She winked at me and then turned to the group as they lazed themselves around the yard. I caught Yorke looking at me as he fiddled with something between his fingers. I caught his eyes as he glanced up from under his eyebrows, his lips just slightly split apart, a small hole forming in the middle of his lips. I looked away, wanting to remind myself that this truly was Rowan's day.

I felt something by my feet and then my shoelaces being untied.

"Life." I whined and stooped down to pick him up. He struggled to break free and demanded to remain on the ground. Cloe ran over and dropped to the ground next to him as she played with him and entertained him.

"We should sing something." Chloe was following her mother around the tables as Oella busied herself.

"Like what?" Oella asked and put her arm around her daughter as they approached the other children. I looked down at Cloe as she lifted Life in her arms while he protested and threw his arms out.

"Mama," He whined as a more important attempt to be allowed on the ground again. I reluctantly took him from her grasp and whispered something to Cloe as she smiled and patted his bottom. I carried the baby over to the gathering circle as Yorke declined to move closer.

"I guess we should start by saying something." Oella took a seat on the ground and put her legs out in front of her as Chloe sat next to her and cuddled against her mom.

"What do you mean?" Rowan bit at his nails and itched his nose briefly.

"About how we feel and the love we have for you." She explained.

"By all means, don't let me stop you." He grinned while everything laughed.

"Iris, do you want to begin?" Oella motioned.

Iris nodded and set the piece of watermelon down on the ground.

"There's not many other ways to put it. You're my best friend. I love you." She mumbled as laughter softly went around the circle. "I can't believe you're getting so old. I can't wait to spend many years to come with you and our band."

"Chloe?" Oella gently kissed her temple.

"You're the best oldest brother anyone could ever want." It was quiet as people thought of what to say.

"I wish I could somehow say things like they can, but I can't. You're my brother. You always have been and you always will be."

"Thanks Yorke." Rowan mumbled, leaning forward so that his shoulder turned in around him.

I felt Life struggle to break free from my grasp and crawl away from me. I kept a close eye as he stopped briefly to play with something he found in the grass and then finally reach Rowan. For an instant, I wondered what everyone would think if they saw my child find his way over his father's arm. I looked up at Oella, trying to find out what I was going to say but she just smiled off to the side, reflecting on what her children had said.

"You're such a kind person, Rowan." Chloe turned her head to what I said so that she could see me as I watched Iris's eyes look at me. "You've taught me more then anyone else I know, I'll never be able to forget how much you yearn to learn new things. I love you." I found tears approaching the back of my eyes as I refused to let them show. My eyes burned as I quickly shut them and opened them again.

"You're the son every woman dreams of. You make a difference in everyone's life; this circle shows evidence of that. I love you." Oella spoke gently and sincerely.

"Thank you, thank you." Rowan coughed and then rested Life's hand in his as Life patted it making a small clapping noise. "I wish I could tell each one of you the same things but it would just seem repetitive. I've had a birthday for the last twenty-one years and each one has been different and each one is a different memory that I treasure greatly. Without my family I would be a completely different human being. I owe all of that to each one of you." He nodded as he put Life in his lap.

Soon after Chloe broke into song, one that each of them knew as they all stood and took hands. I was reluctant at first as I watched Rowe put Life on the ground. I rushed over and picked him up and as I was doing so I felt something on my shoulder as Rowan put his hand out. I took it with the one that was wrapped around Life and then took Cloe's hand. I smiled at him as I felt him gently slide his fingers over Life's small arm. I just looked around the circle as they all sang, each one knowing the words by heart, even Oella closing her eyes every so often. It wasn't awkward, wasn't hard to listen to, it was a perfect moment one that I hope each one of the Hawke family member treasures as much as I do.

.33.

The afternoon faded slowly until everyone just relaxed, Iris strumming gently on a guitar as Rowan sat by her, Life close by as he hummed softly. Cloe positioned herself next to Life and entertained him the best she could. I was in the kitchen, drying dishes when I saw Yorke come in.

"Good afternoon, Celeste." He smiled shyly. I looked up and blushed. He walked behind me and gently put his hand on my arm. I turned to him, my head feeling nearly dizzy, but not in the same way that I had felt the first time Rowan touched me. I felt as though I was fifteen again. I felt a childish, immature and girly feeling that I wanted to feel more of. Without any further move I put my lips forcefully on his.

"It's taken me everything not to kiss you today." He breathed roughly as we pushed ourselves away from the table. I touched his shoulders, his neck and then his cheeks with my hands. We kissed, passionately savoring the moment.

"Soon enough, Yorke." I nearly giggled as he gently tugged on my shirt and then kissed my cheek.

"Where's the baby?" He let out a long breath and then I felt him wrap his arms around my waist and push me towards the wall as he gripped the back of my thigh and inched it up his leg. I pushed away from the wall and then kissed him again.

"What is this?" I heard a voice mutter. I quickly pulled away and went the opposite direction then where the voice had come from. "No, please, continue. You were sharing a beautiful moment. I didn't mean to interrupt." I looked over at Rowan as I kept my fingers on my lips. I looked at Yorke to see his eyes drawn to the floor yet little embarrassment covered his cheek. Rowan, his lips pressed tightly together and his brow furrowed. He put all of his weight on one leg, as if he was waiting for us to continue.

"Rowan,"

"No, honestly Celeste. It was my fault for interrupting. I apologize. Yorke, will you come with me?" He motioned but Yorke stood still for a long time. I walked towards him and gently put my hand on his shoulder in an effort to tell him to go on.

They left and Rowan walked with Yorke outside by their large pond. The sun was setting, as everyone was getting ready to bring the beautiful evening to a close. He ran his hand through his hair and forced his hand in his pocket to find something.

"Do you want a smoke?" He pulled out a cigarette and held one up to Yorke. He shook his head slowly and then in a quicker pace as Rowan shrugged and stuck it in his mouth. "On second thought, I'd rather have something else." He returned the cigarette back to his pocket and pulled out a fresh joint. "Do you want some?" He lit it and let out a long stream of smoke. Yorke shrugged again and narrowed his shoulders in more, he remained silent until he took it from Rowan and gently inhaled the smoke. "See, that's amazing. Utterly and wonderfully amazing."

"I'm not sure how long you've been thinking of Celeste in that way." It was quiet as Rowan stubbed his foot against the dirt. "But you could do so much better."

Yorke shook his head with a sarcastic huff of laughter, rolling his eyes.

"Is that what you thought?" Yorke turned to his brother.

"No. That's not what I meant. She's a pretty messed up person, Yorke. Someone that can just bring you down…I made the mistake of bringing her down now I don't want that to happen to you as well. Do you understand what I'm saying?" He turned and kept his back to Yorke. "I'm not stupid. I know that you two have something going on. But I'm not going to ignore it. You're my brother and Celeste is one of my dearest friends, but she could hurt you. She could hurt you something terrible. Do you understand what I'm saying? You need to let go or else you will just find yourself in a worse position then before—"

"Before when, Rowan?" Yorke shot out. "Before I fell in love? I've never been in love and the first time that I actually think I am you decide to ruin it for me." Yorke crossed his arms and ran his finger underneath his nose. "Besides, she still loves you. She never admitted it, but she's still completely in love with you! I don't think I'll ever find a better lover…did she tell you that too?" His brow furrowed and he glared bitterly at Rowan. "She was the first woman I've ever made love with, but I wouldn't be surprised if she thought of you every time we did. I was such an idiot." He began to cry roughly as Rowan reached out for his shoulders in an attempt to comfort him. "I was such an idiot to think that I could have your leftovers." He ran off, kicking the ground as he went, running his hands through his hair every so often. Rowan walked, slowly, back to the kitchen where I was still doing the dishes. He made his way across the floor and I heard the soft noise that it made. Cautiously, I prepared myself for the lectures and "should be more carefuls" that he always tried to parent on me.

"I'm sorry." He whispered, a few feet away from me.

"Don't be stupid." I shook my head, trying to sound angry as I scrubbed the dishes, a dry towel thrown over my shoulder.

He didn't say anything more but moved next to me.

"Where's my family?" His face looked hot, red blotches underneath his eyes and on the balls of his cheeks.

"Your mother and sisters and Life went out to take care of the animals. She said it's such a ritual with Chloe." I briefly tried to lighten the mood.

"Celeste." He leaned up against the edge of the sink and put his hand over mine, wet and full of suds.

"Don't do that." I pulled away.

"Why?" He asked, inching closer slowly.

"Stop it." I threw the towel that was sitting on my shoulders at him. I walked to the other side and began to take another dirty dish over to the sink.

"Do you love me?" He reached for my arms as I tried to break free yet trying to keep a strong grip on the dish.

"Will you quit it?" I asked and broke free, setting the dish on the counter. I stopped, unsure of what he was trying to do.

"Have I been hurting you?" He asked quietly. I turned to him, my eyes swelling with hot tears. I tried to keep them back, but the urge was nearly overwhelming.

I nodded, rubbing my right eye.

"I am so sorry." He rushed over to me and gathered me in his arms, moving the palms of his hands up and down my back. "Why didn't you tell me?" I could feel him talk as I pressed my forehead against his chest.

"How am I supposed to tell you that I'm in love with you?" I slowly looked up at him as he didn't loosen his grip. "That I've never stopped…how do you want me to put that?"

"Celeste, I love Ellen. Things are terrible right now. You should understand that, we've discussed it."

I wrapped my arms around him and began to sob.

"But you never asked me if I still loved you! I can let go of people, Rowan, but it takes everything in me to stop loving them." I cried, then pushed the side of my face against his chest.

"Don't cry like that, okay? I'm sorry. Please, I said I was sorry."

Neither of us said anything for a long time and the silence nearly killed me.

"You're the mother of my child." He whispered, frightening me a bit. "I love you." He reached for my jaw and put both of his hands on my cheeks, angling my face so that I was looking at him. "I'll never stop doing that." He leaned in and kissed me and at that moment every concern and realization of my troubled future seemed to diminish. I relaxed in his embrace and then reacted, wrapping my arms around his neck. He stopped and then pulled me into a hug. "But don't hurt my brother, he has a good heart."

"Yorke." I mumbled and pulled away, biting my nail I walked towards the table again. "I do care about him, Rowan. It's not that I was using him."

"I know, I know. I trust you. But I think he realized…"

"Shit, Rowan. I never meant to make this happen." I became quickly frustrated and paced the room.

"Go talk to him." He waved.

"Just like that? Tell him…shoot, will you get Life please?" I looked out to see Oella walking towards the house.

"Yes, of course. Just go." He motioned.

"Will you put that shirt on him? It's in the car and give him some sort of snack, I'm sure he's hungry."  
"Celeste?"

"I can't do it." I stopped and spoke calmly.

"It's your decision." He spoke and then put his arm gently on mine and kissed my forehead. I walked out the back door and into the empty area, a slight breeze filling the empty space around me. I wrapped my arms around my chilled body and then made my way across the field.

I found Yorke sitting under a tree; a cigarette perched between his lips.

"You don't smoke." I sat down next to him.

"I just say I don't," he mumbled.

"Don't do this to yourself." I brought my knees in front of me to try and block the chill. I found myself extremely nervous.

"Get it over with, okay?" He looked over at me and tried to look intimidating.

"Get what over with?" I avoided his look as I found the strand of grass between my fingers interesting.

"Tell me you can't…do this anymore." He dropped his head down and then let out a long sigh. "But the only thing that scares me is that I love you and I'm not sure if I can just…stop." The words were nearly incoherent as I moved closer. I went to put my arm around him but he pulled away and stood up.

"I have to get away."

"Where?" I felt rejected.

"To live with my father."

"But your career?" I started.

"That's not an issue." He looked over and folded his arms. He walked towards me and crouched down at eye level and rested his hands on my arms. "But I could never go too far to stop thinking about you." He gently kissed my forehead. "For the friendship, the moments and every single..." He pulled away abruptly determined not to meet my gaze. I stood up as he walked towards the house. In some odd sort of way I felt that I lost a close friend that night, but with what the future held for me I sometimes regret reacting that way. And now, more then ever, I wish that I would have run up to him and told him how much his friendship meant to me and ask if I could write him when he was away. But I guess that could have only made things worse.

.34.

During the next few months I watched my small son grow into a wandering toddler as he investigated everything in my studio apartment, which made me grateful for the lack of walls for him to hide behind. Visits to see Jake became more frequent so that I could have some free time to get some food in my stomach.

"You look tired." Jake held Life with one arm as he spooned a dish of something into a cup for me. I took it gratefully and then sat on a stool.

"I'm exhausted." I sighed and let my head rest against the palm of my hand. "But I'm not complaining." I quickly shot up.

"Never said you were, love. But think about it. A young woman struggling to pay rent as a mother of a very curious toddler…the world expects you to be exhausted, heavenly one." Jake laughed as he let my son down.

"But I'm supposed to be able to handle this. Every other woman I know has been able to, why can't I?" I knew I was whining as I spooned the soup around in my cup.

"Every other woman isn't you." He rushed over and grabbed Life from the floor. I turned in my chair to look at him. "He was about to eat my mouse trap." Jake shrugged with a grin.

"Lifen!" I rushed over and took him from Jake as he struggled to break free from my grasp. "See what I mean? He's…so, demanding." I tried to keep him in my arms until he let out an ear-piercing scream. "Please stop!" I yelled over his screams and then held him in front of me for Jake to take.

"I have customers." Jake shrugged and walked past me with a sly grin from ear to ear. I spun around in protest, a sobbing baby on my hip desperately trying to slide out of my arms, while frustrated tears were beginning to form. There in the doorway, as if on cue, Rowan rushed over to me with a concerned look spread across his face.

"Celeste," Was all he muttered as he scooped the baby from my arms and allowed me to let out a relieved sigh. I followed him over near where I had been sitting as he set the baby on the floor and positioned himself next to him. "How long have you been like this?" He asked while wiping at Life's nose.

"I don't know." I mumbled, shaking my head. "I just can't control myself sometimes." I tilted my head one way to see a group of customers staring and a satisfied smile on Jake's face. Knowing that he had already seen Rowan when I was throwing a scene as well as the attention that I was drawing from the customers.

"What kind of a mother does that?" I heard a needle nosed mouse-looking woman ask her elephant friend. Soon, I found myself angry at the fact that they had been interfering in my life.

"She's probably loonie." I watched the elephant sized woman spin her finger around in a circle next to her head and as she did so I found myself standing up and grabbing Rowan's collar.

"What is it, Celeste?" He asked and then stood up.

"I want to go." I demanded and waited for him to pick up our son.

"Fine, we'll go, but you have to finish your lunch. When was the last time you ate?" He stroked my hair around my face with one hand as the other held Life against his hip.

"Rowan," I looked over at him, a determined look on my face.

"What is it?" He shook his head.

"Probably having a child out of wedlock." The mouse said to the elephant.

"Wedlock? That's probably not even her baby. I read somewhere that the ratio of woman stealing babies has risen fifteen percent in the last two years." The elephant replied.

"That would explain her lack of experience."

"And immaturity." The mouse hissed as she wiped at her mouth. Anger overwhelmed me as I began to walk towards the two, but I felt something reach my arm. Without giving me eye contact Rowan handed me the baby and walked past and over to the table.

"Excuse me," He leaned in a bit and put his hands together. "Hello, my name is Rowan and I'm the father of that child of there, do you see him?"

"The crying obnoxious one?" The elephant asked before going into cackles of laughter.

"No, the young child who's hungry and getting his bottom teeth." Rowan's politeness quickly fell as he rested his hands on the table. "I'm normally a gentleman, a polite person that will do anything to avoid confrontation, but if you come into this fine restaurant and decide to disrespect my family and my son then I'm afraid I won't be held responsible for my actions." He leaned in a bit closer.

"Oh yes, and young man what about paying respect to your elders? We're just being truthful, maybe you should try it sometime." The mouse said. I watched Rowan's face stay calm as he surprisingly put his hands underneath the edge of the small table and throw it on its side. The woman's face, exasperated and surprised drew the entire room quiet.

"Ladies," He bowed slightly and put his hand behind him for me to take. Life was silent as he rested his head on my shoulder.

"Wait," I tugged on his hand as we passed them. I looked over at Jake who's face was surprised but didn't seem to reach my gaze as he rushed around to clean up the dishes. Still astonished, the women didn't say a word.

"You didn't have to do that." I began as we walked outside of the restaurant and towards my apartment.

"I know that." We got into his truck as Life rested his head against my chest, his entire body relaxing.

"No, I mean, you didn't have to say that we were your family." I stroked Life's soft blond hair.

"Why wouldn't I?" Rowan stopped and looked over at me.

"Because, you have a family."  
"But that's different." He put his hand on the stirring wheel. "The people I know that I can love and trust are family. Ones that no matter what mistakes I make will still love me are my family. _You_ are my family." He stopped midway into the road and gently put his hand on my cheek. "And you are too." He ran his index finger down Life's nose.

Fall was approaching Gainesville and the atmosphere around that time of year always became amazing. It wasn't cool in any sense, but it was warmer then the coolness. It was the exact temperature that keeps a person calm in an insane world.

"I have to go away for a little while." Rowan stopped my pace as we approached my apartment, dreading each step.

"I know." I replied in a soft voice as to not wake the sleeping baby in front of me.

"How?" He stood a few feet behind me.

"Because, you always do."

"That's not true." He protested.

"It's fine, Rowan. I'll send you pictures." I closed the door before he reached it and walked over to the bed resting Life on it.

"Please open the door, Celee." I heard him whine.

I sat at the kitchen table and began to think about what exactly I was asking him to do. I had already told him that I loved him and for some strange reason I felt like there was still something missing. I was asking him to stay here while he had to go and film a movie that he had already committed himself to. What kind of a person was I? He had just thrown a tantrum in Jake's restaurant and I couldn't even understand. I walked over to the door to see him sitting next to it, his legs folded in an Indian style.

"I'm sorry." I mumbled.

He stood up and reached for my waist, pulling me towards him.

"I love you." He grinned and began to kiss me just like he had before and at that moment I realized what I had been missing.

Closing the door behind him he drew me closer to him and narrowed me towards the couch, his hands searching over me for something. I slid down on the couch as he laid gently in front of me, kissing my cheek and then my neck, his facial expressions changing after each kiss, the bob of hair upon his head hitting my cheek. He passionately closed his eyes and began to kiss me. It felt as though it should be just once but the continuous swipe of his lips against my skin didn't bother me. I remember that night as being one that will forever hold my memory of Rowan. I was in love with him and I knew at that instant that I was never going to love anyone the way I had loved Rowan.

.35.

It was a colder fall day and I had dressed Life in his warmest clothes that I could possibly find. The heater had been stopped for a few days and I had tried diligently to get it to work again.

"It's broken." Rowan bent over and looked at it closely, his head tilting up a bit as he struggled to see what the matter was.

"Can't you talk to the landlord?" I pleaded, a blanket wrapped around me.

"Celeste," Rowan dragged his eyes to me and brought the cigarette to his lips. "You can do that, right? You're a big girl." He walked over to me and rested his damp hand against my arm. I felt that chill that he sent off of his body onto mine and immediately took a hold of his hand.

"You're freezing." I gave him a look of disappointment.

"Stop it, you just make me colder." He pulled away and looked down at Life who's head rested on the couch, his mouth slightly open, both of his legs sticking out from under the blanket that I had put on top of him. A hat that Iris and I had made sat perched on his head, as did a light blue sweater a bit too small that we had sewn. I gave the baby a smirk.

"That's it." He pierced his lips and scooped Life in his arms.

"What's it?" I got nervous and dragged the large blanket with me.

"You two are going to mother's. I can't bear to see you like this. I will talk to your landlord." He glanced around the room as Life moved a bit against his father. I pulled the blanket closer over the baby.

"Rowan, don't be silly. It's not that cold."

"It's freezing. Gainesville hits certain cold spurts and this is one. Listen, I'll take you there and you can stay there until this is fixed, okay?" He looked me directly in the eyes and put a free arm on my shoulder.

"Rowan I can't go back there. Yorke is there." I went for full honesty. His face dropped, as did his lips slightly.

"Yorke moved to England."

"What?" I felt myself sinking into my couch, wrists instantly finding their way as a rest for my chin.

"He thought that would be the wisest choice. Father needed help down there and Yorke volunteered to go."

"I should have known." I sighed.

"Celee, it's not your fault. He could have left for multiple reasons." Rowan shrugged and then motioned towards the bed. "Get Life a suitcase as well as yourself. When was the last time you paid rent?" Rowan tried to busy himself around without waking the sleeping child in his arms. Finally he approached the door and nudged at the handle with the tip of his fingers.

"Take him to the car and I'll talk to the landlord." Rowan motioned down the steps.

"I can talk to him too, ya know." I carried a suitcase in one hand and a bag thrown over my shoulder.

"Fine." Rowan stopped in front of a dark brown door and waited until I opened it. Setting my luggage down we both walked in.

"Can I help you?" My landlord looked up from bookwork.

"Listen, I'm freezing up there and I don't have any heat. Do you expect me to freeze?"

His face grew tight as he prepared for a speech. Rowan broke in and walked forward, elbowing me out of the way.

"What she means is that she'll be coming to stay with me for a while until the heater is fixed or until it gets warmer, one of the two, you know whadda mean?" He smiled awkwardly. The man stifled slightly and took a seat, returning his glasses to the tip of his nose.

"You're late on rent." He mumbled.

"So you turn off my heat?" I move my head a bit and try to see over the counter.

"Celeste," Rowan started calmly.

"I don't have money to pay for your damn heat when you don't give me money to do so. This isn't a free place to live. You need to pay in order to li—"  
"I apologize, okay? She's just upset." Rowan broke in.

"But my son didn't do anything, why are you punishing him as—" Suddenly Rowan shoved the baby at me awakening him from his sleep as he let out a soft cry then rested his head on my shoulder. He reached deeply in his pocket and pulled out a wallet, brown and worn around the edges. Flipping it open he pulled out some cash.

"How much is her late fee?" Rowan leaned over the counter.

"Is this your boyfriend here to help you out?" He scoffed, which I hated.

"Rowan, forget it. I'll get the money."

"Celeste, I won't have him talking to you that way." Rowan gritted his teeth at me.

"Are you the Rowan Hawke that has been paying for her other rent fees? What a classy guy. Someone should pin a medal on you tough guy."

"Why? Because I'm helping someone out? That's bullshit." Rowan barely got out, a hurt sound flooding through his voice.

"I bet it's more then helping someone out. I've seen you come in here late at night, you don't think I see that?"

"Let's get out of here, Celeste." Rowan turned and put his hand on my arm, coaxing me towards the door.

"Listen here pal, I want your slut's money by Tuesday or everything in that room is free dibs, you got me?" The landlord yelled behind us.

"You'll have your money." Rowan threw open the doors and walked over to the car, throwing the suitcase in the back he opened the door for me, helping me in. I sat down as he slammed the door, Life jumping a little.

"Listen Celeste, what you want? My support or to watch you get thrown out of your home?" He backed away from my apartment and drove down the road.

"I don't know." I stroked the baby's hair.

"Which is it?" He asked, looking over at me.

"I don't want to take your money. I…we don't need charity."  
"Fine Celeste, think of it however you want but I do it because I love you and because you're family. Isn't that enough?" He asked.

It was quiet for a long time while I watched Life sleep, his tiny mouth sliding open every so often.

"Shit, I'm going to be late." He runs a hand through his hair.

"For what?" I looked over at him as I lost feeling in my left arm.

"My…plane." He mumbled and turned a sharp corner.

"Where to this time?" I asked as if it were a routine.

"Come on Celeste."  
"No really, I want to know." I tried to sound sincere. "Turn up there." I motioned.

"What? I'm sorry but you can't come with me." He put his hand on my shoulder, looking from me to the road and back again.

"I know. We'll drop you off." I said, nudging Life so that he could say goodbye. Rowan turned the corner and entered the airport parking lot.

"I'm really running late, but I wanted to make sure you got home okay." He stopped the car and slid out opening the trunk and digging out his bag. He walked over to the other side just as I was rousing Life.

"Say goodbye to poppa?" I whispered in his ear, kissing his cheek. Life yawned and then nodded, holding his arms out for Rowan to take. Rowan took the baby in his arms and gave me a kiss as the child rested his head against Rowan's shoulder. Rowan smiled and kissed the baby's head then ran his hand down it gently. He looked at me still sitting in the old truck. Leaning forward he put his empty hand against the seat and kissed me.

"Shooting wraps in March." He mumbled.

"Wonderful." I said with a hint of sarcasm.

"I love you." He said, his voice breaking for a minute as he kissed me again this time for a little longer. I pulled away and then pecked his cheek; taking Life from him I stepped out of the truck.

"Call if you get a chance, okay?" I asked. He turned to walk away and didn't reply. Nearly ten feet away he turned his head around.

"I'll be thinking about you Celeste." He yelled loudly.

"I'm thinking of you right now, Rowan!" I yelled back, cupping my mouth. He began to jog into the airport as I set Life on the seat next to me. I slid into the driver's side, turning on the car and I drove the rest of the way to the Hawke Estate.

Pulling in, the lights were still cascading the windows in the house. I stopped the car to see that Life had fallen asleep again and as I scooped him in my arms I felt something hit the door. Turning I saw Chloe's face, a ray of disappointment flood across it.

"What are you doing?" She asked, putting her hand on the door. Suddenly I felt like I was intruding.

"My heater went out at my apartment."

"But Rowan has a place." Her eyes narrowed in on me.

"Chloe," I looked down at Life who lay in my arms, his small arm dangling over mine.

"I know. I'm sorry." It was almost as if she caught herself. "I'm just going to ask you, did you make Yorke leave?" She asked.

"I really don't know. I just found out he left today." I tried to balance Life's weight so that he was comfortable.

"Right. I guess I was just looking forward to seeing Rowan…or maybe even Rowan bringing Yorke home." We made our way to the house as she talked, my bag thrown over her shoulder, the suitcase in her hand. "I am sorry for accusing you of that, Celeste."  
"No harm done." A flood of guilt nearly overwhelmed me.

"Celeste?" I heard Oella's warm voice fill the entrance to their house.

"Hello," I felt my face turn a shade of pink as a feeling of embarrassment overtook me.

"Why so late? You missed supper." She smiled and without another word scooped Life into my arms and walked into the kitchen and down the hall. She opened a door as Iris looked up, her hair wet from a shower. A smile lit her cheeks as she rushed over to me and threw her arms around me.

"You silly girl! Where've you been?" She smiled.

"That's not important." I laughed. "But right now I was wondering if I could stay with you until my heater gets fixed…it's so cold over there."  
"Cel, you are welcome to stay for eternity. Come on, you can either sleep in the spare room or in my room." She wrapped her arm around my shoulder and led me into the kitchen.

After Life was situated on the floor of the spare bedroom Iris and I talked over herbal tea in the kitchen. I nibbled on crackers but for the most part I had no appetite.

"I wish Yorke was here." I mumbled at a point of silence.

"I was just thinking that." Iris smiled, sliding her foot underneath her.

I looked down into my liquid wanting to hide beneath it.

"I feel like I was the reason he left."  
"What? You're being selfish, that's not true." Iris nudged me with her foot.

"But it could have been. We shared something."

"I know." Iris nodded and then got up and didn't return for a couple minutes. She slid an envelope across the table to me.

"What is this?" A sharp pain entered my throat at the thought of what it could possibly be.

"It's for you. Goodnight, I love you." She kissed my head and then walked out of the room. I took a long breath and then slowly slid my fingers underneath the opening as it ripped quietly. I took out the piece of paper but didn't unfold it for a little while. Finishing my tea I opened it and set it out in front of me. It was odd; out of everything I have kept over the years I still have that letter.

"Dear Celeste," It read. "If I could write a thousand times how much you mean to me I would, but that's impossible. My departure is not caused by my lack of knowledge or your lack of good judgment, I simply need to get away and if this is how I do it then so be it. England is not too terribly far and my father needs my help and encouragement. You've taught me to be there when people need you as you were for me therefore I will share that with someone else. I love everything about you and the only thing I seem to regret is that I didn't find you when you were five years younger or I was five years older. Please don't write or try to get in touch with me. I'll see you when I get back. Have an adventure while I'm away. I'll be anxious to hear all about it. All of my love and gratefulness, Yorke." Collapsing against the back of the chair I let the letter slip onto my lap. It was then that I realized that I was responsible for Yorke leaving and beginning the tear of the Hawke family. I still haven't forgiven myself for that.

.36.

So began my stay at the Hawke estate. Life was thoroughly entertained by his unaware aunts while I tried to busy myself around the house to be sure that my stay was not overdone.

"You've already cleaned that." Oella laughed at me as she walked into the kitchen while I scrubbed a pan.

"Have I?" I threw a fallen strand of blond hair over my shoulder and set the pan on the counter.

"Celeste, what worries you? I see it more day by day." Oella moved so that she was facing me.

"I'm not worried." I sighed. "I just wish I knew what I was going to be doing, you know? I have to get a job and my son needs clothes." I let my head rest in the palm of my hands as I let out a frustrated breath.

"Are you out of money?"

I didn't respond nor care to, I knew she would give me everything she had if she knew how poor I was without the help of Rowan.

"I can't take care of Life and get a job that pays enough to take care of rent. It seems to be one or the other…sometimes I really begin to wonder how I got myself into this mess." I stopped myself from continuing as I felt the urge of tears pierce the back of my throat.

"My daughters adore Life. How about you get a job and then we'll take care of him during the day. You can pick him up after you get off work and spend the night with him. If it's too much time apart from your son than we can give you loans until you have enough money to pay us back." Rubbing my shoulder she wrapped her arm around me. She was quite a bit shorter then I but her tan skin and bright eyes seemed to look right at me no matter how far away or close she was.

"Maybe you're right." I began to cry like a child as she enfolded her arms around me, my hands to my face as I cried against her shoulder.

"Let's not be too worried. There, there." She soothed gently.

Pulling away I gave her a hug and thanked her over and over.

"We'll see you tonight." She patted my back and then walked out of the room. I quickly got dressed and found myself once again in Rowan's car, pulling out of the Hawke estate.

Along the freeway I found something sticking out near the seat that I had been sitting in earlier. I reached for it and saw that the envelope was open. With one hand on the stirring wheel and the other on the piece of paper I slid whatever was in it out onto the bench. Two hundred dollar bills fell against the seat as did a few fifty's. Happiness yet guilt grew in my stomach as I read the small scrap of paper while trying to watch the road at the same time.

"Celee," Was scribbled at the top. "Take care of that. I'm thinking of you." I smiled and returned the contents to the package then drove back into town.

Pulling in front of Jake's I figured that I should get some breakfast before beginning.

"Morning." I said, thrusting the envelope into my purse. He smiled and waved a hand then approached me with a cup of water.

"Breakfast sweet lady? I haven't seen you around town much."

"I know, I've been staying out with the Hawke family."

He looked around to see how busy it was then slid into the booth in front of me.

"What happened, if I may ask?"

"Nothing. My heater just went out at my apartment and remember those few days when the temperature dropped lower then normal?"

"Right, right." Jake nodded. "And rent?"

He seemed to know without me even saying a word.

"Isn't paid, but I'm paying that right now."

"Right, right." He repeated and slid out of the booth.

"I need a job." I hollered before he walked too far away. He turned to me and rested his hand against my table.

"I can't help you Celeste, you need to do this on your own. You can't have people baby feeding you things. Trials must be overcome and time must past but you have to do something about it. People must grow throughout their lives."

"You make it sound like I'm a selfish brat, Jake." I drew my water to my mouth and took a sip.

"That is your interpretation, love. I'm telling you the truth. You can either do something about it or be too scared to." He walked away and didn't return to my table to ask me what I wanted to eat. I was angry with Jake for all of the hurtful things he had said. For the first time I completely disagreed with everything he had said that day.

Ignoring Jake's advice I walked into the apartment building and past my landlord.

"The warrior returns, with no boyfriend or child I see?" I could feel him standing behind me, resting himself against the banister. I wanted to run up to my home, but I kept my back facing him.

"That's right." I nodded.

"Your rent is late and you know this isn't a charity house, you got me?"

"I told you, didn't I? I have a baby and my work isn't selling as—"

"You know what? This isn't my problem. You give me the money or I take your apartment, easy as that."

It was quiet as I turned to walk up the stairs.

"Unless…"

"What?" I turned around again and dreaded his next words.

"I imagine you know what I have in mind and someone of your nature may see that as a reasonable price to pay for the liberty of living in this fine place." I gritted my teeth, forcing myself to stay professional.

"I don't think so." I turned towards my hallway.

"Why not? How else are you going to pay me, huh? You don't have no money, your boyfriend hasn't been here in weeks. You think I can't hear you through the floorboards? Well, what's your proposition, honey?"

"How much would it pay for?" I wasn't sure if I was even considering it, but I knew that I had to stop relying on everyone else. I stood in the doorway of my apartment and glanced over at him. He wasn't completely unattractive, except when he looked at you and his eyes held such disgust and perversion it was enough to make anyone sick to their stomach. I forced myself to avoid eye contact with him and millions of thoughts flooded my mind. I looked back at my apartment slowly replaying every event that had taken place there. I had been in love with the room since I had laid eyes on it and it didn't even seem an option to leave. I couldn't let go of the only place I felt is and ever will be my home.

He smiled seductively and licked his lips.

"A months rent." He shrugged.

"How many am I late?"

"Three." He grinned.

"Right." I sighed.

"So which is it baby?"  
He walked towards me, leaving the door ajar, as I backed myself into my apartment. I wanted to get it over with and forget that it ever happened. I tried to avoid any piece of furniture that Rowan and I had shared any sort of contact on. I kissed him but only for a second and then pulled away. He gathered me in his grasp as I slid to the ground, eager to get away at any second. I couldn't believe I was doing this and yet as I searched the room for some sort of protection all I could see were the reasons to stay cascaded across the kitchen and my bedroom. I wrapped my legs around his waist as he began to kiss me but I felt nothing. I let my hands fall against my sides as he pulled me towards him. He rested my hands above my head and began to kiss my neck. He reached for his buckle and began to undo it as he felt his way above my skirt. Suddenly, I shot up and pushed him away.

"I can't do it." I trembled and began to feel sick to my stomach.

"Not so fast." He chuckled and reached for my neck pulling me towards him.

"Stop it, I said it won't work."

"I thought whores were used to this kind of thing." He laughed and pulled me towards him, sliding my legs around him as he threw his belt to the left of him. His grip on my thighs was strong; I could feel indented red marks as he forced himself inside of me. I threw my arms against him in an attempt to distract him but he put his weight on top of me so that I could hardly move.

"You dirty bastard." I screamed and tried to kick. I began to cry, the tears sliding down my cheeks and near my ears, loud noises of regret coming from my mouth. I heard a noise from the doorway and before I could do anything to react Iris was on top of the man, clinging to him she threw him off, hitting and screaming she took her fist and pounded it against his face. "You sick man." She yelled at him as I shrunk within my position, folding my legs together.

"Listen, she leaves today."  
"We'll find her a place somewhere else."

"But you said that was worth a month's rent, I can pay you the rest." I coughed out. Iris drew me towards her and smoothed my hair with her hand

"No Cel, we'll find another place. Really. It'll be fine."

"But that's my home." I cried and drew myself away from Iris and stood up, pushing my skirt down. "You can't run places like this, I don't want you to."

"You still owe me money, you slut!" He licked his lips in order to see if it was bleeding. His breath was short as he heaved to catch it.

"Celeste." Iris looked at me and took my arm. I looked around the room for something, but all I saw was the mistake. I rushed to the bathroom and closed the door, turning on the shower I tried desperately to get his touch off of me. "What the hell happened?" She yelled as soon as he had stormed out. "You had sex with him for rent? Celeste, what the hell were you thinking?"

"Iris!" I began to cry, collapsing near the toilet. "It's all I have. I don't want to use anyone's money."

"That's really selfish of you."

"I'm always selfish, I realize that okay? I don't need another speech! I'm trying to do this on my own but I can't! Your mother offered to take care of Life during the day and that would be fine, but I want to watch him grow. I don't want to take Rowan's two hundred dollars that he left for me nor do I want him to continue paying rent for me. I promised myself I would never depend on anyone ever again after I left home. Now since I've had a baby that's all I've been doing."  
"Celeste, sometimes people need help. You have to quit thinking about yourself so much. What about Life? He needs your help, you're his mother." She stopped and I could sense she was near the door. "I'm packing your things." There was a stretch of silence. "I came by because Life dirtied his other clothes."  
I tried to block her out as I got into the shower.

"He has a bowel problem. Shitting every inch of his clothing." She giggled to herself as she walked attempted to open the door. "These are the type of things you need to be worrying about, Celeste. Screw wanting to be independent and wanting to be on your own, people that love you want to help you. I'm not sure about you but to know that it is one of the most amazing feelings I've ever felt. It's the only way I've gotten through anything. Don't push people away, Celee." I know she could hear me sobbing as I struggled to wash every inch of his scent off of me.

"Let's move you out of here." She announced.

As I dried off I realized that this was simply a mistake that I had made and one that I had to except. I had had sexual intercourse before, I had given birth to a baby and yet something beautiful had come from both of these things. Perhaps even how terrible this mistake was, something beautiful would come out of the fact that I had to leave.

The first trip was left silent. We drove away from my apartment, Rowan's truck filled with my things, our bodies limp and overheated. She drove for a little while and then glanced over at me.

"We should probably just stay at a hotel room for a while." I sighed.

"I'm not taking you to a hotel, Celeste." Iris' voice was sturdy and clear, she was determined to get her point across.

"Then what shall I do?" I asked, looking over at her.

"First, you can stop the princess act. What you did back there was stupid, Celeste. Do you understand? Don't ever, ever do anything like that again." She slammed her fist against the steering wheel and didn't look over at me for a while. I didn't want to contemplate all that had gone on, in fact I had no real desire to exactly decide if I had made a wise decision. The guilt that hung over my head and inside the entire car was enough for me.

"Okay." I mumbled.

"Okay what?" She asked, confused.

"Okay I will never do that again. I care so much about our friendship and…well…can you just take me back to your house? I need to find a place, but not right now." I mumbled, feeling my chin begin to tremble with tears.

"Alright, hey, Cel let's not cry, okay? Let me drop you off at home and I'll go back and get the rest of your things in your room, okay? I'll get everything, I swear." With one hand on the wheel and one hand around my shoulder we drove the rest of the way to her house.

Walking into the empty house I saw through the window the rest of the family outside on the grass doing something. I walked past the window and into the room I had been staying in. I felt Iris behind me but as I closed the door she realized that I was purposely blocking her out. Sometimes I wonder why I didn't open the door while she rushed to my side, asking me how it had all started for I knew she would. Iris always would, but for some strange reason I never let her.

He picked up, sounding groggy and unfamiliar.

"Hello?"

"Hello?" I repeated trying to sound as distant as he had come off as being.

"Celeste?" I could almost see him sit up in his expensive hotel bed. "Where did you get this number? Is everything alright?"

"Oh, everything's fine, Rowan. Don't worry about it, I just felt like talking."

"Talking?" He replied. I heard something on the other end of the phone as he muffled it with his hand. "Thank you, I'll see you later." There was a peck on the cheek and then a door close. I sat numb and emotionless, I wanted to forget that moment ever happened.

"I don't believe you." I heard myself mumble, still trying to control any tears. "Je ne peux pas faire ceci à jamais. vous secouez. vous le fils d'une chienne je vous déteste!" I rambled.

"Did you…was that in French?" He was speechless.

"Do you know…do you even care what happened…" I stopped and burst into tears, letting the phone drop into my lap I truly didn't care if he was talking or not. I picked it back up once I had composed myself a bit more.

"Celeste," He said as if he'd been saying the word three or four times. "Listen, I'm here, okay? Last night was a mistake I was lonely and she was an old friend. It has nothing to do with you I swear it. I want to talk about what happened? Why are you upset? Celeste, please. Do you want me to come home?"

"Forget it, please, forget I ever picked up the phone. I'm sorry for bothering you." I set the phone back on the receiver but not in an angry way. Drying underneath my eyelids I walked out of the room and down the hall to where the kitchen was being gathered in for lunch. I spotted my son who sat, nibbling on food in a high chair that Oella had done up for him.

"Everything alright, Cel?" Oella asked.

"Everything is fine." I mumbled and picked up Life, kissing his forehead and gathering the left over dry food that sat in front of him. "I'm going to take him outside for a bit." I said without looking back at them and walked out the front door. I set the small baby in front of me and let him pick the food from my hand and put it against his tongue and slowly condense it with saliva.

"I got the last of it." Iris walked up to me and set down a small bag. "There's some extra stuff for Life in there."  
"You did it all by yourself?" I didn't look up at her.

"No…Chloe came back with me and helped. Look," She knelt down in front of me and rested her hand on my shoulder. "I'm here and I care about you, don't do this to yourself. Let this day past, it should be forgotten."

"I'm not good at forgetting about things, Iris."  
"No on truly is, but that's the beauty of being able to let go. Once you do it, it's gone forever."  
I stopped and looked over at her, surprised at her comment.

"Do you truly believe that?" I asked in a sort of mocking way.

"Yes. Yes I do believe that."  
"That's ridiculous. If that's how you want to deal with your problems that's fine, but I'm going to try and take a little more adult look at it, if you don't mind." With that I stood and walked away from her leaving Life in her arms. My opinion at that point was unclear. I knew she had her own opinion of what went on that day and she would share it with someone, I just wasn't sure exactly who.

I was standing, changing Life's diaper in the room that I had been allowed to stay in. I heard footsteps and a mumbled conversation flow into the room next to mine.

"Don't be like this, Rowan…" There was a bit of silence. "Fine, alright, let me get her." Iris walked into the doorway and handed the phone to me. I looked at her and then down at Life's legs that I had perched in the air while I cleaned his bum. She walked over and took the feet from me as I put the phone to my ear.

"Yes?" I asked, trying to sound bitter but in all actuality I was relieved that he had called.

"What is your problem?" He said forcefully. "Come on Celeste, it can't be that bad. So you're upset, what happened? Did Life keep you up all night? Or did he have a fever? What happened that was so bad that you felt as though you had to make me feel terrible, I already apologized."

"Apologize? An apology is when you say it and mean it, you selfish idiot, you don't mean it because if you did you wouldn't have tried to convince me that you weren't at the wrong. You make me sick to my stomach!" I hit the end of the phone with my wrist hoping that he realized how angry he made me.

"Celeste, come on, let me hear you complain, I'm all ears. Tell me what's bothering you so." He spoke sarcastically. I felt my stomach turn with hatred towards his comment.

"You really don't deserve it, Rowan." I said and walked back into the room where Iris was holding Life, rocking him slowly. I shoved the phone next to the dirty diaper and then scooped the baby from her arms.

"Celeste," Iris started. "You didn't tell him, did you?"

I motioned towards the phone and then held Life closer, walking over to the bed I felt his tiny fist tighten its grip on my sleeve as if he didn't want me to put him down. I watched as Iris picked up the phone and walked into the hall.

"No Rowan, she's hasn't gone mad, will you listen to yourself…No, no that's not the case either. Listen, Rowan-" It was quiet for a long time as I'm sure he ranted about how angry I made him. She stepped into the other room and I heard no more. I set Life on my bed and then put a blanket against his small back, kissing his forehead I walked out of the room, still looking at him. Iris met me in the doorway and set the phone by her side.

"He's worried."

"I don't care." I mumbled. "It has nothing to do with him, just as much as his old friend that he slept with last night has nothing to do with me. I should have known this was coming…the point in time when we aren't involved in each other's lives."

"Do you care about him?"

I wanted to ask her if she was serious or if she was playing a game, but my mind was quickly traced back to the oath that Rowan and I had made about keeping our love hidden from the outside world. To Rowan and me, Iris was the outside world. It hurt to think that and I felt guilty for it but it was true nonetheless.

"Celeste-"

"Let's not talk about it anymore, okay? What happened is done, let's pretend like everything is fine." I smiled and patted her arm. "Do you want to get something to eat? I'm starving."

"You can't do that." She yelled down the hall. "You can't just let people think you don't care anymore."

I didn't say a word to her the rest of the day and it felt as though she was giving me time to think about what I had done. Time to reflect on my mistakes. I began to think that my only true mistake was letting Rowan go that night at the airport.

.37.

It was late when I heard the screen door open. I was sitting on the back porch, enjoying a cigarette and I figured that whoever had opened the door planned to walk past me and go to the barn. No one had spoken to me during dinner and Iris wouldn't let me touch Life. I felt as though I was getting a terrible silence treatment just because I wouldn't let people help. I didn't understand it.

"Nice night?" I heard a voice mumble and comfortably place himself next to me.

"I can't believe you came all the way back here." I prepared to stand up but he caught my arm. "Please, don't grab me like that." I threw my arm away and nearly tripped over my feet in surprise. His grip hadn't been tight at all. He opened his mouth to speak but closed it again.

"How about you sit down and tell me what happened?" He said his eyes growing with a stern look. I despised that look.

"No, I'm not going to sit down and tell you something you don't want to hear." I found tears beginning to form in my eyes like I was child being disciplined and not wanting to fess up to my mistakes.

"I think I deserve some sort of explanation as to why you would do this to yourself! You put yourself in a situation in which you had no control over! Celeste, he could have easily taken complete advantage of you!" I looked to the ground, trying to hide the tears that had begun to form in her eyes. "I am disgusted with you and your choice of action. What about our son, is this who his mother is?" I looked up at him and took each word that he was delivering and trying to maintain my composure. I felt a growing knot in the back of my throat as my breath became staggered. "Obviously you're not the women I fell in love with, Celeste. What are you going to do the next time you need something, huh? You going to give everyone sex in exchange for something?"

There was a long stretch of silence as I starred at him.

"There is nothing you could say that I have not already thought of about myself." I remained steady as my eyes pierced through his.

It got quiet as he folded down in front of me, shaking his head back and forth.

"But who am I to talk, right? That must be what you're thinking. I probably lost the right to say it as well. You're stronger better then all of that, Celee. I want to murder the man that did that to you." He looked up at me with tired eyes, bags enfolding beneath them. "I tried to…comprehend what happened. I tried to…but all I could…feel is how terribly angry I was and how I wanted to beat him to death. I am so sorry, Celeste. I am so sorry that I wasn't there." He choked on his tears but stopped himself, shaking his head in protest. I sat down next to him, a bit numb from the exchange of words. "That won't happen again."

"Even if it does, who's to say you'll be there, Rowan?"

"Celeste," he brought his hand to my cheek and moved his thumb back and forth beneath my chin. I tried to pull away but I couldn't move.

"I'm not strong enough and today proved it…I'm no stronger than you and all of this time I thought---" I lost all control over my emotions as I fell into his chest and sobbed against his shoulder the tears overwhelming me.

"Sh, don't cry. It's okay. Everything is okay. I won't let it happened again, I swear it." He whispered, and then pecked the side of my head. I forced myself to stop crying and pulled away putting my forehead against my hand.

"I'm sorry." I mumbled, wiping at my nose. "Did I disappoint you?" I looked over at him. He didn't move for a while but let the silence continue as he tore off strands of grass and ripped them into tiny pieces.

"You didn't disappoint me Celeste, you just worry me sometimes. I reckon I can't imagine what I do to you." He looked over at me and smiled, pulling me towards him. "I love you and we'll get through this, okay? You won't have to…endure this pain alone." He leaned in and kissed me, bringing his hand to the left side of my face. "I love you." He repeated as he pulled away briefly, pressing my lips gently against his. I curled up against him and rested my face gently in the crease between his chin and his shoulder. Closing my eyes I tried to somehow forget what had gone on.

"You know, sometimes I wish that there was a place for all of the anger that builds up inside of people." The comment that he spoke came out softly as if he truly wasn't angry. "But then, that would be impossible because anger is an emotion and if you don't have it, then you're emotionless…and to be that would be…terrible."

"Well, which would you rather have? Anger…rage, sadness and happiness or…nothing?"

"Without all of that life would be meaningless."

"Maybe." I sighed and moved closer.

"You forgot one." He looked over at me out of the corner of his eye. Bringing his index finger he swept it against my cheek. "You forgot about love." He smiled and then looked back out into the empty darkness.

We didn't speak much after that and yet we had to have been outside for nearly an hour. When we finally moved ourselves back into the dark house we realized that everyone had gone to bed. I debated on whether or not to invite him into the room but as he walked towards the staircase I realized he was going up to his bedroom. The one that Oella had done up for him whenever he felt like staying the night and the room that I had stayed in the first night we came for supper.

"Goodnight." Our hands stayed linked until the wall separating the hallway to my room and the hallway to his broke into our path.

"Rowan?" I spoke as he made the short distance to the staircase. He stopped on the first step and looked over at me. "Do you leave in the morning?"

He nodded in response and then itched beneath his nose.

"I have to shoot a few scenes tomorrow…I'm coming back late tomorrow night though, I want to see you again."

"Okay." I smiled and then turned to leave.

"Celeste?" He asked. I turned around to see him on the third step as he leaned down so that he could still see me. "Don't be afraid to tell me things, fear is what will force us apart. Nothing is too great that you can't depend on family. Do you understand?"

I nodded and then turned to leave.

"You're not alone in any of this. Don't forget that, okay?"

"Don't say things you aren't sure of." I mumbled, my back still turned from him.

"I'm sure of that, Celeste. No matter what, I'm there. I care about you. Regardless of where I am, that will never change."

"Thank you." I whispered and then walked the rest of the way to my room, my eyes beginning to grow heavy I finally realized how late it was. A few minutes past two I crawled into bed next to Life, his body beginning to take up more room in the bed then it used to. I smoothed his hair with my hand and then kissed him gently on the forehead.

When I awoke it felt as though I had only been asleep for a couple of minutes, yet in reality a week had passed and all that I had seemed motivated to do was eat and occasionally participate in the family activities. Life was out of bed and the door was perched open. I rolled onto my back and starred at the ceiling debating on whether or not to check the clock. I sat up and moved to the side of the bed, letting my feet fall against the floor.

"Do you want something to eat?" A voice far too close asked. I screamed, turning around as Chloe let out a laugh, surprised that she had scared me.

"You scared me." I barely got out, standing up.

"I see that." She continued to laugh while putting clothes over Life's head.

"What time is it?" I asked, walking over to her.

"A little after noon…you sure do sleep a lot for someone who's trying to find a job." She smiled and winked just like Iris had so often done.

"What are you saying? That I'm lazy?"

"Did those words escape my mouth?" She gave me a look and then put Life on her hip. "All I'm saying is that we love you here but for your own sake, get some fresh air. When was the last time you brushed your teeth?"

"Does my breath smell?" I began to get worried.

"No, no of course not." She rolled her eyes and grinned at me. "Just do something today. The weather is beautiful. Go run outside and jump into the lake if you want to, just do something! We're taking Life to the zoo."

"You are?" I looked over at my son. "Are you going to the zoo, my baby? Are you? I used to love the zoo." I tickled his stomach gently and then kissed his cheek. "Fine, Chloe you convinced me! I will go swimming!" I laughed and rushed over to make my bed.

"You know what I mean." She headed towards the door.

"I know." I threw over my shoulder and quickly got dressed.

Forty-five minutes later I opened the door to Rowan's truck and got into it, the heat of the car almost overwhelming me.

"When you coming back?" Iris yelled, rushing over to the car.

"When I have a place to live." I smiled and shut the door, the invisible window already rolled down.

"You take care of yourself, okay? I don't want to have to come fishing for more clean clothes." She hit the hood of the car with her hand and waved with the other. I waved back and pulled out of the yard, heading towards town.

When I arrived at Jakes for breakfast I realized that it was past lunch.

"Eggs?" He looked down at me, a sarcastic remark inching it's way to his mouth.

"No, Jake. Not eggs…I will have a…salad." I handed him the menu with a smirk on my face.

"That's more like it. How is that young one of yours doing? Is he growing like a weed?"

"Not just a weed, but teeth too." I smiled as he sat down in front of me.

"I sure have missed seeing you around, Celeste…when life gets short it almost makes you want to spend all of it with people you love."

"That's very true." I agreed.

"You know, young one…if I could give you everything I would, but of course, I can not. All I ask is that you take care of yourself."

"I'm trying." I added in.

"Yes, but do what you heart knows best. The public and your mind will tell you things that are untrue, but your heart is the only thing that will always be faithful. What is that song…"

"Let your heart be your guide." I mumbled slowly remembering them as if they were from my childhood.

"That is right. If you do that, life will treat you well, you will have happiness and…time won't be so meaningless."

"But when you have all the time in the world, why worry, right?" I asked, pouring crème into my coffee.

"No, heavenly, time slips from your grasp like a wet soap bar. You be careful, do you understand? Time is all we have." He put his hand against my cheek and then walked over to the counter to place my order.

Neither my eyes nor my body moved from the position that I had held while listening to Jake. His words were hard to figure meaning to, as they normally are, but like they had done in the past I was sure that sometime soon his words would become crystal clear and once again I would have wished I had listened.

"Here's a salad and the angel hair pasta you like." He smiled and then sat again before me. "And a place to stay? Did you find one?"

"I'm trying." I said with bits of food around my lips. I chewed and swallowed, then took a napkin to my lips. "That's where I'm going after this, Life is just getting too big for the Hawke Estate."

"You are…falling upon them as family, are you not?" Jake stood to refill my glass. When he returned I shook my head.

"I have my family, why would I need another?" I took the last bit of food from my plate and then reached for my purse.

"It is on the house, lovely lady." He grinned. I smiled, appreciated it and as soon as he had left I set a ten dollar bill on the table, one once said, life takes you on roller coasters even if you're afraid of heights. This roller coaster that I was being taken on did not need free food when I have enough money to pay for it.

I walked down the street and caught up with bus, going to the next stop and then getting off. I found myself in a cozy area, the Florida sun beginning to beat down on me even for the coming fall weather. I loved fall in Florida, it always seemed to be the perfect temperature. I stopped to rub my blistered heal, leaning against a pool of some kind. I heard behind me a door close and someone walk down the sidewalk and past me. Retracing their steps I saw a cozy looking building, sending off a cottage look but yet standing at least three stories high and a sign displayed across the front that read The Elms. I smiled, finding this place perfect and even as I knocked on the door and tried to peak through the curtain I began to imagine what the rooms would look like if the outside was this wonderful.

"Yes?" A woman opened the door about an inch so that her nose was the only thing visible.

"Are you renting out anymore rooms?" I asked, speaking loudly so she would hear me.

"My dear, child, I'm not deaf. Come in, come in." She motioned with her right hand and walked up four steps onto a floor lined with rooms. She stopped at the top of the steps and motioned for me to stay where I was. "What's your name?" She was a bit overweight and her hair and skin showed her age. She seemed short but I couldn't tell now that she was four steps higher then I.

"Celeste Doisneau." I spoke, looking down the four steps that sat to my left and then looking up the four steps then sat at my right.

"And you're interested in getting a room?" She looked at me and then turned to walk down the hall. I rushed up the steps and followed her.

"Yes, I've been living at a friend's house but I feel I'm ready to move back into my own place." I rushed to keep up with her quick pace. She stopped as she approached another set of steps.

"Right, well, great story. I'm Beth, I own all of these and I have one just for you." She said and made her way slowly up the steps. "I have a bad knee so you better have a really horrible and frightening reason for my to come all the way to the third floor." She walked a few more feet from the steps and stopped in front of a room with nine in gold letters above the door. There was a screen door with wooded plates that she opened first and then with handle of keys she opened another door. I walked into the tiny hallway and to my left was a bathroom with a closet and a tub much smaller then my other one but it looked much more convenient to bathe Life in. She motioned me towards the kitchen where cupboards, a small stove and a refrigerator sat.

"This looks ancient, which truly appears as works of art, how old is this building?"

"About a hundred years old. But don't worry, closed up the doors in the hallway where they used to deliver milk and groceries so no one will be botherin you. Do you live alone?" She asked and walked over to the main room where a bed, a dresser and two shelves built into the wall sat.

"Um, yes. Well, I have a son but he's just a baby."

"How old?" She crossed her arms.

"Eight months?" I had begun to lost track.

"Right, well, okay, his crib can go-"

"No, he'll sleep in bed with me, it's fine." I smiled and then continued to walk around in the kitchen.

"Do you have a job?" She asked, opening the window blinds. I paused and didn't reply for a while. "Well, okay. If you really need a job I have a three-story apartment building to clean, just sweeping and dusting, nothing real hard but I will take half off of your rent. Depending on how much work you do, I may let you stay for free." She shrugged, debating on whether or not to say the last sentence she shrugged and walked towards the door.

"Thank you." I sighed, a smile spread from ear to ear and rushed over to her folding my arms around her.

"Listen child, lay off. I don't do that hugging thing." She mumbled and walked towards the door. She turned around to hand me my key and then left. For the first time in the past week I felt at ease and comfortable with the choice I made to move to Gainesville.

.38.

"Do you want us to stay with you?" Iris rested herself against my table in the kitchen while boxes and random items sat across the room. Chloe sat with Life on the floor while Oella busied herself in the kitchen.

"It truly is a cozy place to live." Oella spoke from the kitchen.

"It's perfect." I nodded approvingly. Iris sighed, wiping at forehead and then went over to turn up the air conditioning that sat in the window.

"It's a lot different then your other place," Chloe said, walking over to me.

"I know, but different is good. My apartment that I had over there is something I need to leave behind."  
"Celeste, you have to do something to pay your debts off…he could multiply them and end up suing you…maybe you should just give him some extra money and gradually—"

"I have to go back there?" I asked, looking over at her.

"I imagine so, we can all go with you if you—" Iris spoke up.  
"No, you didn't tell me I had to go back there." I began to get worried, the ball of pain falling into the pit of my throat.

"Celeste," Iris followed me to the bathroom as I began to unpack a box of items that belonged in there.

"I can't face him again." I stopped her from continuing as I placed the item back into the box. "I wanted to forget his face, I wanted to forget I ever knew him."  
"Okay, that's fine. I'll go, it'll all work out fine." She assured me, wrapping her arms around my shoulders.

I felt safe at The Elms and even with Beth's constant nag and Rowan's very few visits I knew that this would be a place Life would remember. I wasn't planning on leaving anytime soon.

It was late and I had finished cleaning the entire apartment building that day. Life was already asleep when I returned to the room. I took of my shoes and placed them by my bed, sitting against it. I debated on whether or not to fall asleep then or take a shower and brush my teeth. I felt my head hit the pillow even though I was planning on at least brushing my teeth. I heard a knock, which seemed only a couple of minutes later, but when I looked at the clock two hours had passed. I struggled to get up and reach the door.

"Who is it?" I left the bolt on but opened the door a crack. I saw Rowan standing there, a coat draped around his body. I closed the door again to unbolt the lock; he walked in as I closed the door. I walked over to turn on the kitchen light so that I could see his face. It was pale, his lips were chapped and pressed tightly together as he folded and unfolded his hands.

"Celeste," He walked towards me and put his hand on my cheek.

"What happened?" I found myself barely able to speak.

"Today…I went to see Jake and set up another show…" His voice broke as his bottom lip began to tremble. "And they said, they told me that he hadn't come to work that day so I went over to his apartment to see if he was home and his sister was there."  
"Sister?" I tear slid down my cheek as I stood quite still.

"So she said, but…I walked in and it was quiet…" He bit his lip and then turned towards the table. "She said that he had cancer in his liver and that he had died that morning, I was unable to comprehend what she meant because Jake never seemed ill…ever." He looked over at me as I tried to catch my breath, but all that came out was tiny sounds of grief and sobs. I fell against his chest as he slowly tried to comfort me but could hardly do so through his own tears. "This is how he wanted it to happen." I felt his breath against my neck in a comforting way.

"How could he keep this to me?" I mumbled, moving myself closer to his body heat.

"My mother says that good people do what God put them on this earth to do and then He brings them home."

"God just takes the people we love away from us."  
"No Celeste," He pulled me away and roughly gripped my shoulders as I continued to sob. "God does not give us more then we can handle. It was his time." He replaced me in his grasp. "I can't imagine the pain he was in and now its over."

We didn't speak any more after that but instead he stroked the small of my back, sharing comforting words every few minutes. I moved to the bed and slid under the sheets as he kneeled next to it, his hand not releasing from mine. I let my eyes close about thirty minutes later, Rowan's hand tucked next to mine as he lay on the edge of the bed, his head propped up against his hand.

"Celee." He whispered.

"Hm?" I responded.

"I think it's time to let go." He tugged gently on my hand as he stood out of bed. I nodded, tears welling up in my eyes as I tried to hold them back.

He reached for a scrap of paper he had brought with him and took the page out, tearing it loudly and leading me to the window. He opened it, letting the cold breeze fill the room making my once comforting room feel so empty. He tore up the paper into tiny pieces then reached for my hand again, stepping closer to the window. He threw the paper out sending it into a rain of squares as they flew down onto the ground at different speeds. He took my arm and pulled me next to me, curling up close to me. He then began to cry against my neck, holding me tighter and stronger.

To this day I still have no idea what he wrote on that paper. It could have been anything really, or nothing at all to do with Jake. The only thing I know is that that was the way that Rowan had to let go. He had to openly dismiss it and it had to be immediately or else he would hold onto things forever. I've tried that since then but it never seems to work like it did for him. I've never really wondered why.

The next morning the weather was overcast and I felt myself not wanting to leave my bed. I heard the sound of forks and plates clattering from the kitchen and a hushed voice whispering every once in a while. I reluctantly moved from my bed and walked into the kitchen as Rowan looked up and smiled at me, holding Life in front of him he swayed back and forth.

"Good morning, sweet heart." I gave him a look wondering why he was now starting with the terms. I walked to the stove to see fresh oatmeal cooking. I reached for a plate but dropped it as reality hit me.

"It wasn't a dream." I brought my hand to my mouth and began to cry, bending over in sobs.

"Celeste, okay, come here." He set Life somewhere and rushed over to me, kneeling on the floor in front of me he coaxed me towards a chair. I had no desire to sit in a chair as I remained on the tile floor.

"I'm sorry." He struggled to get a hold of my cheeks so that my eyes were forced to look at his. "I know it hurts, it hurts terribly, but I'm here. I'm here for you." His words trailed off into whispers as he sat in the middle of my kitchen rocking me like I was a young child.

The funeral was to be the following Wednesday. I put Life in a pair of overalls and a shirt that Jake had gotten him a few sizes too big when he was born. I walked in front of Rowan who carried Life and tried to keep myself balanced and composed. The casket was closed and he had been cremated. His sister sat in the front row of the tiny church and held a black vale over her face, much like the one Jackie Kennedy wore at her husband's funeral. I sat next to her as Rowan walked around with Life to keep him from whining.

"I'm sorry about your brother." I mumbled, trying to keep myself from tears.

"I'm just sorry I put off being close with him." She sniffed, but not as if she had been crying but as if she was upset.

"He was a wonderful person." I felt my voice nearly giving out.

"Are you Celeste?" She turned towards me so that I could just barely picture her nose and mouth.

"Yes." Suddenly my voice was nearly gone and it was a struggle to speak through the tight ball in my throat.

"He cared about you so much." She spoke, her voice wavering. "You were the daughter he had always wished for and the friend he always needed. You had a special bond with him." I couldn't respond right away but just wiped at my tears. "You know, after his wife and child died he did not talk to anyone much. He started the business and put all of his time and effort into it—"  
"His wife died?" I shook my head. "He never said that."  
"He never wanted to admit it, it was hard. There was a terrible fire and he was at the restaurant slaving away at adding the finishing touches. When he came home the apartment building was gone and so were his wife and daughter. But when you arrived in his life he had new meaning and a new reason to laugh." I smiled, pleased at her comment and noticing the same Jamaican accent made me feel like he wasn't as far away as I had thought.

"How do you know all this?" I asked, letting the tears sit against my cheeks.

"It was all in his Will. He left a letter and the restaurant to you." She handed me a small envelope and reached for my hand.

"I don't deserve this." I sobbed.

"But maybe people get things that they don't deserve. I got to spend the last few hours of his life with him and Lord knows I didn't deserve it. Our childhood was rough and unbalanced but the one thing that kept us grounded were each other. We did everything together but after we came to the States, the culture changed us and we saw ourselves as different people. Have you ever made a mistake that if you could you would take back instantly?"

I nodded quickly.

"That is how living my life without him felt." She stopped and put a tissue underneath her vale. "You were able to spend his dying years with him and I was able to spend his living years with him. I couldn't have asked for anything more."

"Why didn't he tell me about the cancer?"

"He did not tell anyone about the cancer, child. He never would, it would have made him lose his pride and image of a man. Do you not see that?"

"But that's so selfish." I shook my head in disagreement.

"Maybe, yes, but if he had…what would you have done?" She put her hand against my cheek and wiped at the tears that slipped down.

"Been there to help." I barely got out.

"But you already were." She gathered me in a hug and left me there for a few minutes. I stopped crying as someone else approached to give her their condolences and then move on with their lives. I pulled away and stood up; putting my hand on her shoulder I walked over to Rowan and Life.

"I figured we could sit over there," He pointed a few feet away with Life perched in front of him. I shook my head and drew in my breath.

"No, let's go."

"Go? But Celeste-"

"He knows I cared about him, that's all that mattered. He wouldn't have wanted us to stay." I slipped my arm around Rowan's waist and rested my fingers on his belt loop as we walked towards the doors and out to the car.

"I'm proud of you." He pecked my forehead.

I didn't respond but slipped into the car and opened the envelope that sat in my hands. Life had fallen asleep and the day had come and gone. It was around nine and Rowan waited to start the car.

"What is that?" He leaned towards me.

"His Will." I mumbled.

"Jake's? Did she give it to you?" He asked.

I nodded and slid out an envelope and a few other pieces of paper. I kept the letter in my hand and read over the paper that gave me ownership of the land that the restaurant was built on.

"What are you going to do?" He rested his hand on my seat.

"I don't know." I mumbled. "I could sell the land and buy a house…a real house." I looked over at him as he pulled away and put his hand on the stirring wheel.

"That would be good, something for Life to grow up in."  
"What? You don't like the idea."

"It's not that. You need to either close it or keep it, you can't just let the restaurant sit there."

"Right…you're right. Will you drop me off there?"

"Celeste," He glanced in the backseat.

"I'll take a bus home, please? Just put Life in bed and wait for me there, I won't be long I promise." He pulled out of the parking lot and drove down an empty street.

"I want to go with you." He said after a few moments.

We arrived at Jake's and left Life asleep in the car. I unlocked the door and walked into the empty restaurant and for the first time I realized how dark and old it looked. It was much more of a bar and a place for bands to play then I had remembered. The booth in the corner had just always been the first thing to catch my eye. Rowan and I walked around in our own separate paces but stopped every few minutes to remind each other of something.

"We could keep it open for a week so people know that Jake…that he…" I found myself unable to say it.

"I think that would be too hard." Rowan spoke from his position on the stage.

"Maybe." I mumbled and walked over to the booth that I had always looked forward to relaxing in. Rowan joined me seconds later and slid his hands across the table, reaching for mine.

"Rowan?" I asked before taking his hands. "What is going to happen when you leave?"

"What are you talking about?" He retrieved his hands back in front of him and leaned closer.

"When you die, which may be a long time from now, but when you do, what will I do then?" At the thought I felt myself begin to cry again.

"Celeste," He quickly moved from one side of the booth and next to me, wrapping his arm around my shoulder.

"I am not planning to go anywhere anytime soon, okay? Not to worry, love. Please don't worry." He kissed the side of my head and then rubbed his hand gently against the upper part of my arm.

For twenty minutes we sat in our booth and talked about all of our memories with Jake and all of the things we regret not telling him.

.39.

Weeks passed and November was quickly approaching. I had been noticing the dedication Rowan was building to try and make Life and I feel safe. His filming was continuing but he would return home more often then he had used to. He tended to do the little things, such as to make sure that I had done something with my day or that Life had been taught something at least once a week. Life had begun to walk, early for his age, and his vocabulary thanks to the Hawke family had even begun to grow.

Rowan was gone but I was having dinner at his family's house. The table was full of conversation but I kept mostly to myself while Iris fed the baby.

"We're very sorry to hear about Jake, Celeste." Oella spoke up at a quiet moment. I didn't respond right away because I wasn't sure how to.

"Yes, so was I." I responded.

"Rowan said something about the restaurant…" Iris spooned food onto Life's plate as he reached for it with his small hands.

"Right, Jake left it to me. I suppose I have a choice, I could sell it and use the money or keep it open and live off of that." I explained.

"Either way, he left you with the biggest part of him. He put so much time into that restaurant." Oella said gently.

"I believe the biggest part of him was his kindness and I know that will never be forgotten." I smiled and looked back to my plate.

It was quiet for a while as Chloe finally spoke up.

"I got a letter from Yorke…he's coming home for Christmas."

"Is he?" Oella's eyes lit up.

"That's what he said, whether or not it's for a permanent stay, I'm not sure."

"Will you be in Gainesville for Christmas, Celeste?" Iris asked. I just shrugged and leaned over with a napkin to wipe at Life's mouth.

After the dishes had been cleaned, Chloe and Iris took Life to the barn; Oella sat in front of me with a hot cup of tea pressed between her hands.

"How do you do it, Oella?" I spoke slowly.

"Do what, darling?" Her warm, genuine smile spread itself across her lips.

"How do you…hold yourself up? How do find the strength to live…to be responsible for so many things? Are you scared?"  
"Are you?"

"I'm terrified." I forced the lump in my throat to disappear.

"I wish I could tell you that I'm just strong, but I'd be lying. I'm a terribly weak person and their father knew that. I gave in to everything." She ran her hand down her blouse, wiping off a few crumbs. "I don't find the strength in myself, Celeste…God gives me the strength I need in the amounts He knows I need it. He provides when I fail and He gives me a hope that…that I didn't realize I needed until then."

"Sometimes I think I need that, Oella."

"We all do, love. It's not very hard to grasp God. He's always there."

"But I have nothing to give. I have a child out of wedlock and I refuse to talk to my parents and the father of my child is unfaithful to me. What would God have to say about all the choices I have made?"

"That He loves you anyway. He's faithful, Celee…not judgmental."

"I don't know. I just wish that sometimes everything that gets so hard could just be avoided."  
"But then life would be pointless. The trials are what we have to get through to make us stronger, love. You are strong because of what you've gone through. Rowan is strong because what he's done. My children are strong but there's a difference between being strong and knowing the grace that God has for us. You don't have to let it all be your troubles."  
"I can't blame it on God, Oella…He did nothing."

"Don't blame it on Him, rely on Him for it. Trust me, dear; nothing is so horrible that it's worth ruining a day over. Right?"

I smiled slightly and took her hand from across the table.

"No one has ever spoke to me with such passion and love, Oella."

"Sometimes you have to look for those kind of things, love. You're more then welcome to ask me anything anytime you would like to. I'm always there."  
"Thank you."

"The Lord says that in the midst of trouble there is hope and I believe that we need to hold onto that with every fiber in our being and refuse to loosen our hold."

I nodded, finishing the rest of my tea and setting the empty cup on the saucer in front of me. "Good night Oella. I love you." I pecked the top of her head and walked towards the front door and to the barn but only to see them approaching me.

I found myself admiring Oella like I had never done before. I had always looked to her as an older and guiding woman but never before like this. I adored everything about her and I wanted to be able to tell someone, but I didn't realize then that my son would also see the side of Oella that I had grown to love

When my son was twelve, he had just realized who his grandmother was and I figured that was my fault.

I watched from my position by the window, my hands pealing back the curtain just enough so I could see. The screen was out and the empty air flew throughout the house.

"Have you ever painted?" I heard her ask him, her thick British accent sounded gentle and warm.

"Nope…David does most of the painting."

"Is he a painter?" She asked, leaning over to pick up a bucket.

"Uh, no." Life laughed hard, his entire face moving in laughter. "He's an architect."  
"An artist?"

"Sure." Life shrugged, bending over next to her. "What are ya doing?"

"I'm mixing paint."

"For what?" He seemed interested.

"To paint the fence, silly boy." She ran her hand threw his hair smiling at him briefly.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"My mom tells me stories about you, but I just wanted to make sure they were true." He squinted from the bright sun.

"Of course they are." She winked and threw up a paintbrush so that the light blue color hit his cheeks. "You think your mother would lie?" As a reaction to the spattered paint he grabbed a brush and dunked it in the bucket, throwing it across the grass so that it barely hit her shoe. "A mother is the most noble—" She ran from him, rushing over to the fence. He followed slowly behind, carrying the bucket and a few brushes. "The most kind and loving person you'll ever meet…she cares more about you then anyone you will ever know." She continued, while applying paint to the fence. "It never stops, you know. Being a mother."  
"Okay, okay." He was getting annoyed as he itched at his collar.

"Even when you're old…and you don't think you need it anymore."  
"Do you get tired of it?"

"Sure you do, you get tired of everything if you do it for too long."

"That's for sure…like painting."

"Stop. It's been, five minutes? You need some toughness in you Life, I can tell already."  
"I'm tough!" He declared.

"Do you know what Yorke did when he was little?" Oella bent over so she could look directly in his eyes. "In the summer he lived in his swimming trunks and he would spend every possible minute out in the sun."

"So? I do that too." Life pulled away.

"And when it rained, do you know what he would do?" She threw her brush in the air, catching it perfectly and then continuing her large sweeps across the boards. "He would throw himself at the rain as if it was stopping him from having a perfect day. He would stand in the rain until I had to drag him into the house, kicking and screaming sometimes. He would stay outside forever if I had allowed it."

"Why didn't you? Were you mean to him?"

"No, no that's not it. When it rains in really hot places it's…almost as if the water is heavy. A monsoon they call it. It's dangerous and Yorke was only six…he was a lot younger then you are."

"How do you know how old I am?" Life was suddenly defensive again.

"I do. I know a lot of things that would surprise you." She ended it with that, walking back towards the paint bucket so she could continue.

It was quiet for a few minutes as Life stood, contemplating what she had said.

"Like what?" He approached her and began to follow her movements against the boards.

They talked for hours that day, spending every second discussing something that Life had wanted to know and either I didn't know the answer or had no desire of telling. I wish I had given my son the opportunity to love Oella the way I had, hopefully he will someday.

"Are you heading home tonight?" Iris yelled, Life on her hip.

"Planning on it." I scooped him from her arms.

We walked back into the house to gather Life's things when the phone rang.

"Will you get the telephone Celeste and I'll get his things?" Iris threw over her shoulder as she walked into the next room. I made my way over to the telephone and picked up.

"Hello?" I asked.

"Um, hello?" A voice responded.

"Yorke, how are you?" I stated awkwardly.

"Fine, just fine, is mother home?"

"Yes, let me get her-"

"Celeste, wait." He said quickly. "I hope things are well with you?"

He sounded different, as if he had grown more knowledge and maturity.

"They are, thank you."  
"And how is Life?"

"He's doing great."

"Good to hear. It's nice to hear your voice again, Celeste."  
"And yours too." I muttered.

"I'll see you in a little while, you take care, okay?"

"Yes, I will try." I set the phone down and went to get Oella.

The conversation was short yet just enough to let me know that the friendship I had cared so much about was still in existence.

It was Halloween night and I sat in the entrance of my apartment building holding a bucket of candy for the kids that would come by. Life sat on the floor by my feet and interested himself in my shoelaces while baby talking to himself. The door opened and I reached for candy in the bucket and picked out two pieces. I held it up to greet the person when I felt every emotion possible pass through me, my throat fell to the pit of my stomach when I saw him.

"Luke?" I barely got out and stood up while pulling him into a hug.

"You…you know, you're okay. Yeah, you're okay." He spoke pointing at me before going into a fit of laughter. I hugged him again and kissed his cheek, then with my arm wrapped around his shoulder I knelt down next to Life.

"Lukie this is my son, Life…he's your nephew."

"Yeah, well he's my nephew."

"Can you say hi?" I ran a hand through Life's hair.

"Hi, my little nephew." He repeated the sweep that I had done and then stood up to look around.

"Luke, how did you get here?" I asked as he leaned down to look into my bowl.

"No, Celeste, you just stop…you are bad, you are bad because you said you would come home, ya know? You said you would come home." He looked up at me as I rushed over to him and gave him a hug.

"I'm so sorry that I didn't come home, Luke…I wish I would have never left you with them."

"No, see there's not so bad, see…they're good. We miss you though; see…you come home, soon. Okay?"

"Okay, I've never stopped missing you." I felt the tears slip down my cheeks as I quickly brushed them away.

I heard another door opened and turned to see Yorke, his hands in his pockets with a small smile on his face. Luke leaned down to pay more attention to Life as I rushed over to Yorke.

"You did this?" I asked.

"I picked him up on the way home, it was not a big deal." He smiled. "I've missed you and I regret not keeping in touch with you. I just came back for Chloe's birthday, it's a surprise."

"Yorke, thank you so much." I gave him a hug while I began to cry against his shoulder. "I don't deserve this."

"Maybe not, but he did." Yorke assured me.

I pulled away and nodded, putting my hand on his back.

"I promised your parents I would have him back by tomorrow morning…my father's here for a few days as well."  
"You talked to my parents?" I began to get worried.

"Your mother, I told her you were fine but wanted to see your brother…she understood, was terribly concerned about you and let him come with me."  
"I can not believe she let him come with you." I was shocked.

"Yes well, she did…have fun, okay? I'll be back in the morning to pick him up for our flight at nine." He turned to leave but I caught his arm.

"Yorke? Thank you." I said quietly.

"Sure thing." He nodded and closed the door behind him.

Walking up the stairs my brother and I sat on the floor of my apartment and talked about every inch of the room while I told him of my job at the art museum and briefly about Rowan and his acting. Luke was extremely fascinated with films and would obsess over them knowing almost every detail of past movies. I showed him pictures and made him some supper while he told me briefly about home and the condition that it was in.

"See, father does not live home anymore, ya see…he, he moved out, ya know…"

"Oh, he left?"

"Well, yeah, yeah, he did."

"Are you okay with that?"

"Um, no…no not really." He mumbled.

I kissed his forehead and realized how late it was. We both fell asleep on the carpeted floor while I told him childhood stories our father had told us when we were younger. When we woke up there was a knock at the door and we quickly realized it was Yorke.

"Hey pal, how are things?" He approached Luke in the corner.

"Um, yes, they're good…" Luke mumbled but moved further into the back of the room.

"It's time to go Lukie." I coaxed, walking over to him.

"But, you see, no, I can not go…I have to stay here with Life, okay? So you just go ahead without me." He pushed away my hands.

"Luke-"  
"No!" He yelled, sitting down.

"Luke, come here buddy, it's time to go…your mother needs you." I looked at Yorke to hear the words that were coming out of his mouth, the same thing I needed to learn.

"Well mother…see, she's old though, okay? She's old. Celeste is my sister and she's not, okay? She's not as old as my mother. So you just leave, okay? Just go…" Luke pushed his hands away as I walked past Yorke and gave Luke a hug.

"I love you and I'll see you soon, okay? Why don't you let me write you letters?" I smiled, kissing his forehead. His furrowed brow soon turned into his same caring face as he smiled.

"Yeah! You write me letters, okay? I like that." He kissed my cheek and gave me another excited hug; nearly jumping he rushed past me and reached for Yorke's arm. "Bye!" He waved, and then rushed over to kiss Life goodbye.

"I love you." I mumbled, trying to control the urge of tears.

"Yeah, okay, bye!" He waved again as Yorke stroked my arm and then followed my brother out.

Seeing my brother was like opening a new page of my life, the one where I remembered my family and what I had left behind. It reminded me of all the things I'd lost since I had a baby and since I met Rowan. I don't think the past bothered me as much as what the future held.

Later that day I went to the store with Life, his small hand perched in mind as I picked up a head of lettuce. I admired it and showed it to Life.

"Yuck." He stuck his tongue out in disgust and began to hum loudly, releasing his grip on my hand and walking around me.

"You must be Celeste," I heard a steady voice say behind me, thick with an accent.

"Yes." I nodded.

"I'm Gordan Hawke. I've heard ever so much about you." He leaned casually against a basket of peanuts.

"Yorke's father, are you?" I forced a smile to appear as Life walked closer to me, resting his back against my knees.

"I'm sorry that I didn't meet you earlier." He seemed to be doing the same. "I'm in town for only a short while, I came back to see the others, but I think that Yorke has decided to stay in Gainesville."  
"Has he?" I played with Life's hair.

"I reckon so. You know Celeste, you meet many a people in your lifetime, but its ones that you are constantly reminded of…when every little thing that occurs draws your mind back to them…those are the ones that you should hold onto."

"Oh, really?" I couldn't let my eyes meet his.

"I'm not sure why Yorke came to England with me or why this child is standing in front of you, but I don't see that as any of my business."

I smiled politely. He leaned forward, slowly, and bent down in front of Life.

"Hello there…what is your name?"

Life grew shy and hid behind my legs

."Life…Lifen." I quickly mumbled.

"What a name." His dad sighed gently. "I'll be leaving now, but take care of yourself Celeste. It was wonderful to have met you." He shook my hand earnestly. He again looked down at Life, running his hand through the small boy's hair. "You are…a very special and lucky boy." He grinned, gently tapping Life's chin with his index finger. "Someday when this is all over, Celeste…will you explain it?" It was as if he was scared to make the last comment.

"I have to go." I picked up Life and walked past him, turning around only to smile and give him my condolences. "It was a pleasure to meet you as well. Thank you for bringing my dear friend back to me." I left the store without the lettuce, praying that I could make it to the car without crying.

His words had hit me hard and I wasn't sure exactly what to do with them.

Part 3

My dreams and ambitions were finally proven as I sold Jake's restaurant and decided to put the money in a separate account to only be used when it was absolutely needed. Rowan had begun working on a new film, his hair was shaggier and he had in some strange way grown tired.

It was Life's second birthday and he was probably the happiest little toddler I had ever seen. He had a triangle shaped hat upon his head, the elastic strapping itself around his chin. Oella had arranged a perfect birthday party with the entire family, balloons and decorations cascaded their yard.

"Momma," He itched at the elastic and nudged against my thigh.

"What is it, baby?" I leaned down and took off the hat as he ran after Yorke who picked him up and began to fly him across the empty air.

"And the missile is launched as captain Life soars through the air and up and down and sideways." Yorke twisted and turned as Life went into a fit of hysterics.

Rowan approached with a smile spread across his face as he put his hand on the small of my back.

"Good job raising him, Celeste. He's a work of art, truly." He winked and walked over to Oella.

"Who's the birthday boy?" Oella spoke up with a cake in her hand. Yorke had to get Life's attention in order for him to realize that Oella was talking about him. We sang happy birthday as his little, small and slowly growing face smiled with pride of turning two. All I could do was look at Rowan and wonder how in the world we had gotten that far.

The games begun after lunch and the Hawke family entertained Life with dozens of games they had learned as children. I watched from a whicker chair, enjoying every minute.

"You aren't going to play Musical Chairs, Celeste?" Chloe asked, holding her hand in front of her eyes to block the sun.

"That is quite alright, I'm fine thank you."

"Too mature for that, are you?" Iris grinned.

"Who me? Of course not." I smiled and stood up to join the game.

We played games for nearly an hour until we were all tired and Life could hardly keep his eyes opened. I walked him to a bedroom and pulled the blinds while he sat on the bed, dangling his feet over the edge.

"Are you hot? We can take off your shirt, okay?"

"Me do it." He pushed my hand away as he undid his buttons and slipped off the tiny shirt.

"Go to sleep, now okay? Happy birthday my big boy."

I put him underneath the sheets and kissed his forehead.

"Did you have a good birthday?"  
"Yeah, I had-a go bird-day." He grinned and then kicked his legs in excitement as I walked out of the room.

"Celeste?" Rowan startled me as he walked around the corner, his hands behind his back.

"What?" I hissed.

"I have a surprise for you."  
"You have what?" I hissed again.

"Stay there, okay?" He motioned his hands towards the wall and then rushed outside.

I smiled, leaning against the wall but looking over the corner to see the door still open. I noticed Iris give me a wink and then walk over to me.

"It's your day off, love." She smiled.

"I don't think you understand, I don't get days off." I grinned and then walked towards Life's bedroom door.

"Today ya do." She whispered and pushed me towards the front door.

I could barely make out a car of some kind and a figure standing in front of it. Moving closer I discovered it was a '57 Chevy. I began to giggle as he slouched against the car, a cigarette in one hand and a smirk covering his face. He motioned for me to come over.

"What is this?" I laughed, crossing my arms.

"A treat." He bowed slightly.

"You've got to be kidding me." I replied.

"Not at all. My lady?" He opened the car door for me.

I shook my head, then got into it, sliding across.

"You're in for a fabulous day." He muttered, starting the car.

"Oh yeah?" I set my leg under my other one and stretched my arm across the seat, running my fingers through the back of his hair.

"Yes." He smiled, looking over at me.

"How did you work this out?" I rested my head on his shoulder.

"Just a little bit of planning."  
"Did you buy this car?" I asked softly.

He shrugged.

"Kind of."

"Rowan." I began to grin.

"It's a friend's of the families." He gave in, looking over at me and laughing. "But hey, it's mine for today…ours and I'm not going to let anything else get to me. Was Life asleep?"

"Yeah, I think so, and I know Iris will take good care of him. Does she know about this?"

"They all do. A little bit of a relaxation for all the hard work you've done the last two years." He shrugged.

"…What's this really for Rowan?" I asked slowly.

"What do you mean?" He released one hand from the steering wheel and wrapped it around me.

"Are you leaving again?" I asked.

"Yeah." He muttered.

"Why?" I whispered.

"It's not my plan, Celee…it's my career. My plan is so far from that."

"What is your plan?" I scooted closer.

"To marry you."

I nudged him.

"To marry you and have a family. To make love to you every night and not worry about anyone else because I will have a steady job as a—"  
"Musician."  
"Right. A musician…a retired actor living off of the money from that…but nothing huge…I would sing at random clubs and have enough to get us by. We would have regulars that would come to listen."

I laughed, rolling my eyes.

"And me?"

"You would be happy." He muttered. "You would own your own damn museum and turn it into a modern art museum. You would help raise the children…our house would be a mess."

"A disaster. Between your music and instruments lying everywhere we would have my paints and canvases collected on the floors."

"And the toys, the doll house and fire truck…the dog that we bought last Christmas…the bird that we're about to get rid of."  
"The vacation house in England."

"Mm." He said with agreement. "The farm that sits behind our house."  
"The lawn that always needs mowed."

"Our life would be perfect."

"If life could be like that." I sat up strait so that my shoulder was still touching him. "But I like it fine the way it is now."

It was quiet for a while, not a word was said as we drove silently the cool air hitting our cheek and letting my hair circle against the seat.

"Where are you taking me?" I whispered, leaning closer.

"It's a surprise." He responded.

"Just tell me."

"I can't."

"Rowan-"  
"You'll see." He itched closer to me and began to kiss my forehead, his eyes still focused on the road.

He turned up the music and blasted it sending us both into song. We danced, allowing the empty road in front of us to be our dreams the car our spirits as we laughed and talked. It was near noon when we stopped, Rowan had to use the bathroom and I needed to stretch.

"I'll be right back." He promised.

I relaxed on the grass by the car, laying flat on my back watching the clouds move. It was a beautiful day the way the clouds mixed with the sun and then the nature that surrounded me.

"Do you smell that?" Rowan walked up in front of me, looking down at my body.

"No." I sat up, glancing around.

"It's the ocean." He sat down next to me and cupped my chin with his hand and kissed me.

"The ocean?" I squealed, attacking him with a hug and forcing him to fall back.

"Oh, I didn't tell you where we were going?" He laughed his eyebrows going up a bit.

"No!" I hit him, then stood up. "Come on, let's go."

"You're driving." He threw me the keys.

"Absolutely not." I retorted, missing the throw.

"Celeste, you're driving this car to the beach." He laughed.

"Rowan I can't." I whined.

"Why?"

"Because…I'll break it."

"You will not."

"I will too."  
"Get into the car and drive it."  
I shook my head.

Minutes passed and I reluctantly got into the car setting the key into the ignition.

"But I don't even know who's it is! They'll hate me if I break their car!"

"Celeste." He put his hands on my shoulders and smiled warmly. "No one could ever hate you because I wouldn't speak to them again if they did."

"Rowan," I rolled my eyes, flattered.

"Honest. If anything happened to this car, which, by the way they have no idea I took, then it would be my fault. Plain and simple, now drive. Please." He begged.

I sternly set my foot on the pedal and began to drive, cautiously looking over my shoulder trying as hard as possible not to mess up.

"You're doing fine, relax." He rubbed my shoulder softly.

"Are you sure about this?" I asked, looking over at him.

"Celeste, I swear to you."

"Because I've now driven it, it feels great but I feel much more comfortable letting you-"

"WATCH!" He shouted, pointing to the road as I quickly saw that I was nearly in the other lane a car whipping past us. I quickly corrected myself, all of my breath gone, my face white and pale.

He began to laugh loudly, clapping his hands.

"That was great! You should have seen your face!" He rolled with laughter, nearly screaming.

"Rowan! Shut up! That was not funny! Stop it; I'm serious, damnit Rowan. I am not driving this stupid car, I hate driving." I pulled over and stopped the car folding my arms.

"Don't be a baby." He made a pouting face, frowning at me.

I looked over at him in anger, then begin to giggle softly and then slowly erupted in laughter, returning the car to the highway.

"You owe me big time." I grinned.

We drove for the rest of the time in silence, just the whistle of the breeze and the approaching water. Rowan itched his fingers across the seat and slowly took my hand, smiling at me.

"I'm proud of you." He grinned slightly.

"I _do_ know how to drive Rowan. Surprisingly enough." I replied back.

"No, not that…I mean, I am proud that you're driving the car…but all that you've done. With Jake being gone and my filming between being a father…you've helped Life become a wonderful toddler and you've taught my family so much…Life is amazing. You are who he owes it all. Without you-"

"Stop Rowan, I am not a perfect mother."

"Closest to it."

"You're mother's the perfect mother Rowan, I learn everything I do from her."

He shook his head and sat back as I pulled into a parking lot and turned off the car.

"There's a lot about my family that I can't and will never tell you, Celee…I love them all, but there are some things that if she was a perfect mother she would have done differently."

I didn't answer, but waited for him to continue.

"You don't take your kids to another country just to..." He stopped, biting his lip. "You don't…force them into something that they're too young and too immature to decide. I love my family, Celeste. But I made a promise when I was ten that I would never ever put my children or my family through anything that I had the slightest guilt about." He looked down, his bottom lip quivering. "And that's what hurts the most. I…I hate bringing you and Life into this. I hate the thought of the media finding out about you. I hate the lifestyle, the…pit I've fallen into." He looked out the window and bit at his nail, the tears slipping down his cheeks. I put one hand against his side. "I won't bring you down Celeste. I swear. I'll be the best I know how; I'll take him places. I'll watch him grow, but I will not drown you two into my mistakes. Okay?" He looked up at me, his face covered in tears.

"Rowan, you could never drown us. Don't even think that." I soothed.

"I feel like I already have. I hardly see Life and when I do he wants you to hold him-"

"He's a mama's boy-"

"No, I'm his father Celeste, I want to be a part of his life."

"That's your decision, Rowan. And you are apart of his life…it's hard. Between your career and his own…it's hard. I'd love for him to know you as well as I do."  
He nodded his head and then moved closer to me I stroked his cheeks, kissing it softly.

When we emerged from the car it was around two. We ran onto the sand, slipping, and then in full clothing we ran against the waves, letting the cool water hit our ankles and legs. He laughed, chasing me around the beach for a few minutes, eager to get me wet.

"I don't want to!" I squealed, blocking the water that he kicked at me.

"Celeste?" He yelled against the wind and the waves, holding out his hand and bowing in a completely odd but yet something only Rowan would do.

I gave him a puzzled look, but replied with an odder bow. He took my hand and began to twirl me in circles then bringing our hands together we danced on the sand, our bare feet sliding through the soft ground. I laughed, throwing my head back as music was heard from somewhere, a car perhaps. He hummed to himself, twirling me again and again.

"Let your hair down." He itched at my hair.

I let my hair loose as the wind swept it off my neck.

He kissed my neck softly then began to dance closely, holding my body against his. The vacant beach then caught my eye as he kissed me again this time below my ear lobe. I swayed slowly letting my hair slide against my cheek.

I reached for his hand and then slid my thumb against it. He took it and kissed my hair, my nose and then rested his lips on mine. I took his hand forcefully and led him slowly back to the car as he opened the back seat. Letting me in he stood outside of it for a few minutes and looked at me. He moved in next to me and starred at me from across the car.

"You sure about this?" He asked, itching closer with each word.

I nodded.

He reached for me and kissed me as we slid onto it, the old nylon seats soon becoming uncomfortable.

"I love you Celeste. I have no idea where I'd be without you." He let out short breaths.

We stopped kissing for a couple of seconds as I starred deep into his gaze.

"When time passes and our visits are few…I want you to know that I never regretted any of it." I spoke softly.

He looked at me, pushing my hair away from my cheeks.

"Neither did I." He raised his eyebrows slightly, kissing me again.

By the time we emerged from the car it was near seven and the sun was beginning to set. I rested in his blue shirt and my skirt, my bare ankles resting in the sand while my hair still hung loose. He sat next to me, his shirt off as he only lay in his jeans, his bare feet sliding through the soft sand. He lay on his stomach next to me, trying to keep the hair out of his face.

"Was that smart?" He picked up a handful of sand and let it slide through his fingers.

I shrugged.

"It was right." I leaned over and kissed him.

"Why is it that I feel like everything is right with you? From the moment I saw you in the restaurant I knew you were right…that we were right." He took my hand and examined our entwined fingers.

"I love you." I replied, lying down next to him. "What about marriage, Rowan?" I asked the question simply.

He quickly shook his head.

"It would ruin it." He whispered kindly.

"You think so?"

"I don't know."

That was the last time we ever talked about marriage but I was okay with that. It was the way our relationship worked and any different and it would have scared me. Honestly, I hardly understood what desire had led us to make love that day. I knew that I loved Rowan, but I also realized that I would always love him whether or not we were together. Although it had felt different, it never felt wrong. Sometimes things end up like that, where there's just nothing to say about it. It was a blissful day and I was overly content. As we drove home neither of us said much, just held the others hand and watched as the sun began to set. I believe that we both realized that would be the last time we made love, for times like those don't happen often, only when need be and whether or not one knows when that time is seems to be the idea.

We arrived home a little after ten and I kissed him goodnight before we went inside.

"Welcome back." Oella greeted us while she sat on the porch. I blushed, embarrassed that she saw our kiss but not ashamed. "Your little boy is being entertained by the others…are you staying the night or heading home?"

"Home probably, I have to work tomorrow." I replied and opened the door.

"Momma," Life squealed and rushed towards me. Yorke followed behind him and patted his back as I held him up.

"You've got quite a child." He stroked his rough hair.

"I like to think so." I grinned. "Can you say thank you for watching me?" I asked Life.

"Thank you." He smiled and tilted his head a bit towards Yorke.

"Thank you my little man." Yorke leaned in and kissed his cheek and then messed with his hair again.

"Tell your sisters I said thank you." I smiled and then walked towards the door, nearly bumping into Rowan.

"Good night." He smiled at me, that curious and devious smile I loved.

"Night." I quickly looked away and walked towards the car.

"Bye, bye my love!" Oella waved at Life.

"Can you say bye?" I whispered.

"Bye, bye, Oewa." He yelled as I set him in the car. I turned and waved myself, then started it up.

Within minutes Life was asleep and I was left with the ride home. Now when I look back on that event it was one that I will hold onto for as long as I will live. Life was my pride and joy and to have gotten to experience the opportunity of having a child that I love and cherish is something not many get to experience. I was very proud of Life, and still am.

.40.

Spring approached and brought with it the sweet smell of summer soon to happen. I adored the smell between Spring and Summer, the kind of smell that I could live off of if I had the chance. Life was becoming more curious then I had ever imagined while Rowan's determination to be a good father was steady.

"Do you know what that is? Come here Life, you don't have to do any of that." A beard had grown on Rowan, between his nose and his upper lip and around his chin. I found that it looked as though he had grown older and perhaps even wiser.

"See that? That's called a puppy, can you say puppy?" He pet his dog while we sat on their property in the middle of the afternoon.

"Pupp-ay." Life replied with a hint of an accent. I smiled and stroked his stomach gently.

"What is he to call me?" Rowan squinted through the sunlight at me.

"Papa'?" I suggested.

"No, what if it happens around mother?" He replied and squatted in behind Life and gently put his hands on the child's small stomach. "What's my name, squirt?"

"Dau." He replied, as if dad wasn't said enough and father was too long. Rowan seemed almost too much of a mouthful and a small lisp added in with the Da and the drop of the U seemed nearly incoherent and hardly noticeable, as if we were trying to hide something.

"Sure, that's right." He stood up and looked over at me to see whether or not I was pleased with the response.

"It amazes me how a child can create his own name like that." I walked towards him, wrapping my arms around myself.

"I expected it. Coming into a world like the one we created for him, I'm not surprised at all." He winked and walked towards the house. "I'm almost done wrapping up a film." He smiled proudly.

"What's it called?" I asked, following him.

"I can't tell you that or else the treat would be spoiled, right?" He smiled and kissed my forehead. "Life! Where'd he go?" He looked around, putting his hand as a vizor for his forehead.

Life ran and hid behind a tree in an effort to hide from his father.

"I think he already went into the house." I pointed.

"I didn't see him go before us…Life? Where are you? Come out, come out…" He whispered and walked around trees and bushes until he walked near the tree where he was hiding. Jumping out from behind it, Life attacked him with a fit of giggles and threw his small arms around Rowan's legs.

"My dear, I think I found him." Rowan smiled over at me and picked up Life and threw him over his shoulder as he let out screams of laughter.

That was the last night I saw Rowan for the next three weeks. He was away putting the finishing touches on his film while I stayed and got extra money cleaning the apartment building. Cleaning a three-story building was something that if I had to do again with a wild two year old, I would think otherwise.

"Momma!" Life wailed for the third time at the top of the stairs, three flights above me.

"Lifen, please I asked you not to scream like that." I said quietly and calmly. Beth approached, with both hands perched on her hips she began a small chuckle that started in the pit of her stomach and ended up through her mouth.

"Do you need help?" She asked, with a smirk on her face.

"No, thank you." I replied bitterly. "I need the money more." I mumbled and carried up the vacuum from one flight to the next.

"Momma!" He screamed again when I was about three feet away from him. I rushed up and grabbed his arm, tugging on it I rushed over to the opposite end of the hallway and sat him roughly on his bum.

"You move and I'll spank you!" I pointed an angry finger at him. Instead of crying like normal children do he stood up and ran back over to where he had been standing as if it was a game. "Life!" I yelled, throwing my head back and running over to him and gripping his arm in the same fashion while this time I dragged him down the hallway, kicking and screaming.

"Hey lady, do you think you can pipe your tike down? I'm trying to get some sleep in here."

"Sure thing, Jack, seeing as though it's nearly one o'clock in the afternoon!" I yelled, throwing my hair over my shoulder and glaring at the young child who sat, arms crossed along with his legs as his lower lip stuck out, tears overwhelming his cheeks. "Should I call Iris?" I tried to sound as if Iris would discipline him better then I could. He shook his head slowly and then before he could cry again he slowly stood up and waddled over to me, wrapping his arms around my legs he looked up at me and let out an apology in his two-year-old language.

"I sorry." He repeated, his breathing staggered through the sobs. I picked him up and cuddled him against my shoulder, kissing the back of his head I tried to calm him down. Soon after I felt the sobs stop yet the heavy breathing continue. I saw his hand droop down past my arm and hang loosely in the air. I figured he had fallen asleep so I carried him to my room and set him on the bed as he turned over on his stomach. I wiped at his nose and put a small blanket around him, kissed his forehead and walked out of the room. Those are the type of moments that I want to still be furious with my son who deliberately disobeyed me and did something he knew would push me over the edge, but I had no idea how I was supposed to do that when he threw himself at me the way he did. It wasn't that I had trouble disciplining him; it was that I had a hard time following through with it.

After the entire three floors were swept and the basement was mopped I decided to join Life for a nap, but rather a familiar face entered the doorway, his head slouched a bit. He walked in and smiled politely.

"Can we talk?" Yorke asked.

"Yes, I would love to talk." I replied and walked up a flight of four steps and sat at the top of them, opening a bottle of water I drank quickly. "Life is asleep so I need to stay close by." I explained. He nodded understandingly and sat next to me. "You never told me about your trip?" I asked.

"It was fine." He blew off.

"Right, did it relieve any stress?" I smiled, merely trying to make a joke.

"Quite not…it made me more stressful…thinking of what to change about myself and how to make my personality quirks different. It's tough, ya know, trying to change?" He looked over at me. "Anyway, I did what I could and spent the rest of my time with my father."

"You have nothing you need to change." I spoke softly.

"We all do, Celeste." He explained. "Except maybe Life. Your son is perfect just the way he is."

"Not today he wasn't." I responded.

"Did he trouble you?"

"Listen to yourself, Yorke…where did this vocabulary come from? It's as if you matured into a different man while you were away."

"It was only for five months, I couldn't have changed that much."

"But you have hardly talked to me for nine months, why have you avoided me? Is this awkward for you?"

"Celeste,"

"Tell me, Yorke. Because I considered a very high friendship in you and I feel like I lost everything I had once admired…I feel like I lost you. Do you know what that feels like to lose someone?" I began to feel tears well up in the back of my throat as I tried to stop them from approaching.

"What? Like when I lost you? Or do you not consider that losing someone?" His eyes flared with bitterness.

"You pulled away first." I looked down the steps.

"No, see, that's one thing I figured out. I was holding on too tightly and you didn't even care to pull away because you were never attached."

"Yorke!" I looked over at him, hurt flowing throughout me. He knew how to hurt me, he knew more about me than I thought he did.

"No, no, Celeste…see, I don't resent that. I understand. It was just a misunderstanding…but when I saw you again, I couldn't help but see the same person that I had fallen for before I left and I just needed some time to prepare myself to rekindle my friendship with you. I do care about you, Celeste, you are a dear friend and I wouldn't want to change that for anything."

"Then don't push me away." I pointed a protective finger at him.

"I won't." He pulled up a hand.

"You have to promise." I pushed the finger closer to his chest.

"I promise." He nodded at me and then put his hand on the floor behind me so that I could lightly lean against him, as I looked out the window vertical from where we were sitting on the top step.

"I like this place." Yorke nodded.

"I do too, it finally feels like home, something Life and I have needed."  
"I heard about what happened with your other place." I pulled away and stood up.

"Do you want some tea or something?" I smiled warmly.

"Yes please." He quickly realized that was not a situation I wished to get into.

Walking quietly into my apartment I found Life asleep in the empty bathtub, a blanket wrapped around him.

"Does he do this often?" Yorke followed me into the bedroom as I carried Life.

"Only when I'm not home when he's supposed to be sleeping." I grinned and set him on the bed.

I boiled some water and made tea for the two of us while Life rolled on the bed, undecided if he'll get up or stay asleep he tended to do that more often then not.

"Celeste, can I ask you something?"

"What is it?"

"Are you happy?" The question shocked me and threw me off.

"Of course I'm happy." I replied without really contemplating the question.

"Oh, I guess that was a pointless question then." It was quiet for a long time while he sipped on his tea.

"I'm happy late at night, when Life is asleep and I'm awake painting, reading or something…when I get late night visitors or ones that wake me up…I'm most happy when I'm at your house and watch the sun set…as far as everyday life goes, my father was probably right. It's a lot harder then I have ever expected…it's a lot…lonelier, Yorke. Like, you know when you're alone but really you're not. I feel like that a lot, like it's all up to me…that the future of my son and the future of my career is up to me, which of course it is, but I have that to think about as well as the well being of others. Sometimes I'm happy, Yorke…but not always, is anyone?"

A smile broke over his face as a small laugh came out. I then realized I just rambled for too long.

"I'm so sorry." I said, a light blush filling my cheeks.

"No, no, don't be sorry…I wasn't laughing at that, it was just the way that your first answer was so simple and yet you had this entirely different opinion, do you do that about a lot of things?"

"Yorke-"

"I'm just asking." He tried to defend himself.

"I know you are…I probably do." I stopped and took a sip from my tea just as Life walked into the kitchen, a hat attached to the top of his head as he rubbed at his eyes. "Would you like something to eat, my young man?" I stood up and walked the short distance to the sink.

He nodded and then climbed up into the chair that I had been sitting in.

"Hello," He waved quickly and then set his arms on the table in front of Yorke.

"Hello my dear little friend, and how are you?"

He nodded in response and then turned to me.

"Cookie." He mumbled.

"How about something a bit more healthy?" I handed him a carrot instead. Disgusted by my choice he walked back towards the bed, his feet nearly dragging behind him.

"You need to get him into a school sometime or another, Celeste." Yorke spoke after a few minutes had passed.

"Don't be silly." I sighed. "I don't have money to send him to school."

"Then I'll pay." He leaned towards the table. "Your son is like a nephew to me, that is how much I care about him…don't deprive him because of your pride."

"I think you should go." I mumbled and headed towards the door. Millions of thoughts flew through my head, how little Yorke knew and how desperately I wanted to tell him.

"Did I do something?" He asked, slowly approaching me.

"No, of course not." I leaned against the doorframe and gave him a half smile. "I'm just tired, that's all."

"You get some rest, okay?" He smoothed his hand down the side of my arm and then walked out of the room, waving to Life who sat, perched on the side of the bed while he munched on a carrot.

I heard the telephone ring about an hour later.

"Hello?" I said softly.

"It's good to hear a familiar voice." He was obviously high or drunk or one or the other as his stumbled words and thick accent shifted it's way through the sentence.

"How are you?" I asked simply.

"Better now that I can talk to you. Listen, I have something I need for you to do." He sniffed, coughing a bit.

"What is it?" I didn't move but felt Life walk over to me and stretch up his arms at me, flinging himself towards my thighs.

"I need you to look under your mattress." He mumbled.

"Rowan, I want you to be frank with me, what is under there?"

"Just look, Celee…okay?"

I walked over to the mattress as Life continued to follow me around, a steady whine clearing through his voice. I lifted it up to see a small booklet, flat with the compress of the mattress.

"What is this?" I sighed.

"It's for you, and for Life…but I felt like giving it you now…is that okay?" He coughed again, this time harder.

I opened the billfold to see a few hundred-dollar bills and random cut pictures scattered aimlessly throughout. There were a few of Life from when he was a baby until now, sitting on my bed or against Rowan. There were a few of me and Rowan, his arm wrapped tightly around my shoulder, one that I had never known he had kept…one that Jake had taken some late night before Life was born and before Rowan was gone.

"There was no need for you to do this. What were you thinking?" I began to get angry as Life settled with his thumb in his mouth.

"Celeste, will you please calm yourself, you're speaking so loudly."  
"I am not being loud, Rowan! You are too loaded to hear what I am saying! You're doing this not because you wanted to but because you are high and because you do stupid things when you are! Why do you do this to me? Why don't you just give it up? It hurts everyone Rowan, including you-"

"Will you please, lower your voice!" He yelled forcefully.

"Then please, never call me again." I slammed the phone forcefully against the receiver and collapsed on the bed next to Life who just moved himself nonchalantly into my lap. I kissed his forehead and pulled him closer. I think what truly bothered me the most was that he hadn't taken the book with him.

The phone rang again and I left it for about five rings until I reluctantly answered it.

"Are you going to yell at me?" He asked, a bit of sarcasms in his voice.

"No." I replied.

"I did it because I love you, okay? I did it because I'm sorry that I left you there all alone…I'm sorry that I'm not there to be with you but I'm thinking about you…life is getting pretty rough, Celeste…it's hard to keep my head above the water in this business…I'm just asking for you to keep me in mind, that's all."  
"Rowan, there has never been a day when you're not." I smiled, trying to forget about how lonesome I was for him.

"I have a confession to make." He sighed, his voice scratchy as if it was covered with a cold.

"What is it?" I figured it was that he had too much to drink that day or something.

"I have a girlfriend…to the media, her name is Molly and I've been with her since the beginning of the year."

The words were very blunt and painful as I felt my whole body deflate of common breath. I slid against the back of the seat and moved Life away from me and rested him against a pillow.

"You aren't saying anything." He spoke up.

"Well? What do you want me to say?" I felt my bottom lip trembling as I tried to speak.

"Just because of this, doesn't mean that the time I spent with you is any less meaningful. We've talked about this, Celee, I just didn't want you to find out from another source. Do you understand?"

"Sure, yes, of course I understand. It's just like what we said; they aren't a part of us. It's that simple."

"Right. I have to go, I miss you." He hung up in a mess, no doubt his mind spinning with different thoughts that would not have occurred if he hadn't kept sober. I felt myself walk into the kitchen and as if out of nowhere and obviously as if it should have happened earlier I began to get furious with myself and with how I let myself take it this far. I had fallen in love with someone who only wanted me for reality sakes. He could have his other social life but when he came back to his home I would be in my small apartment waiting for him so that we could play a game called life and have a little family of our own. The thought disgusted me; I wanted to forget I ever knew him. At that moment I had never regretted anything more then I did meeting Rowan. The thought, of course now seems bizarre because he was one of the best things that ever happened to me, but at that moment I was furious. I wanted him to feel the pain that I felt every time he left. I suppose I should have realized that he never would.

For the next few minutes I began to contemplate what my life could have evolved into if I had forgotten about Rowan and stayed with Yorke, looking to him as my comfort and my first love. Then it dawned on me, Yorke would have been what I had always wanted as a child, the ideal husband who will love and care for me, perhaps even marry me. Something that Rowan shared clearly wouldn't happen. But was marriage what I truly longed for? Or did I just long for faithfulness?

I picked Life up, a blanket wrapped around his small body, his bare feet sticking out of the bottom. I rushed out to my old car and drove as quickly as I could to the Hawke Estate. Pulling up I left Life's sleeping body in the car and rushed to the porch where Yorke sat with Cloe.

"Goodness, Celeste…are you okay?" Cloe stood up to see my hopeless expression. I quickly tried to wipe it off by smiling at her.

"I'm fine. Yorke, do you think I could talk to you for a minute?" I waved, still out of breath from my rush.

"Sure, that would be fine. Where's Life?"

"In the car." I mumbled.

Without a reply, Cloe walked over to the car to get him out.

"What is it?" Yorke put his arm on my back in a protective sort of way.

I continued walking until we were out of viewing distance from the house. I pulled him close to me, gripping on the front of his polo shirt I began to kiss him and try to prove to him that I was what he still needed.

"Please," I spoke between kisses. "Forgive me." I then gently maneuvered him to the ground, lying directly on top of him. I itched at the top of his jeans, trying to unbuckle them but forcefully, with his strong hands gripped on my shoulder he sat up, pulling me with him. I couldn't meet his eyes, but starred at his muscles that appeared throughout his arms. I felt my entire body go limp as I began to sob, tears overcoming my body. He pulled me close to him, letting me rest my cheek against the flat of his shoulder.

"Why did you do that?" He asked softly and slowly.

"Because, I thought maybe if I had you I could see things more clearly." I barely got out.

"No Celeste, it doesn't work like that." He whispered.

"Why did I let myself do this?" I asked, bringing my hand up to my cheek to wipe away excess tears.

"Do what?"

"Fall in love with a stranger? I didn't even think of the consequences." My breath was staggered and quick from the sobs.

"Were there ones?"

"I didn't think there would be but I find them more day by day…what was I thinking? That we'd grow old together, sitting on our front porches sipping on tea? He will find someone far better then I and the only thing I'll have left of him is his son."

The whole sentence came as quite a shock to Yorke, who set me in front of him his hands still implanted on my shoulder.

"What are you saying? That you have regrets?" He asked, moving so that he was now sitting next to me.

I shrugged, unsure of how to respond.

"Well, I'll tell you something. Rowan makes mistakes, he's only human, but through every mistake he's ever made he always makes sure not to regret it. He sees everything as a learning experience and if he feels that if he had regrets than life would be pointless. So I think that once a person realizes they make mistakes, they need to move on and not regret it. If it happens again, then so be it. We can only learn from our mistakes, not prevent them."  
I wasn't sure if what he said was true, but I knew that he realized that was what I needed to hear. I rested my head on his shoulder and let out a long sigh, every tear possible from my body was gone.

"Do you forgive me?" I asked.

"For what?" He barely looked over at me.

"For doing what I just did and everything else."

"Celeste, I did that a long time ago." He put his arm around my shoulder and allowed me to compose myself before we headed back towards the house.

.41.

When Rowan did finish filming his movie he returned to Gainesville with almost a new form. He was quieter then he had been before and I found myself feeling as if I hardly knew him, almost like when I first saw him at Jake's.

He arrived at the apartment one night after supper. He walked in and drew Life towards him, throwing the boy over his shoulder as he let out squeals of laughter.

"What would you think about going to the beach tomorrow?" Rowan held Life eye level, Rowan's eyes beginning to glow with excitement for Life's reaction.

Life yelled and clapped, agreeing with it completely.

"Please, please, please!" He nodded, looking over at me.

"Please, mama?" Rowan too begged, frowning at me in a plea.

"But of course, it is the summer and what's better then going to the beach in the summer?" I smiled.

"Ice cream!" Life disagreed with me, looking back at his father.

The next morning I packed a small cooler with ice and sandwiches to eat at the beach. Rowan arrived around ten and carried Life as he ran around in his orange, round inflatable objects that sat around his arm and under his armpit. He called them his "swimmies" and wouldn't go into the water above his knees without them. I even sometimes had to give them to him in the bathtub.  
"Mama, when we go we see sharks." He tried to explain as we drove the distance to the beach.

"No sharks in this beach, Life." Rowan spoke up.

To that Life let out a glorious scream, anxious to go swimming.

The beach was decently empty, finding a perfect spot we sat down and laid out a blanket and set down the cooler. The entire time I was wondering why Rowan had suggested a day trip to the beach or why he had chosen this day over the many others when he had been home to see Life. I didn't feel like asking questions, although I wasn't going to let the subject go untouched.

"How's Molly?" I asked while putting the "swimmies" on Life.

He looked up as if he had forgotten I'd known about her.

"Good…she's doing good. She's visiting, but she's staying with my family for the day." He kept looking from me to Life, as if one of us would say something in objection.

"Oh," I smiled, trying to sound interested.

"Yes, well, none of that talk, remember?" He winked at me and then moved his hands towards Life. "Come on, my man, let's go check out the water." He kissed the top of his head and allowed him to climb on his back as they rushed over to the cold water.

In a way, I wanted to go after them and do a family activity as we all see who could last the longest in the chilling ice cubes. Yet, my life had never involved family activities or picnics or lunch on Sundays. What more could I have seen in my future then what I had endured during my childhood? Perhaps Rowan and I did marry sometime in the future, our relationship could end up distant and unfaithful like my parents. I loved Rowan, but I knew at that point in my life I had to be able to break the thought of marrying him or someday building a larger family. I needed to let go of his tales of love and how we would be different then others and that even through his career and lifestyle when we were together we were different and our relationship was different. At this point the only thing I wanted was something normal and I was tired of the different lifestyle he had in mind. I wanted to find truth and faithfulness. I wanted to grow up and continue painting in larger cities.

Though, as these thoughts spun in my head like a dice on a gambling table I realized that I could leave Gainesville and leave every memory I've ever had with Rowan Hawke but nothing could fill his void, the void of a father and a friend. The thought terrified me, the thought of life without Rowan.

He returned to the shore, his body soaking with water as Life wrapped his arms around himself, his blue lips pierced together as if he was much colder then he actually was. Rowan collapsed on the sand in front of me and let out a long sigh.

"The water's perfect." He got out in a mumbled way, with one side of his face dug into the sand while the other side was facing me. "Lifen, how about you lay next to me…the sand is a lot warmer. Like a huge blanket." He advised.

Life shook his head, too cold to move. He stood like that for a long time until I finally saw him move towards his father in a cautious way as if not knowing if it would work. Gently and steadily he moved on the back of Rowan, curving his tiny body with his and snuggling towards it to get warm.

"Is that better?" Rowan asked. Life nodded and moved closer. I set a towel across his back and then ran a hand through his hair. "Life, why don't you ask your mama for some lunch?" Rowan propped himself up with his elbows and glanced over his shoulder. Life's head still resting against his back he mumbled something and then pointed towards the icebox.

"See what you're teaching him?" I looked at Rowan. "Can you say please, Life?"

"P-wease." Life said almost in a sarcastic way. For a minute, neither Rowan nor I laughed but suddenly we both broke into a fit of giggles, Rowan rolling on his back so that Life was now on his stomach as he put his hands against Life's sides and began to tickle him.

"Stop, p-weeeease stop." Life begged.

Now, later on, I wish more then ever I could have captured that moment with something else besides my memory.

The ride home was silent as Life fell asleep, his head tilted to one side, resting against his shoulder as his mouth hung open.

"Rowan?" I looked over at him as he drove, relaxed, with a cigarette perched between his lips.

"Yes?" He looked over at me and smiled.

"Why didn't you tell me about Molly?" I asked bluntly.

He coughed and situated himself more comfortably.

"I didn't mean to tell you that night, Celeste. I was messed up and terribly drunk…it was not my plan—"

"You have a planned time to tell me things like that?"

"Celeste,"

"Stop it. Don't tell me to listen or understand or get over it…because you were wrong, Rowan. We may live in different worlds when we're together but I'm still a person and still a friend…you don't do that kind of thing. If you were in a relationship with someone you should have never taken me to the beach that day!" I pointed a defensive finger at him

"So, doing what you did to my brother is not the same thing?"

"Oh, come on Rowan! Has there ever been a time when you don't have two women?" I throw my arms out around me.

"Don't turn this into a game, I have no desire to go through with it." He glared at me, insulted.

"Rowan, that's not how things are." I tried to sound cautious. "Do you truly believe that is a thing for people to do to someone they love? I do love you."

"You don't love me, Celeste. You are infatuated with the idea of love. You know little of what it's like to be loved or to love someone."

"By far, I guess I leave that to you, no?"

"You leave the difficult decisions to me, yes…such as this one. I can't be with you anymore. I can't be with you tomorrow or the next day…it's over. Please do not return to my brother for support or love or whatever it is you stole from him." The car was completely silent as I sat back, hardly breathing. I realized then that what it truly came down to was that I didn't love him enough. All this time I had forced myself to believe that Rowan needed his space and that that was the right thing to do when in all actuality it was that I didn't love him enough and that is one of my biggest regrets.

"Stop." I forced myself to say, struggling not to cry. "Do not put this on me. We have a child together and that's something that I can't let go of. You could leave and go back to your Hollywood lifestyle and I would unable to see you tomorrow but every single time I look at your son I would see you. It can be over, yes, but our love for our child cannot. It should never end. Please, don't deprive my son on account of me." I heard the words flowing from my mouth but I had no idea where they were coming from. He didn't look at me nor turn from his position facing the road.

"No matter what I do he won't know me," He turned around to look at me as his lips began to curl under around his cheeks. I watched him struggle to hold in his emotion as he tried to avoid my eyes. "I'm not a father, Celeste and I reckon I should have told you that from the beginning but the idea was so amazing. This idea that I could actually create a family with someone like you seemed almost… captivating. I was lost in it. But reality holds true and I'm no father. I go to Los Angeles for endless weekends forgetting about you and my son and wrapping myself up in my projects that gratify my lifestyle, but I've been so unfaithful. Do you not see it?" We didn't say another word until we pulled into the parking lot of my apartment building. He turned off the car and looked over at me.

"When I was younger over in Costa Rica I used to read about the image of God and how we are to mirror ourselves to it. When I think of the image that I've created it disgusts me. However amazing it is I get lost in it." It was quiet for a long time as I debated on whether or not to move closer. "But God has His plans worked out before our life is even over and He knew what I would get myself into." He turned to me and with his face molded into a sob he coughed before he spoke. "But how do I get myself out?" I pulled him close and wrapped my arms around his shoulders to try and support his weight as he cried, his hands resting on my shoulders. I tried to think of something encouraging that I could possibly say in a situation like that. Telling him I loved him would be meaningless.

"Change." I mumbled, stroking his back as we sat against the car door. He stopped momentarily and looked at me, his lips piercing and curling out.

"Change?" He whispered. "What do you mean?"

"If you know what God expects from you then do so. I've never known much about God…I've hardly had a desire to. But your mother owns so much passion and vibrancy for it, it's hard not to want it. You can change, Rowan."

He pulled away and shook his head.

"I can't." He looked at me, one hand on his hip.

"That's not true."

"Do I want to?" He spoke very quietly.

"That is your decision." I pulled away and glanced at the back seat. "You won't see me anymore, but our son will need you. Make your choice, Rowan. I know you can make the right one." I got out the car and opened the back door to pull Life out. As I was retrieving him from his seat Rowan put his hand gently on mine and smiled at me, though his face was still unsteady and upset.

"It was never you, Celeste. Never forget that. You're perfect…okay?" He said. I tried to contain my own tears as I smiled.

"You were the only thing right in my life, Rowan." I kissed his hand and then got out, beginning to sob as I climbed the few steps, Life's exhausted body pressed against mine, his head dangling over my right arm. I unlocked the door and set him on the bed, resting next to him I let myself fall asleep, trying to let go of the days and their events.

The next morning Life and I went to get groceries and returned around noon. There was a message from Beth saying that Iris had asked me to come out and visit. Returning to the car, I was almost sure it was urgent.

"Is everything okay?" I asked, she greeted me as I got out of the car.

"Fine…why wouldn't it be?" She laughed, then leaned down to pick up Life and gave him a kiss. "How's my favorite little boy?"

"Good." He swung his legs, begging to be let down as I reluctantly agreed.

"You feeling okay?" Iris asked, putting her arm around me and leading me into the house.

"You scared me, that's all. I wasn't sure why you wanted me to come over." I walked up the front steps.

"Well, simple, I missed my best friend and I wanted you for supper." She winked and led me into the house. I looked back to see if Life was coming as Rowan approached, in hand with Molly. She was pretty, blond hair sitting above her shoulders and this small figure. I decided to let him take care of Life and avoid myself the awkward introducing.

Before supper we walked around the lake, looking at the horses and picking berries. I enjoyed my visits more on the estate then anywhere else in Gainesville; I suppose it had been my only true idea of Gainesville, the kind of atmosphere you explain to a person when they ask where you're from.

Life followed behind me, demanding that he walk. I continued to talk to Yorke until Molly approached.

"Yorke, your mother said something about it being time for dinner…" She smiled brightly.

"Yes, of course, thank you." Yorke replied.

"Hey Life, do you remember my name?" Molly bent down to his eye level. He hid behind my leg for a bit but then appeared, sticking his small stomach out.

"Mo-wly." He grinned.

"That's right!" She tickled his stomach and then stood back up. "Isn't he the cutest child ever?" She looked at me.

"Almost." I replied.

"Oh…are you his mother?" She seemed surprised.

"Yes, I am his mother." I answered, caught a bit off guard. I looked over at Yorke for some idea on how to continue.

"Are you two together?" She asked. I thought for only a second and then quickly linked my hand in his.

"We are, actually. Though this is my son from a past, terrible boyfriend." I laughed more then I normally do until Yorke nodded and released my hand to put his arm around my waist.

"We're very close." He leaned in and tried to explain.

"Yes, right…" She raised her eyebrows in response. "I know how that is. I'm Molly Sanders, Rowan's girlfriend." She put out her hand.

"Oh, his girlfriend!" I laughed again. "I'm Celeste Doisneau, Yorke's girlfriend." I replied.

"Well, that's so great. We'll have to all four do something sometime."

"Sure." Yorke responded and guided me towards the house, Molly scooping Life up and carrying him.

I hardly talked to Rowan that night, and when I did it was something about Life or who was going to feed him or keep an eye on him. He kept his arm constantly around Molly, and the other either holding Life or showing him something new. It wasn't that I wanted to be the one that he had an arm around; we had never been like that before. I suppose, more then anything I wished that I could have at least done that once.

Yorke would occasionally take my hand or put his arm around my chair, trying to play along without questions. When dinner was finally over and Life was beginning to fall asleep Iris and I stayed on the porch and talked for hours.

"I love the music thing, Celeste. I love playing and singing and being with the guys…I think we truly have a chance to go somewhere." We had our feet up on the railing as we sat back on the chairs.

"You're very passionate about it, Iris…I see it when I watch you play."

"I adore it…but you know what that's like, with your painting and all."  
"I can't even remember the last time I painted something." I sighed.

"You should try sometime, I'd love to see it."

I contemplated the idea and decided it was a possibility.

"But listen, the reason why I brought you out here is because I'm going out of town…it's kind of a visit thing, Rowan invited us to go to New York with him…the band's flying in but for the most part it's just us…we're going to be gone for a while and I wanted to see you before I left."

"Are you all going?" I tried not to sound shocked or hurt.

"Yorke, Rowan and me…mother and the girls are staying here…" She sighed. "I know this isn't good, Celeste. Whether or not you want to say it, I can tell it by the tone of your voice…I'll call, though, okay? I promise." She leaned towards me, her hand on my arm.

"No, it's not that." I mumbled, trying to shrug it off with a laugh. "How long?"

"Three weeks? It will fly by, I swear. I'm sure I can even come home and visit." It was silent as she sat back. Neither of us said anything for a while. "Something's different between you and Rowan." She spoke up.

"What do you mean?" I coughed.

"You hardly talked to him the entire night."

"He had a guest."  
"Bull shit." She sat up, a bit angry with me for not telling the truth.

"Iris-"  
"Don't lie to me, Celeste. You know how much I hate that."

"There is nothing for me to tell, we're just having a bit of a disagreement. Will you please, get over it and run off and have your fun?" I stood up and walked into the house to get Life.

"Celeste!" I heard her yell from the porch.

"Wow, slow down. I need to talk to you." Rowan caught my arm and pulled me into the bedroom. "Listen, it's important." I struggled to break free from his grip and leave the house. I had no desire to be there anymore, it all seemed to be falling apart so quickly and I figured why stay when I had already overstayed my welcome?

"You're leaving, I know." I said sternly, my breathing becoming heavy as I tried to think of something as painful as he'd been treating me the entire night.

"It's just for a couple of weeks, it's with the band and we're going to record even…if everything falls through and-"

"What are you trying to do? Assure me that you're not lying to me? That it's okay with me if you go? I don't care anymore, Rowan." A tear slipped down my cheek as I bitterly brushed it away.

"Celeste," He sighed. "I'm sorry. I didn't know Iris was going to invite you tonight." He said the words so apologetically I almost believed him.

"I know…and I think that's what hurts the most. That you didn't think about what would happen if I came and brought our son with me…that you don't think these things out." I began to pace the room. "I don't want you to leave with my feelings towards you the way they are. I'm so tired of being upset about this." I stopped and rested my back against the wall. "I'm so tired of thinking that one day you'll turn to me and tell me that you want to get married and that you love me and that nothing else matters. I'm so worn out, Rowan. I just want to forget about…" I began to cry, dropping my face into my hands. He walked over to me, slowly, and rested his hands on my shoulder, gently rubbing them. He nudged me towards him and gathered me in his embrace.

"You know Celeste…all this time I've thought how lucky I was to have found you when I did…but now it almost seems like I wish I had found you in two or three years when I was mature enough to handle you…when I was strong enough. I've done nothing but pull you down…and I'm so sorry for that, Celee…I'm sorry that I was selfish and forced you to waste all of your time with me when you could have been finding that perfect person that will speak all of those things to you." He put his fingers under my chin and brought it up so that my eyes faced his. "I'm not perfect and maybe I should have waited a couple of more years, but I would have never gotten to experience the most amazing thing in my life. And for that, I will never wish that it had happened any other way. I'm sorry." He kissed my forehead.

"And for that." I smiled. "I will always love you…" I pecked his chin and pulled away, opening the door and then softly closing it.

"You're leaving?" I spoke up as Yorke stood in the kitchen, drinking a glass of something.

"Yes…Rowan invited Iris and I." He smiled and approached me. "You take care of yourself, okay?" He reached for me and pulled me close. "You are…a very admirable person, Celeste." He smiled and then walked out of the room.

Standing there I felt complete, as if my life were to end that very day I would be content and never feel as though things were undone.

Putting Life in the car, Iris shut the door for me.

"I'm sorry about up there." I grinned, giving her a hug.

"Hey, it's forgotten. I love you, kid…I'll talk to you as soon as I get back." She winked and then opened the door for me.

"Say thank you to your mother for me, okay?"

"I sure will." She replied.

"Oh, and have fun." I advised.

"Like you even have to tell me." She threw her head back in laughter, the kind that only Iris can escape.

.42.

At this point in my life, the summer was nearly ending and my life was still continuing. I was aging, not physically but mentally and emotionally. I felt myself caring little about the things I had cared about when I first arrived. I didn't hear much from Iris, but yet received a letter from Yorke. Some like to think that at this time things were hard, it was the early nineties and everyone was kind of out of it. With bands like Nirvana and Red Hot Chili Peppers being popular it seemed dark, everywhere but Gainesville that is. With the cool breeze slicing through my blond hair and the sunset that reflected off the beautiful ocean. There it was beautiful and it was there that Life and I spent our days. I would paint occasionally but most often we would swim in the ocean or build sandcastles in the sand, and it seemed like more then ever with Rowan gone I could be the tiny family with Life and it never felt strange. I never realized whether that was a good or bad thing.

The night that it happened I had been sleeping. Life had gotten a cold and so I put him to bed early, seeing nothing left for me today I fell asleep around the same time.

The phone rang a little after six in the morning. I picked it up and tried not to wake Life.

"Hello?" I asked.

"Celeste?" The voice was unsteady and I could hardly make out who it was.

"Iris?" I was surprised that she was awake that early.

"I need to talk to you." I could hear her voice beginning to break at different words, I could almost see the tears that would fall against her cheek and she would brush them away.

"What happened?" I asked calmly and sternly.

"It wasn't on purpose like they'll say it is, I swear to you. My brother did not kill himself, Celeste. You have to tell them that." She was sobbing as her voice just went into words of incoherency.

I felt every breath begin drawn from within me as I slid against the wall and onto the floor.

"Are you there?"

"What? I'm here, Iris I am so terribly sorry. I'm so sorry that this happened." I had no idea where the words were coming from because inside I felt like I couldn't speak.

"Yorke was with him when it all happened and he's upset…I don't know what to say…what if we had done something? What if we had stopped it…?"

"Listen to me, Iris…this is not your fault, okay? Do not think this is your fault." I tried to sound stern, but in reality I couldn't feel my hands or my legs.

"What they said isn't true, Celee…they're calling it a suicide. Mother won't let them release that…I know she won't…this is so horrible…I have to call my mother, now…and tell her that her son is dead." It was quiet for a few minutes as we both sobbed, the only sound was the eager breathes that we were forced to take. "I'll call when I find out something else. I'm sorry, will you be okay?"

"I'll be fine…" I forced myself to say. "Don't worry about me…make sure Yorke's okay."

She mumbled something and then hung up the phone.

Sitting back I rested the back of my head against the wall and closed my eyes, eager to forget about the phone call and what had just happened. I sat there for a few minutes, no sign of grief or sadness. I sat on the floor and thought of what things would be like now that Rowan was gone. The words were indescribable and I knew I wouldn't be able to actually say them for a long time. I stood up and walked towards the bed to see Life, his arms flailed to the left side of his body as he let out heavy breaths. I touched his hair and ran my fingers through it, feeling the softness of his hair and realizing the little knowledge that he held of what had just happened to his father.

I suddenly felt something form in the pit of my stomach as I leaned over, beginning to cough. I rushed towards the bathroom and collapsed on my knees. I felt myself sobbing; my entire body in pain but there was no sound. In fact, I wasn't sure if there were any tears. Inside I was tearing my emotions apart but I couldn't force a single thing to come from my mouth. I lay on the ground, curling in a ball on the bathroom floor. After a while I just laid there taking long deep breaths. I saw each emotion that Rowan and I had shared. I silently went over each movement, each word, and each expression. I could almost paint Rowan in my imagination, each detailed part of him.

I didn't cry anymore, but just sat, numb to the world and to each emotion. Rowan wasn't going to be back, someone had to be strong and if it was going to be me then I needed to start then at 8:30 in the morning.

Life took a nap around three and I sat at the kitchen table, spooning the liquid around in my cup. I found a stack of papers that I had been meaning to go through and throw away. I found an unopened envelope near the top and as I tore it open I didn't realize what exactly I had forgotten.

It was a note from Jake, the one he had written me before he had died.

"Heavenly, words can not express how much I care for you and your sweet child. I wish I could somehow explain to you everything I hold dear about you and everything I already know. I can imagine your anger towards the things I had kept from you, but I never did it to hurt you. You are what kept me going the past few months, and for that I owe you everything. Whatever you decide to do with the will, choose wisely and remember to do things that will bring happiness and calmness. I never regretted not telling you, even though you might think differently. I only wish I had told you before how splendid I truly found you. Take care and never feel as though times are too hard and too scary. It's just the roller coaster of life, Celeste. We all go threw it and we all pass it. Soon it will all be down hill and you will have that dream you had imagined, make sure Rowan doesn't go too far to where he can not feel your love. May God bless your life in abundant ways, Jake."

I dropped the small piece of paper onto my lap and smiled. Jake had known all along. We thought we were keeping things a secret but it wasn't possible.

Iris didn't call for a week or two and when she finally did, her voice had changed completely. She had called to tell me when the funeral was.

"I can't go to the funeral." I mumbled.

"I understand." She replied. "Will you come to the gathering afterwards?"

"Is it at your house? I don't want Life to be put into an environment that is different for him…that would scare him or…"  
"Yes, it's here. Can you come?"

"Sure, I will be there."  
Forcing myself to go was one of the hardest things. It took me nearly an hour to get into the car after all of the debating I had done as to whether or not I should leave.

When I arrived the house wasn't quiet and there were many people there talking and walking around. I carried Life closely on my hip and when I walked in, Iris' face slowly lightened as she rushed over, set Life down on the ground and gave me a hug.

"I am so glad to see you." She whispered.

"Iris,"

"Yeah?" She replied quickly.

"I never thought this would happen."

Almost immediately her lower lip began to shudder with pain.

"I know, and it's almost strange really…I thought you were the right person to be there. Not Molly."  
"Molly was there?" The air was taken out from within me.

"Of course, Molly was with Rowan all of the time we were there. I hated that." She smiled, as if hating something Rowan did was better then not having Rowan at all. I could understand the feeling and relate completely. "It's just really hard right now." She whispered, a tear slipping against her cheek. "For mother and the others."

"And you…your band." I rested my hand on her arm.

"Our band is over. I told them and they were so upset, Cel…I could hardly handle it. I wanted to die." She began to sob. "Why wasn't it me? Why would he die? He had this kind heart that reached everyone, even if they didn't want it." I gathered her in a hug and didn't begin to cry until the sentence was over.

"It was just his time." I sighed, trying to assure myself as well.

"No one has a time. Mother says the Lord giveth and he taketh away…if this is something that God did on purpose…that's terrible. He can't do this to a family." I held her for the next few minutes, trying to calm her tears as she shook with emotion.

After a while we finally decided to head inside, my arm wrapped around her shoulder my hand pressed gently on the side. I passed Oella who sat, a bit off to the side her clothes drawn as all black, even down to a tiny English hat. Life sat on her lap, folding his arms in every possible pose he tried to keep himself calm, I could tell. I walked past all of them and towards the back porch where at that time of night the view was perfect. Molly walked down the hallway as I passed, her eyes blotched red.

"Celeste, it's good to see you again." I stopped and smiled politely. "Though it's a terrible reason. How is Yorke doing?"

I wanted to kill her for not asking how I was doing; the frustration and anger began at my fist and slowly emerged to my mouth. I forced myself not to say anything but just nod as my response.

"As good as he can be."

"Yeah…as for all of us. Excuse me." She nudged past me as she began to cry again. Rage formed in my cheeks as I wanted to throw her against the wall and ask her if she even really knew him and in that sense if she truly even cared about him.

I walked out onto the porch to see Yorke, smoking a cigarette as he sat on the first step, his legs set out in front of him with his arms resting on top of them. He turned as he heard the door open and his face nearly sent off more grief then was already clearly displayed.

"Yorke?" My breath was short as I spoke.

"Come sit down," He motioned next to him.

It was quiet for a long time as he laced his fingers around his cigarette, letting it burn before he brought it to his lips.

"You know, after all of this I still wonder how I am going to tell my son."

"You have to." He murmured.

"I can't…it would scare him and he wouldn't understand." I tried to see that as a perfectly reasonable excuse.

"Celeste, that's not right."

There was yet another long stretch of silence.

"They were so close to saving him. If they had been five, ten minutes before…he would be here."

"But who's to say?" I leaned in towards him a bit.

"I am…I would make sure my brother was here…we could have left or not gone at all." He shrugged at first, as if it were just a suggestion. Minutes past as his entire body began to shudder with sobs as he leaned forward, caving in with emotion. I tried to put my arm around him but it didn't seem like the right thing to do. I realized after what he had said that I didn't know how Rowan had died but I wasn't sure if I honestly needed to. He was gone and that was just something I needed to realize.

I heard the door open again as Iris walked onto the porch.

"They're going to have a remembrance…if you two want to come in."

I stood and put my hand on Yorke's shoulder as he quickly put his over mine and then gained composure, walking in next to me with my hand still locked in his.

Random comments and past memories of Rowan were past around the room, one after the other as Oella sat, not a tear shed from her eye and thanked each person. None of the children spoke, but kept in the back. I caught Chloe's eye as she tried to smile, her face displaying a bit of age that I hadn't seen before. I felt Life at my feet, putting his back against my knees as if to feel the protectiveness of me. I put my hands against his shoulders and then picked up, placing him on my hip.

"I would just like to thank you all for appearing." Oella stood, Yorke standing protectively next to her, as the other kids were close by. "What happened was a terrible experience for everyone…but I realize now that we all have one thing in common and that was our love for Rowan. I only wish I could understand the relationship he had with each one of you…he cared about all of you, I know that…I just…wish he was here to tell you all." She began to cry, but continued to speak, allowing the tears to fall freely down her cheeks. "I am not ashamed of him, nor am I angry with him…God knows our future before it occurs and he knew I would only have Rowan for the time I did…I thank Him for how long I was able to." She sat down in tears as Yorke wrapped his arm around her and whispered something gently in her ear.

I left the moistness against my cheeks as Life began to wipe them with his small hands. I looked over at him and smiled, kissing his nose. He squealed and laid his head on my shoulder.

"Rowan was unforgettable…he was different then anyone else…he was taken granted for and did so to others…he was not perfect, but he was kind and loving…" I stopped and began to walk away for fear that my obvious tears would give Rowan and I's long and hard lie away. "Never regret time you share with people, just regret the time you share apart." I mumbled and then walked out the back door, Life's confusion of my tears and the continuous reminder of Rowan's name, made him frightened and unsure.

"Hey kid," Iris said before I had reached my car. I could see from the light that reflected itself off of the rooms and hit her face that it was covered in tears. "Don't go too far away…I miss you when you're gone." She smiled.

"I miss you too, Iris. I won't be too far." I got into the car and sat for nearly an hour, Life falling asleep on the seat next to me.

It was official, whether or not the family had said it; the news released on the papers and on television was that he had committed suicide. Perhaps that was what he was trying to do with the car accident as well, perhaps that was a hidden part of Rowan that none of us had realized. I shuddered at the thought for I could never imagine that being what he wanted.

It seemed as though after that my life began to move rapidly and I had hardly enough time to look back at that night. The entire family kind of drifted into their own world and before I realized it my two-year-old son had grown into a five-year-old and I realized that I would need to get him into some sort of schooling. I retrieved Jake's fund that he had left me and bought a house in the eastern part of Maine so that I could still have a view of the ocean. I hadn't contacted my family, however, since I had moved there. Life had begun school and I felt as though I could finally breath. With the help of Jake I built a beautiful house by the ocean, the exact spot that he would have adored. Much like his tales of Jamaica. I missed him whenever I opened the window and smelled the salty air and felt the cool breeze, begging for me to come swim. I missed Rowan when I swam, sometimes fully clothed. But when I sat on my porch and watched as Life painted a wooden fence, every so often coming to me for a cold cup of Lemonade, I felt as though this was my first real memory that I would be able to tell to him someday, one that wouldn't be too hard to explain.

Oella would send me letters monthly filling me in on what every one was doing but it wasn't until I got a personal letter from Yorke that I made an attempt to see them again. Iris wrote me occasionally and even though the formal letters were slim she still continued to update me on her marriage, then her divorce. I could tell that she was trying but it was probably just as hard for me to receive the letters as it was for her to send them. None of the other siblings said anything until Yorke wrote me a three-page letter on why I needed to see them again. A week later a flight was arranged and the entire family was planning on coming up. It had been eight years since Rowan's death, twelve years since my son's birth and there was never a day in which I felt comfortable with it all.

"Is that them?" Life was standing in front of me, with David on the right. Life had known them, bits and pieces of them at least but he never realized how close they actually were to who he was and where he came from.

"They'll be here any second." David put a hand on his shoulder as he quickly pulled away.

"A little early to be playing family now, right David?" Life pulled the typical child of the girlfriend attitude, clearing being a friend to David's daughter, but not stepping an inch closer to David. I didn't expect any more from him. I had no idea how he was supposed to handle it.

I saw her first as she walked through the door her haircut, reaching the end of her shoulders as she slung a bag across her chest. I let out a sigh of relief as I caught her eyes, her shoulders slouching slightly she made her way towards me. I felt Life strangely move a bit closer as Iris wrapped her arms around me, resting her chin on my shoulder.

"I missed you, kiddo." She whispered. I pulled away and ran a hand underneath my eye, trying to control my lips as they shook.

"I missed you too." I replied sternly, trying to control myself.

Life displayed the angry face, his brow furrowed in an attempt to make it look as though he shouldn't be approached. Iris gathered him in her arms anyway and kissed his head roughly.

"You don't remember me, Life? I used to change your diaper and scrub your little bottom." She pulled back and then looked down at him. "You sure do remind me of someone." I heard her mumble quietly. Unsure but realizing that there was something familiar about it, he smiled in acknowledgment.

"It's okay." I tried to explain quickly. "I promise." I motioned towards the group as I felt arms gather around me in a hug. I stood up awkwardly and then pulled the hugger away gently.

"Chloe?" I smiled, tears escaping from my eyes as I quickly pushed them away, hugging her again.

"How are you?" She nudged me with her elbow.

"Not too shabby." I grinned and then saw Oella walk slowly up to me and before she did she stopped in front of my son and ran a hand through his messy hair.

"Hello, kid. You'll never know how blessed I feel to have gotten to see you again. You are…" She gently took her finger and drew a fallen strand of hair away from his forehead. "…Well, never mind that…" She spoke tenderly and then gave him another hug. A small smile began to grow on his lips.

"It's nice to see you too." He replied, raising his voice a bit.

Her eyes were then drawn to me as she gave me that grin like she had the first day I met her, embracing me into her arms.

"You've done well." She said while she hugged me. I opened my eyes briefly to see Yorke standing near Cloe as they shared small talk with David. I pulled away from Oella and put a hand on Life's shoulder to guide him with me.

"Let's get your things." I mumbled.

Not much was said besides catching up phrases as we made our way to the car. We piled the luggage into the back end and somehow managed to fit into my small car. I drove swiftly, occasionally running a hand through my hair trying to remember how things were before I had met them.

Oella and I had much to converse about when she finally got settled. David had gotten Life and I involved in a church nearby and I had found new things about God and the Bible that I had never been taught as a child. I would have forbid that I go if it weren't for Oella and her encouraging words.

I didn't get a chance to discuss with Yorke about anything until a few nights later when we stayed up and drank tea. I sipped on it quietly, waiting for some sort of response or conversation to begin. I realized that it was rather hard to see each other and bringing Rowan into the conversation would not be easy.

"You have a wonderful house." The voice spoke softly.

"Thank you. With the money that Jake left we had enough to land a sturdy foundation out here…away from city life and all of that."

"I bet it's nice." Yorke sighed.

It was silent for a long time as I ran my fingers around the brim of my cup.

"I really missed you, Celeste. I figured you left because Rowan did and that was hard for a while. It's not that I didn't want to write you, but…things were just complicated."

I didn't respond, I had no idea how to.

"I had to get away, Yorke." I tried to explain.

"Why?" He asked.

"The same reason you did." I took a sip from the glass.

"And what is that? To run away? Because that's all I did, I ran away from what I knew and just got even more lost. Staying true to who you are and what is familiar is what's right, Celeste-"

"I'm not sure if that's who I was, Yorke. I…I needed to raise my family somewhere. I had Life and I couldn't stop being a mother…besides, it was undone…there was no closure and I felt like I was constantly waiting for him to come home." I felt as though it was a struggle just to breath, gritting my teeth I forced myself not to cry. "I had to let go."

"Celeste, there are things about what happened that I never told you."

"What are you talking about?"

"It was too hard to even look at you and not remember Rowan…I think about him so much and its like now more then ever I wish he was here so that I wouldn't have to have this type of conversation with you and tell you what he loved the most about you." Tears grew in his eyes but he swallowed them, looking deep into the hot peach tea.

"Yorke," I moved from my seat to the one next to him and put my hand over his.

"I need to explain a few things." He looked up at me, his eyes glossy and moist.

I sat back, unsure of how this conversation would continue and if I truly wanted it to.

"Very well." I mumbled.

"Okay, I'll start from the beginning…we were out at a party and…" His voice trailed off into a long sentence and it was as if each position and setting that he explained I could see clearly.

"Rowan, do you want something to drink?" Iris asked, her face a bit damp with sweat. She smiled at someone across the room and rushed over to talk to them.

"I'm gonna go with her, okay Rowan?" Molly pecked his cheek.

"Do you want to sit down?" Rowan motioned towards a seat across the room as Yorke shrugged. His mentality was much wiser and mature then before he left for England. He cared about his brother but it was as if it wasn't an older brother admiration any longer. "I like it here, it's mellow but yet a party atmosphere…very relaxing. I'll be back, okay? I have to take a piss." Rowan stood up and coughed into his right hand, waving to a couple of people he recognized. Yorke sat, looking around as he slowly nursed a beer in his hand. He suspected everyone in the room and was cautious to even lend a smile, which at that time was pretty unlikely.

"There ya go, mate. Where did Rowan go?" Iris sat down next to Yorke and nudged him with the tip of her elbow. Molly sat down on the other side of Yorke, looking around for Rowan.

"To the bathroom…do you know a lot of these people?"

"Sure, a lot of them are friends of the band…Yorke why don't you go and introduce yourself to some girls…they keep talking about you." She grinned, raising her eyebrows a bit.

"Oh stop, you've got to be kidding me." He rolled his eyes, a soft shade of red appearing on his cheeks.

"Suit yourself, I'll be around…" She stood, as did Molly, and left him sitting there until Rowan returned, a bit shaky but yet fully coherent.

"You know," He cleared his nose and then got into a relaxing position. "I've been thinking a lot about my behavior…it's terrible, ya know? It's really not acceptable. Do you agree?"

"I wouldn't know." Yorke lit a cigarette and rested it between his lips.

"You don't seem to care." Rowan looked down against the dirty floor, piles of feet rushing past him or standing in front of him. The room was cloudy and smoke filled the top atmosphere.

"Are you okay?" Yorke looked over at him briefly.

"I'm fine…never been better." Rowan nodded and then stood up again, excusing himself.

Yorke continued to make eye contact with random people, being sure to lose gaze without a smile or a nod. Rowan returned minutes later, looking more trashed then he had before. Yorke debated on whether or not to say something but he figured he was old enough to take care of himself.

"Do you remember when we were little and mother used to read us those stories? Do you?"

"You mean the Bible stories?" Yorke inhaled a bit from his cigarette.

"Yes, those…do you remember how after each one, mother would blow out the candle or whatever we were using to produce light over there and assure us that God will protect us through the night…remember?"

"Rowan-"

"Do you?" His words were beginning to slur together with stutters and every so often a mispronounced word.

"Yes, fine, I remember." Yorke finally gave in and stuck the smoke into a small can next to where he was sitting.

"She was right, you know, and no matter how terribly…awful it was that mother and father put us through, God was there for us and He provided when we thought it wasn't possible."

"How much did you take?" Yorke's eyes were drawn to his bloodshot ones.

"What? Hardly any, don't worry about it." He looked away a bit embarrassed

"So what made you think about all of this? I didn't know you thought about God."

"Well…see, that's the thing…do you think I'd be punished for not telling Life about that? For not assuring him that God would protect him because I've been anything but loyal to God…I want to change, I want to…set a good example for Life, but it almost seems too late. It's too late for him to have a childhood like I did…because he had me for a father who had no idea what he was doing."

"Rowan, mother and father didn't know what they were doing either." Yorke replied, not wanting to react to what Rowan had just said in any way that would throw him off from his thought process. At that moment, Yorke honestly wasn't sure if he believed him.

"But they did, because God guided them."

"You've been listening to mother too much." Yorke began to stand up, wanting to end the deep conversation with a person who had obviously shot up while he had gone to the bathroom.

"Yorke, that's not true!" Rowan reached for the bottom sleeve of his brother's shirt but instead his hand just lightly slipped against it and fell back to his side.

"Come on, let's get some air…you're making a scene." Yorke reached for his arm but Rowan quickly pulled away.

"Don't make me feel stupid! I hate it when you do that." Rowan yelled forcefully as Yorke gripped his arm tightly around his brother, standing him up.

"Let's find Iris."

"No, she's having a good time…something you should try." Rowan mumbled, trying to release himself from the tight hold.

"Just come on then." Yorke guided him across the room, as Rowan nudged roughly up against someone, whether or not it was on full intent, Yorke wasn't sure.

"Why'd you do that?" The man turned around, his face angry and drunk.

"Are you talking to me?" Rowan finally broke free of Yorke's grasp and continued to push away his hands as Yorke tried to continue towards the door.

"Oh, what is this some sort of game? Of course I'm talking to you! Are you asking to start something?"

"Do you know who I am?"

"Will you just answer me!" The man yelled as the room slowly grew dim with silence.

"No, really, do you have any idea who I am?" Rowan yelled, nearly in a mock sort of way.

"Why don't you tell me?" The man hissed, pulling out a knife and slicing it against Rowan's arm and nailing his fist against his face. Shocked and extremely angry he pulled away quickly then began to yell random comments as Yorke gripped his other arm, Iris rushing over to his side.

"What's your problem?" Iris followed the two as they climbed a short flight of stairs and ended up on the open roof of the building. A few chairs and a table sat at the corner while the only light decorating it was the moon.

"He's loaded." Yorke replied dully. "Why do you do that?" He set Rowan on the ground and began to rip off his own shirt to control the bleeding. "Iris! Will you get some help please?"

"Don't yell at me like I don't know what's going on!"

"Fabulous, you're high too? Get some help, all right? Quickly."

"It's a buzz Yorke, ever heard of it? Shit, he'll be okay, right? He'll be fine." She began to franticly look over her shoulder at the two that sat on the ground as she rushed down the steps and back into the party to call an ambulance.

"You'll be fine, okay? Everything will be fine." Yorke tried to coax, maneuvering Rowan so that his back was resting against his brother's knee, Yorke kneeling so that he could help support his brother. Rowan found himself feeling dizzy and lightheaded as breathing nearly became hard.

"No, I won't." His breath began to get short as he grasped for air, holding tightly to the wound on his arm. "Bastard, he actually hit me." Rowan licked his lip and rolled his eyes back.

"Rowan, are you okay? Talk to me. What did you take?"

"Listen, I need you to listen, okay? Sometime, far from now you're going to look back on this moment and regret it." Each gulp of air became more staggered then the last. "But don't…because the minute you regret things in life it means you already let go of them. I don't regret anything about Celeste or you or what you two did…nor do I regret having a son...never getting married..." He drew in his breath as he spoke each word, yet his sentences remained coherent.

"You aren't going to die." Yorke's bottom lip began to shake as he had trouble forming the words.

"But if I do, then so be it." Rowan's grip on his brother's arm grew stronger. "They can't come on time, it's not possible."

"Stop it, please stop it!" Yorke began to cry much like he had done when he was younger; his small boy face beginning to appear. "I went to England to get away from you, Rowan." He lowered his head closer to Rowan's. "And I did. But I'm sorry. I am so sorry for everything that happened."

"No, don't." Rowan coughed, sitting up a bit. There was a long pause of silence as a peaceful look appeared on Rowan. "Life was so beautiful when he was born. He had such tiny hands and feet. I want you to know this, I didn't do this tonight because I was upset…at first maybe, but it just got out of control. If Celeste knows that I did this on accident and that I regretted it, she may think that I regretted a lot of things…including her." His breath tightened. "But that's not true, promise me you won't tell her." He tried to catch Yorke's eyes as he gritted his teeth, his lip trembling.

"I can't do this. I can't tell these things to people. You're the only brother I know; if you were to leave my life would end. You said earlier that God would watch over us while we slept, but how can God watch you if you leave? How could God do this to you?" Yorke began to notice that Rowan's face was beginning to get pale and wet with precipitation.

"It will be for a reason…somehow. I know it. Don't be angry with Him, Yorke…I'm not. Please, make sure Life turns out okay." There was a pause as Yorke began to shake his head, the tears stopping. "Make sure Celeste stays the same." He whispered.

"You can't leave us all, you have so much more to do." Yorke said bitterly, his entire face forming with tears.

At that moment, Iris rushed onto the roof, her entire body beginning to stagger as she walked over to her brothers.

"Rowan," She kneeled down in front of him, placing her hand on his leg. "What's happening?" She glanced over at Yorke.

"Did you get help?" Yorke asked. "He's going to die."

"No, no, no, he can't. He can't die. Rowan, please, look at me don't do this. Don't leave me." Iris took his hand and shook it roughly, stroking his cheek and smoothing his hair.

"I'll be okay." He nodded and grasped eagerly for a new breath. His eyes were drawn away from the two and just looking strait ahead.

"No! Why did this happen?" She looked at Yorke as he gently reached across Rowan and took Iris' hand.

Rowan's eyes began to roll into the back of his head as he began to have convulsions, the drugs slowing his heart down.

"Stop it!" Iris yelled, laying gently over him to stop the spasms. She kissed his shoulder as Yorke rushed over to the steps to call for help.

The paramedics came ten minutes later and Rowan was gone. Molly arrived seconds later, her face coated with tears. He was carried away into a helicopter and Yorke and Iris were left to sit on the roof, trying desperately to understand what had happened.

My face was moist, the tears still somewhat attached at the tip of my chin as I gave up trying to wipe them away. Yorke's arms sat sternly on the table as he pulled away, leaning against the back of his chair.

"That's how it really happened. I'm so sorry I never told you." He tried to smile.

"You know, even after all this time I still miss him. I still miss his laugh and his quirks. I sometimes feel as though I have deprived David of all my love because some of it is still left with Rowan. Perhaps we both have regrets…I am so sorry I never really told you about Rowan and I…I regret never telling anyone." I kept my teeth together in order to get my words out. "There are a lot of things in life that I could wish were different. Those few years in Gainesville, are not one of them." I smiled and sat forward, moving my hand across the table I reached for his. "Thank you for coming here and telling me that."

"I'm sorry it took so long." He stood up and pulled me into a hug, his embrace feeling strong and supportive as if I had been waiting for this all of my life. "Rowan would be so proud of you." He whispered.

"No…he'd be proud of you. You're living his dream and his lifestyle. He owed you that much."  
"Don't say it like that." Yorke smiled, pulling me away. "I still am not sure what actually went on between the two of you and I'm not sure if it would be wise to tell me. You share something with him, even now, that no one knows about. Not the media, not my family, not yours…you hold a large part of my brother. A part of him that's special and different, don't expose it too soon, Celeste." He gently kissed my forehead.

After that I spent the next week with the Hawke family. Reminiscing and tell of new tales of our lives since the accident. Things that had been hard to talk about when they weren't there, things that I would want to remember so now that I knew Rowan didn't want to go and it wouldn't be so painful to think about him.

They left on a Thursday and on Friday I was making dinner. David and Abigail were coming over that night and I wanted things to be perfect. Life stopped me and coaxed me towards the couch. He had his arm rested protectively on my back and as he sat me down I noticed how mature and grown up he seemed for being just twelve. His hair was dark and he had those wispy waves that Rowan had. I pushed them away from his brow and as a reflex he pulled away from me.

"Mom." He spoke sternly. I grinned but then tried to look serious because I could tell that was what he was going for. "I'm only going to ask this once, okay?"

"Life, dinner needs to get—"  
"Mom, I'm serious…just let me say my peace, okay?"

I made myself comfortable and listened while he elaborated on his feelings and opinions of the idea of his father. I hadn't told him much about Rowan but left him only with the small memories he had of him.

"Will you just please, mother, please tell me something about him so that I'll stop having these dreams."  
"Dreams?" I questioned.

"I have…these dreams of meeting him and finding out that he never died and that you had lied to me all of this time…is that true, mom? Have you lied to me?"

The idea shocked me and I felt myself nearly sinking into the couch.

"Lifen," I tried to sound stern as a reaction to him calling me a liar but I couldn't.

"Mom, just tell me, please, that's all I'm asking for." He sat in front of me, his hands resting on my knees as I tried to catch my breath.

"Your father loved you very much." I ran a hand through his hair.

"Were you married?"  
I didn't answer for a while, but figured that maybe he would drop the topic.

"Please, mother. I'm not even sure who my grandmother is."

"My parents are your grandparents."

"But you don't talk to them…you hardly even talk about my real father…who were his parents?"

"It's hard, Life." I stood up and returned to the kitchen.

"It's hard for me too, mom! I don't even know him." He remained sitting but yelled across the room. "I just want to know the little things…I know the basics, he died from some terrible overdose, you loved him, you were rebelling from your parents and then I was born, but what about the other stuff?"

"Like what, Life?" I turned around to face him.

"What he enjoyed eating, what were his habits, did he love me, did you live together, did you ever decide to get married, does he have a family?"

I looked away and prepared to go upstairs.

"Don't leave until you've told me." He ran over to me and thrust his arms around me, a strong grip pinching my shoulders. "Just tell me." I could see the frustrated tears growing in his eyes.

"Alright, okay, love. I'll tell you." I put my arm around him and took him back over to the couch. Sitting down I allowed his head to rest between my chin and my shoulder like he had done when I used to read him books. "First of all," I cleared my throat so that I wouldn't cry. "He loved you more then anything, you were his one true pride. Let's see…your father was an actor, a very talented actor."

"Is that how you met him?" He tugged at the seam on the bottom of his shirt.

"No, I met him when he was playing with his band…his favorite thing to do. He had this beautiful voice that caught me right away."

"And his family?" He looked up at me a bit.

"His mother…is Oella." I felt him tense up as he began to move away from me.

"And you've kept that…to yourself? They've been here for the past week and you decide after they have left, that they are the only family I've ever known!" He grew angry.

"Life, it's very, very hard for them to talk about it. But they were there while I was giving birth to you and the last thing they wanted to do was lose contact with you, not because you were Rowan's son but because you were you." I kept my arm tightly around him until he finally returned to his position. "Besides, they didn't know."  
"What?" He asked.

"They had no idea…we kept it a secret. I'm sure eventually they figured it out, but for as long as we could, it was between us."  
"Oh." He said softly.

"Life?" I sat up and looked over at him. "Can I show you something?"

"Sure." He nodded and followed me into the spare room on the second floor. I pulled a large box from the closet and set it on the floor.

"I kept this." I opened it to reveal every bit of memory I had left of Rowan. Every tiny note he had left on my bedpost, random papers that I found him writing on. I had dozens of drafts for this book that were scattered aimlessly throughout. Pictures sat in random places and old movies that he had been in.

"You kept all of this?" Life asked one leg propped next to his chin while the other curled beneath him.

"I tried…Iris gave me a few things as well."

"He was a movie star?" I heard him whisper as he held up a box with Rowan on the cover. "And you never told me?" He threw it back into the pile and stood up, pacing the room. "You lied to me! By not telling me, you lied to me mom! I'm not sure what's worse? Having a father who does drugs or having a mother who lies to me! You could have dropped hints or something maybe done this a long time ago so that I could remember him a bit better, I don't know!" He began to cry, shaking with emotion. "All I wanted to do was remember him…and I can't help but think that maybe if you would have shared all of this with me I could." I stood up to reach for him but he pulled away, running to his room.

I left him alone for a few hours, making dinner and cleaning up after we had eaten. I approached his door around eight, the sun was setting and David and Abigail had just left. I knocked once, but heard no reply.

"Who is it?" I heard him mumble from behind the door.

"It's your mother." I said.

"Oh, is it?" I heard him unlock the door and walk back towards his bed.

"Life, I have something for you."

"I sure hope it isn't another surprise…my grandfather that I never met isn't a King is he?" He folded his arms.

"Sit down." I demanded. He sat without a word but kept his arms crossed. I pulled out a large stack of papers and set it next to him. "Despite what you may think I did not keep this from you for selfish reasons, I kept it from you because it's not a pleasant thing to have gone through once and I just felt that this year you were finally old enough to hear about it…do you really think you have been able to understand it when you were six or seven? It would have been confusing and upsetting…I know I am not the best mom, but I do try, okay? I really do." I stopped myself from crying. "That there is my entire life with your father…every single memory I could retrieve. I would like to read it to you, but I figure you probably wouldn't want that…so if you have any questions I'll be in my room." I headed towards the door, trying to wait until I was out to release my tears.

"Momma'?" I heard him say, his voice soft and loving. I turned around to see the stack of papers in his lap. "Can you read it to me?"

"Are you sure?" I asked, walking over to him.

"Yeah, I'm sure…I mean, what if there are things in there that are appropriate for me?" He grinned as I moved to the head of his bed.

"Then I guess I'll just have to oversee what is read, no?" I kissed his cheek as he sat next to me, sliding into position he let me put my arm around him as he snuggled close. "And so we begin,"

"Mom?" He interrupted.

"Yes?" I looked down at him.

"Would you mind if I watched a couple of my father's films?" He asked.

"Maybe, we'll see."

"And mom?" He asked again.

"Yes?" I smiled.

"I love you." He said simply and quickly as if he had said it a thousand times.

I had never wanted to hear those three words more then I did that day. If feels almost as if now that I have the entire story of Rowan and I out, life can finally go on. It wasn't as if the memory of him kept my life on hold, but rather that the memory of him kept me at arms length with any man I had met since Rowan. Closure might be too harsh because I would never want to end the memory of my son's father, especially now that he knew about it. Rowan is not one to be forgotten, nor is he one to mirror an image to. Though I do sometimes long for the late nights and the early mornings, but maybe someday when my life is almost over I can live them again, even if they are by myself.

If I could wish one thing upon my child it would be happiness. Happiness doesn't come easily but when it does, it's an amazing experience. Happiness comes with love and love is the most miraculous thing I've experienced. To love someone is to be set above everyone else and for once be frivolous and gleeful with pride on the new emotion that you were lucky enough to feel. I was lucky enough to feel that way towards someone and as a result I see myself as one of the luckiest people alive. That too is what I wish upon my child.


End file.
